Was I Insecure Here?

Something's been on my mind for quite a while, and I want to know: Is it okay for someone who you're seeing to be messaging another friend of yours as much as he does to you or more even though there's nothing sexual?

P.S.:: I didn't stop talking to him because of her, it's because of a whole other reason not related to my friend! Just FYI~

In short, a close friend of mine and a guy I liked would always message each other whenever we weren't talking (in a friendly manner, I saw convos they had w/ each other and I know my friend. She knows her boundaries yet, I've realized, she doesn't recognize what's wrong at questionable times). I used to bring it up with her several times but she'd give me this blank expression like she was confused. Another friend of mine called me "insecure" because I said I was uncomfortable with what was going on, it was strange to me. I hate to admit, but I also did make my friend cry because after a few months, I got fed up and indirectly lashed at her (ex. stopped talking to her).

I remember not being loud enough when telling her I didn't like this situation. Ugh, I wish I had more confidence then. I just didn't know, I've never been in a real relationship and that was my first, so was I supposed to let it slide?

I think for a first relationship that it was a learning curve in what brings out discomfort for you. No, going forward, you don't need to let things slide that bother you. It doesn't have to be sexual chatter to be at a level of a deeper connection than the one you were hoping to build.

I agree with you there, I learned that if something truly made me uncomfortable, I shouldn't let it slide in the fear of seeming "disturbed". I dislike the fact that I was deemed "uncomfortable" because I care that he was talking to her so much, but oh well, I have to keep a sharper eye next time ^^

Maybe your feeling uncomfortable was a signal for you to remove yourself from the situation. You cant change what other people do, but you can change what you do. You dont need to practice being on some guys string, always fighting another woman for him. Find a guy who puts you first.

It depends. Has he known her longer than you? Were they friends before you started dating? If so, then I don't see the problem. If they met when you two also met, it seems a little strange to me.

Reading the responses to my post is helping me think about my actions in the past, and I'm coming to terms that I may have acted impulsively and I could have handled it a better way. I introduced her to him when he and I were first friends, and as the relationship progressed, they still were.

I believe one factor that made me uneasy was how easily accessible he was on social media. Like just because he's reachable doesn't mean you get to blow up your friend's boyfriend's inbox nearly everyday, even if it's on friendly terms?

Hmm.... I don't know. If there's nothing sexual going on and it's purely friendly chit chat, I think perhaps you are being a bit insecure about it? But if it crosses a boundary of your comfort level, then it's something to seriously look at and consider?

I probably was, and this made me open my eyes about all this. This is something I'll consider in the future if the situation ever calls for it. Then I can step back and think more clearly without making the same mistake. Thank you for sharing your input ^^

I am not sure why you asked her to stop talking to him if he is the one you are dating? He was the one you had to talk to about excessive communications with other girl.

But if you two weren’t really dating, you just “liked” him then he and the girl are free to talk to whoever.

Overall it’s really depends on the context and specifics, I just don’t know enough to make a judgment what’s right what’s wrong as you didn’t explain enough. My husband talks to all kind of people and I can’t care less. Not like he is talking while on a date with me or being inappropriate or flirty. I am not threatened by him simply talking to people. So I am not sure about your situation

(To answer your question, I introduced her to him when we were first friends. Not sure if I clarified that in my post, if I hadn't, sorry! I was just pouring out the junk I was feeling that day and probably didn't mention it.)

My friend did confide in me that, in the past, she was close to disrupting a previous friend's relationship because she was harboring feelings for her boyfriend (she withdrew herself as soon as she found out she was liking him), and of course, because of this, I felt paranoid (I didn't hate her for it because we're human, we're bound to make mistakes and such, but I was fearing a "What if it's happening again?" scenario). I regret lashing out at her, but it was that thought that was in the back of my mind.

He did keep me his #1 priority, though. In no way did he neglect me because of her or any other negative impact.

I mentioned it in another reply, but one factor that made me uneasy was how easily he was reachable. The other girls knew who he was and my affiliation with him, but they didn't care for talking to him. My friend and him would talk nearly everyday the whole time we were together. I think this is what troubled me the most.

