[Hastings101]

My husband and I have an ongoing struggle regarding my family.

I'm from a large family, relatively close emotionally and geographically. My husband of 3 years is not. There are quite a few children in my immediate family so gatherings tend to be rather loud and chaotic and since my husband is a reserved introvert and he finds it difficult to handle the chaos. I'm an introvert too but since I grew up with it, I'm better able to adapt. So, family get-togethers are a chore and something he dreads for days or even weeks in advance. When we do go, we tend to keep mostly to ourselves.

On top of that, he's divorced with a young child. He's convinced that my family looks down on him because he's divorced. That's completely untrue. There are several divorced and remarried people in my extended family and never any problem at all but he can't let it go that he's "less than." He's sensitive about his son and how he's received. My stepson loves coming to family stuff and the other kids have accepted him right off and my siblings and parents have been warm and welcoming. At the same time, they're hesitant to do extra stuff like attend ballgames without an invitation because they don't really know if that would cause problems for my stepson's mother's family. I see that as a failure on my part to communicate what we want/need from them. My husband sees it as them not caring about his child.

Also, my father and brother-in-law are doctors (not psychiatrists or primary care). My husband ran into a problem recently involving an antidepressant and his doctor being out of touch. He wanted my father or BIL to write the refill. They couldn't do that since it's illegal and dangerous. To my husband, though, that meant, again, that they don't care.

He's never been close to his family. He and his parents (his father is now deceased) had a rather difficult relationship and he's an only child. Actually, he was adopted as a newborn. We recently found his biological family (his parents got married to each other and had two more children) and that's been a wonderful, positive experience. He and I are both hopeful that experiencing a positive, close relationship with his own family may make things easier with mine. I have my doubts.

I think a lot of this has to do with miscommunications.

I think he's right about some things but not about others. And he absolutely cannot understand why I won't yell at them or cut them off. I can't do that because, from what I can see, they haven't done anything wrong. They haven't attacked him or expressed any concerns about him. If they had, I'd stand up for him, absolutely. But I can't do that if they're just being supportive and non-invasive. When I do bring up something that's a problem, they're quick to apologize and either explain why it happened or say they'll work on that. It's not good enough for him.

I suspect he wants me to just cut them off completely so it can be the two of us (and now his bio family -- whom I like a lot). Nothing they can do or say would be good enough. Now I'm in a constant state of fear and stress that something else will come up. He's got it set in his mind that my family comes first to me and that I will always side with them. It's not true and I have not always sided with them. I've been as supportive as I can be. But when he makes accusations, like saying my father is a horrible doctor only after money or saying that I must have been molested by someone and then brainwashed since that's the only reason I'd be so attached to them, I cannot and will not agree or support that.

I'm nearing my wits' end on this.

[Travelinglady]

Oh, my. Cutting off a whole family seems extreme and even selfish. Would he be willing for the both of you to talk to a counselor? It could be some of his behavior might even be associated with his depression, methinks.

[Hastings101]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Oh, my. Cutting off a whole family seems extreme and even selfish. Would he be willing for the both of you to talk to a counselor? It could be some of his behavior might even be associated with his depression, methinks.

I think it is connected to that. Suspect there are feelings of abandonment and control issues as well. Maybe some jealousy? And it is extreme. I don't mind compromising on things and I'll agree when I think they're in the wrong. But it seems like the only thing that will convince him that I do put him first would me to have a big blowout with them. That's not my style. I'm just not an angry person and don't tend to get into arguments -- particularly since I can usually at least understand the other person's point of view.

Unfortunately, he doesn't like therapy. He's tried it before solo and it didn't work. He's convinced therapy doesn't work and psychologists just keep you hooked to make more money off of you.

A lot of this is, I think, related to a recent drop in his mood. Hopefully he'll have a tick back up soon.