[boabz4]

Hi everyone, first time poster here.

So, I've recently come to realization that I struggle with commitment phobia in my romantic relationships. I think this has to do with a couple of reasons. Firstly, my parents divorced when I was 4 years old when my dad left my mom for another women, aka my current step-mother. Secondly, my dad's marriage is an absolute train wreck. My step-mom is emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive to him, as well as to my sister and I when we were growing up. Thirdly, I went through an absolutely horrible depression when my last girlfriend left me out of the blue and completely broke it off with no chance of talking, or working through our issues. I spent a good year after the break up focusing on myself, and doing a ton of counselling in order to work through a ton of issues I had been dealing with

However, I've been single for 4 years now and I've dated around 15 women, with the longest lasting maybe 2 months, and the shortest lasting maybe 2 weeks. Whenever I talk to friends and family, I usually get the whole, "you just haven't met the one yet" speech, but I cant help but shake this feeling that I've let some pretty great women go, and it has more to do with my commitment phobia than anything else.

I really want to find someone to eventually end up with, but I get stuck in my pattern; I start seeing a woman who I have decent chemistry with, I get really excited about her, and then as soon as she starts showing an interest, I begin to fixate on something about her, whether it be personality based, physical, sexual, lifestyle, clinginess ...really anything, and then use it as a means to convince myself to break it off with her. Every relationship starts with me worried about the conversation I have to have with them at the end of it, and usually as soon as I end it, I always feel a great deal of relief. My friends joke with me and call me Jerry Seinfeld

I believe I've created this fantasy of "the perfect relationship", and anything that doesn't indicate that it's heading in that direction leads me to get out. Creating this ideal is completely unfair to the women I'm seeing. How does one live-up to such unrealistic standards? I mean, I'm definitely not perfect either.

I know this pattern is a culmination of reasons. Me not wanting to recreate my childhood, me not wanting to pick the WRONG person and ending up in a marriage like my dad, me not wanting to go through what I went through after me last break-up.

And most recently, I have had a suspicion that maybe my use of pornography created unrealistic expectations and sexual desensitization. Although my taste was what I consider to be pretty "white bread" and my use of it pretty minimal, I thought, what the heck...It can't be helping things...it's been months since I've looked at it.

But I thought I would just ask the community if they have any advice for me. Ive been dating a woman now for a couple weeks, and she seems cool and we really hit it off, but within the last couple of days I've started to convince myself she's clingy, and I neeeeeeed to get out now.

Please help!

[Skeezyks]

Hello boabz: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to PsychCentral.

I'm sorry I don't believe there is any advice I can offer. Hopefully there will be other members, here on PC, who will have some thoughts they can share. In the meantime here are links to 7 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of commitment phobia:

What is Commitment Phobia & Relationship Anxiety?

How Do You Know that You're with the Right Person?

How To Overcome Your Fear Of Commitment

How to Overcome Relationship Fears BEFORE They Take Control

Overcome the Most Common Fears That Prevent Lasting Relationships

https://psychcentral.com/blog/beat-c...e-to-yourself/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...s-and-reality/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.