Regardless if this was right or wrong for them to talk daily, I still think you had to take it up with him, not her. If he is talking too much to other girl then it’s something to address with him. Just because other girls contact him or he is assessible, doesn’t mean he needs to respond every time. If he felt it’s too much, he should have stopped. He is an adult.

In the future if you see your partner is doing something with the other woman that makes you uncomfortable, you bring it up with him, not other women. Frankly daily contact with someone your girlfriend introduced you to is excessive. Even though I said my husband talks to many different people, I can’t imagine him contacting my girlfriend daily (and vice versa) , especially if he didn’t even know her prior to meeting me. It’s bizarre.

I don't think that kind of interaction is normal either, even if there are some people who can tolerate that, and then I remembered that I'm me, and just because my friend, who told me I had nothing to worry about, thought it was alright doesn't mean I should have to accept that. Also, I was thinking about this last night, and I found it ironic because despite learning over the years not to go after the girl, my instinct was to go after my friend. If this kind of thing happens a second time, I told myself I'd stop and think and talk to it about to my guy (hopefully it doesn't happen again, though). Thank you for sharing your input, it gave me a clear idea on what I need to prepare for in the future ^^

I really like this, thank you!
makes me feel good to hear you affirming who you are, and seeing how to talk to your man about how you feel!

No you shouldn't 'have to' accept it if it displeases you...and that is totally up to you. However, I feel I need to play 'Devils Advocate' here. Dating another person shouldn't mean that they are to socialise exclusively with you, not have friends of the opposite sex..trying to enforce this as a relationship condition is a sure fire way of alienating your boyfriend imo. Be confident in knowing that he is with 'YOU'...I'm not saying he won't ever meet someone that he prefers along the way, but that is part of dating...trying others on for size. Sure I know it sounds harsh, but that is life.

Just be happy dating, and focus/capitalise on making the most of what you have in common, and what you like about each other NOW...not what may or may not happen in the future.

I would have been like , I thought we had something exclusive going on. You have to define that stuff up front. I would be devastated if I found out someone I was into wasn’t serious about me.

Yes, I would feel devasted too. Thanks for reminding us about the depth of feelings that happen in new/ first relationships!!!
Relationships are about having my feelings respected by me and by others, even if a proportion of that feeling comes from previous hurts and insecurity. Not controlling others, but HAVING THE DEPTH OF MY FEELINGS RESPECTED.

When reading my above statement in caps, something inside me jams up... because my childhood conditioning was extreme disrespect. I can write that and yet still not feel it deep inside and down to my boots!

It's easy for outsiders to disrespect the depth of feeling in first relationships... until you are the one experiencing that depth of feeling...

First relationships? I say relationship in general. Have you seen the movie suspiria or heard of the artist tom Yorke?

Do you think depth of feelings in a first relationship is different than depth in relationship later in life etc? You keep mentioning depth of feelings in first relationship. Is it oppose to second or third relationship? I very much beg to differ. In fact older we get deeper we are able to feel due to life experiences

I was reflecting on what MaroonAbalone said about her friend acting surprised when MA explained to her how she felt about the intrusion. A friend might act surprised if she hasn't been in a serious relationship yet herself. That's all.

To be honest, something needs to be clarified here, in the end you say this was a "first relationship" but nothing in what you'd said so far indicates there was anything serious going on meaning reason for this guy to feel he was exclusive with you. Unless that part has been left out. If there was some agreement and you were going out with him not just friends, then yes there can be a problem with the other person giving as much attention to others of the opposite sex. Otherwise I see no reason for him to think there was anything wrong with it.

We can talk about whether you were just insecure or not til the cows come home but first, I think you already know this. Second is that you had your reasons for that insecurity. Especially if you were quite fond of this person and assuming you didn't voice this to him and it wasn't known to him, that would feed your insecurity too. there are a lot of things going on here that were fundamental reasons for being insecure and I don't think you should beat yourself up about it at all.

The problem with the girl friend that looked at you as if confused was it seems to me she wasn't really trying to understand your view or empathize at all. she didn't try to respect or see your perspective but just wrote off your feelings as if they were invalid. I am sure that did nothing to help with your insecurities in the first place.