Long-term change versus a temporary fix

What are some of the signs that someone is really changing? How can you tell the difference between a sincere, long-term change and a temporary fix that they put on just to keep you or get you back?

How long should I see a consistency in a changed behavior to be convinced? I have had an experience with someone reverting to old behavior after months of hiatus, so should I give it like a year?

A year would be a good length of time. But even then you should I think trust your judgment if you still sense reasons for doubt.

What would it take for you to think of moving on from this person?

Bill3, thank you. That is an important question you bring up. What it would take for me to consider resuming relationship with this person would be for her actions to match her words. The following is just an example of many inconsistencies that would need to cease:

Words: Before she asks me for help, she would sound very considerate by telling me how sorry she is for troubling me.

Action: She would keep returning to me frequently (and excessively) for help; especially at last minute (including early mornings), or expecting me to drop important events in my life for her. When I imply I don't think I could help her, the considerate demeanor turns into a demand where she pushes boundaries. One time, she even used a subtle threat.

Words: After I help her she would tell me repeatedly "I hope it was not too much trouble." I mean, it's overdone. For example: Unreimbursed carpool and rides: Telling me this at pick up; drop off; and then texting me after I leave to tell me this the third time.

I was left confused because she starts out super-considerate, then becomes micro-aggressive when I refuse, then goes back to being super-considerate afterwards to make up for it.

I don't think there's a specific time limit. I think you should make a judgement and draw your own conclusion.

So right now you have broken off with her completely?

Here are some possibilities for thinking about what she is doing.

You have already seen her as emotionally manipulative. In addition, you could look into emotional blackmail, which occurs when someone causes emotional pain if you don't do what they want.

Another possibility is to think of her as an abuser and read about the cycle of abuse. Abusers typically have periods of kindness before returning to abuse.

You could consider being more assertive. You might flatly say, for example, I can't help you. You would say this in a civil but firm manner, and repeat civilly and firmly as needed.

If she receives no positive reinforcement from you, she will look elsewhere. If, however, you reinforce her intermittently, you will likely find her intrusions to continue.

You're asking questions that are very subjective and relative to the situation at hand. there are really no hard fast rules to this.

First thing you should accept is that nothing ever is entirely permanent nor is behavior, of all things, ever static. Ask yourself this, if you have a certain way of behaving or set standards, do you ever slip up or ever change that behavior, whether temporarily or longer term? Do you expect that once someone decides to change, that they are never allowed to make a mistake in that area again?

To be honest you seem to want to find concrete answers to things that are not so cut and dry. We all strive to change certain things in our lives and we all likely experience equally successes and failures in those things. I know that there are certain behaviors that I've tried to change and have reverted to old but I keep striving but because I've slipped does that mean that I never was committed to change or does that just mean I'm human and fallible like every other person on this Earth?

For you, stand firm in your commitment to growth within yourself but allow others the grace to fail, as you'd hope they'd give you that if you do.

Thank you so much.

I am only posting this after years of exhausting all the graces in the world to her, repeatedly giving her the benefit of doubt ("Wow, this is alarming, but may be she didn't mean it that way," etc.). I actually did not come to this forum until this year, when I have finally reached my limit.

I am also working on growing in my assertiveness skills

Thank you. Great advice.

Being aware of when you need a better backbone is good! Don’t judge yourself, but do note when you do or don’t show the backbone you want. That helps!

Your NO needs to be NO , not implied. Your benefit of the doubt is makibg you wishy washy which makes her keep trying to get whatever she can out of you & manipulate when she gets an implied NO because it really isn't a NO.

DBT's section on Interpersonal Effectiveness might be of great benefit to you.

A starting place to look at the topic....you can do more internet searches for more infirmation
Interpersonal Effectiveness