I always put myself last...

I was raised to put others before myself. Think of their feelings and wants and to ignore my own. Obviously this led to a host of issues for me on a personal level. I have learned to care for myself now. But I still feel this obligation or responsibility to and for others.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, but he has a host of health problems. He does not work currently as a result of them. He refuses to go see a doctor (although that was what he told me he was doing) and after he stopped smoking because he knew it bothered me (and exacerbated his condition), I found out he’s been sneaking for the last few weeks.

He told me it’s his body. He can do what he wants. And that’s so true. I have no right. But because it makes his condition worse, because he won’t get medical help, i haven’t been going on hikes or riding my horses or any other physical activity. Even when I go on walks at night, he gets upset because I go without him. It’s been 6 months since the condition got this bad and I have basically become a recluse, doctoring him and caring for him.

However seeing that he’s started smoking again and knowing how much worse this makes it, I think I’m done. Not necessarily with our relationship but with my need to put him first. If he won’t put himself first, then I shouldn’t. I think I need to start going out. Hiking. Riding my horses. Living my life. We are in a relatively open relationship anyhow so what comes is what comes. But I can’t care more for him that he does. Meanwhile he’s told me I’m a nag and im crazy to the point I’ve started having to take my antidepressants again which I’d actually been able to decrease the dose on before this all happened.

His health is really impacting our relationship but I think I’m giving it that power. I can’t want him to be healthy more than he does.