[roxannejones]

I am so upset, so a few weeks ago I got a text from my small group leader asking me to only greet her one time before service on Sunday, and that just one hi/bye before service was best and appropriate. Which I did, or so I thought except I said bye to her after service too and asked if there was small group. Then she sends me this text today saying "a few weeks ago I had expressed that it was ok to greet me when I arrived at church on Sunday morning. That is it. There did not need to be additional contact after that." What does she mean by additional contact here? Saying bye after service? Asking to sit by her? Asking if there was small group this week? If so, she did not tell me any of this in the previous text. So she is saying I did not respect her request and now because of this she is going to draw additional boundaries. She will not answer questions about her personal choice in bible study (which I had asked her about) and that my focus does not need to be on her, and that she cannot give me time or assist with my questions. And that also there would not be a regular small group meeting until January. What I want to know is which of those were her additional boundaries she was drawing and was not having group until January one of her boundaries she was drawing?

[Open Eyes]

Does this woman know you struggle with OCD? You most likely need to double check more and she is trying to tell you she is setting limits and you have a difficult time doing that. Did you ever see the movie "As Good as it Gets"? Of course, there is a spectrum with OCD and some individuals do struggle more than others the man in the movie played by Jack Nicholson struggles fairly high on the spectrum. My favorite part of that movie is the dog parts, it's one of the cutest dogs I have ever seen.

It sounds like in your group leader feeling uncomfortable about something that happened, she is not communicating clearly with you, and in turn it is making you uncomfortable and it makes sense that you would feel badly. This is understandable and you have my sympathy. I don't have an answer about what she's talking about. I'd advise you to ask her, but it sounds like she's setting strange boundaries. Either that or I'm just confused by what you've written. Idk. Have there been any issues with you and her before this? Can you go to your church's pastor or someone who is in charge of her to ask what's going on?

I also see that this is your first post. Welcome to PC, roxannejones.

[downandlonely]

It does sound like she is annoyed, but I would hesitate to try and figure out what she's thinking. We can't read other people's minds.

[Molinit]

This person is being crystal clear. You are allowed to say hello 1 time. No more communication. No sitting by her. No texts. To me, her boundaries indicate she feels stalked by you and you are in danger of having a legal remedy occur or being barred from the church.

Are you on the autism spectrum?

[Blogwriter]

Hi Roxannejones,

Welcome to PsychCentral. The woman gave you clear boundaries. I would not initiate any contact with her except for saying "Hi" to her. If you feel like there is no one else to talk to about small groups at church, talk to the pastor privately. Another thing to do is to observe her behavior around other people. It may just be that she has a hard time relating to people. If so, she has a big problem. Reach out to other people at church so you take your focus off her.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Molinit

This person is being crystal clear. You are allowed to say hello 1 time. No more communication. No sitting by her. No texts. To me, her boundaries indicate she feels stalked by you and you are in danger of having a legal remedy occur or being barred from the church.

Are you on the autism spectrum?

Maybe the church group leader is on the autism spectrum.

Seems to me it is time to bring in the pastor.

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

Maybe the church group leader is on the autism spectrum.

Seems to me it is time to bring in the pastor.

The person who seems to be unaware of boundaries is the OP, not the group leader. The leader is very clear and it seems from the boundaries drawn that the OP has been making the leader uncomfortable and using the small group as an opportunity to be close to and be in contact with the leader.

I agree the pastor should be brought in, but unfortunately for OP it may end up that OP might not be allowed to attend the group any more if she doesn't respect the leader's boundaries.

[healingme4me]

I'm trying to understand something. Is the Church group a separate entity from your small group?

[divine1966]

What prompted such strict boundaries? Did you bother her before? If she asks you not to talk, why do you? Can you try to stop? Are you in therapy?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you're struggling, roxannejones Is there any reason you know of why shey may be setting up these boundaries? Either way, if she does not want contact with you, I'm sorry to say it, but all you can really do is respect her wishes. I hope that doesn't bother you too much, was she a friend of yours? I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Originally Posted by divine1966

What prompted such strict boundaries? Did you bother her before? If she asks you not to talk, why do you? Can you try to stop? Are you in therapy?

I agree with divine1966. I don't feel that I have complete information about the history to understand her reasoning...and there may not even be one personally against you. If it seems completely out of the blue, it is possible that:

a). Your group leader was harassed by someone else and decided to set new boundaries for everyone.

b). Another group leader was harassed in the church and the church has set a new policy for boundaries.

I mean, these are only speculations...sometimes you think someone is mad at you but it has nothing to do with you and has more to do with what's going on in her personal life.

If you feel that her behavior was something personal against you (like she's very friendly with everyone else), then try to think back at the times she was giving you gentle clues about boundaries. This may be the first time that she explicitly set boundaries with you.

But whatever the reason may be, it is not worth your time and energy trying to be close with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you. Just pursue friendships that are mutual, where people appreciate and honor your good traits.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Molinit

The person who seems to be unaware of boundaries is the OP, not the group leader. The leader is very clear and it seems from the boundaries drawn that the OP has been making the leader uncomfortable and using the small group as an opportunity to be close to and be in contact with the leader.

I agree the pastor should be brought in, but unfortunately for OP it may end up that OP might not be allowed to attend the group any more if she doesn't respect the leader's boundaries.

I respectfully disagree, and specifically because it is a religious group. But that's ok, all of our comments should be in support of the person who made the original post.

The pastor should be made aware that such ridiculous strictures are being put in place.

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I respectfully disagree, and specifically because it is a religious group. But that's ok, all of our comments should be in support of the person who made the original post.

The pastor should be made aware that such ridiculous strictures are being put in place.

I agree with IceCreamKid that our comment should be in support of the person who made the original post. We should always give people the benefit of doubt. It's okay to ask questions, but we should not jump to conclusions because we don't know the whole story or even know the person who is posting on here.