[embracinglife]

Hi, I'm wondering why there isn't a space for talking about codependence on these threads...or maybe there is I just haven't found' it yet. I've benefitted a lot from going to codependent's Anonymous for the past few years. Just wondering if there is a space to talk about those issues in these forums, or not.

Thanks.

[sarahsweets]

I dont know why that is. I know there are a lot of sections and subsections so maybe they do not want to add more. There is a relationships section I think.

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree with you, embracinglife! However, like sarahsweets has already wisely said, I think the "Relationships & Communication" forum should be what you're looking for. I believe you can talk about codependecy there if you want. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

[luvyrself]

This is a huge issue for me, eg dealing w co dependence. This is an unfortunate term,because it sounds like the co dependent is the dependent one, when in fact this is about neglecting oneself to be constantly helping others. This is a common problem for women anyway, since our traditional roles were nurturing. My husband, by ignoring everything, tends to push off all his considerable health issues onto me, and,rather than have him ha a stroke or heart attack, I tend to fall for it. However,he makes no attempt to understand my bipolar. Though I tremendously admire AA for alcoholics, I think a looser structure, not 12 step would be better for co dependence.
I think most big cities have co dependents anonymous meetings.

[WishfulThinker66]

luvyrself - I have a different understanding of co-dependence. When I hear the word two things come to mind. One is the nature of an abusive relationship where the abuser makes the victim dependent upon them. The second that comes to mind is the relationship between a substance abuser and their spouse or partner. I think then of the partner covering up for the addict, alcohol or otherwise, and so on. They have thus become a co-dependent to their partner's problems. Alanon is a 12 step program and support network for such folks too.

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

luvyrself - I have a different understanding of co-dependence. When I hear the word two things come to mind. One is the nature of an abusive relationship where the abuser makes the victim dependent upon them. The second that comes to mind is the relationship between a substance abuser and their spouse or partner. I think then of the partner covering up for the addict, alcohol or otherwise, and so on. They have thus become a co-dependent to their partner's problems. Alanon is a 12 step program and support network for such folks too.

---Yes, what you are describing is the original meaning. However, like the study of combat and rape ptsd lead to a realization that there are many types of trauma (c-ptsd)and hence types of codependency that dont involve substance abuse. My husband doesnt acknowledge or deal with his huge medical issues so I handle them, saving his life, limbs whatever partly to avoid having to be caregiver to a stroke or heart attack victim. Because of that I neglect my own needs and goals. The result is similar in that it is dysfunctional. Both of us end up very angry at times. My dad was an alcoholic, so I understand the whole dynamic of that. I didnt like Al Anon. Some people arent comfortable with that kind of structure tho substance abusers do really well with it. Youre right tho that 12 step would be great for the co dependency of substance abusers.

[TishaBuv]

I’d think categories “Relationships and Communication “ and “Survivors of Abuse” are good areas to post about codependency. Thanks for bringing this up. I think I’ll go look into a local Codependents Anonymous group, but I’m concerned I’ll come out of it with another relationship that’ll become codependent with someone else, yet again, yikes! (Kind of just kidding...)

I think my marriage is toxic codependent, and there is not drug abuse or addiction involved here. It’s all emotional, unhealthy stuff.

Originally Posted by embracinglife

Hi, I'm wondering why there isn't a space for talking about codependence on these threads...or maybe there is I just haven't found' it yet. I've benefitted a lot from going to codependent's Anonymous for the past few years. Just wondering if there is a space to talk about those issues in these forums, or not.

Thanks.

Hmmm...there should be a space for talking about this, as it is so common these days. I think I may have this issue also. I've heard a co-dependent often ends up with a narcissist in a dynamic where:

The co-dependent gives and gives;
And the narcissist takes and takes.

Thanks for the info about codependents anonymous. I didn't know such group existed. I need to check that out.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

but I’m concerned I’ll come out of it with another relationship that’ll become codependent with someone else, yet again, yikes! (Kind of just kidding...)

LOL.

This is a good reminder to be aware of my tendencies and be cautious. Thank you TishaBuv

[sarahsweets]

12 Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous

Originally Posted by luvyrself

---Yes, what you are describing is the original meaning. However, like the study of combat and rape ptsd lead to a realization that there are many types of trauma (c-ptsd)and hence types of codependency that dont involve substance abuse. My husband doesnt acknowledge or deal with his huge medical issues so I handle them, saving his life, limbs whatever partly to avoid having to be caregiver to a stroke or heart attack victim. Because of that I neglect my own needs and goals. The result is similar in that it is dysfunctional. Both of us end up very angry at times. My dad was an alcoholic, so I understand the whole dynamic of that. I didnt like Al Anon. Some people arent comfortable with that kind of structure tho substance abusers do really well with it. Youre right tho that 12 step would be great for the co dependency of substance abusers.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

12 Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous

Thanks for posting! By a cursory inventory, I am naturally progressed through Steps 1-5 and infinitely stuck at Step 6. Now what?

I’m not a substance addict. The thing that is causing me so much pain in the relationship is the inability to get my needs met by him, the frustration of being gaslighted about it. It’s not that there is a flaw to be removed in me regarding my emotional and sexual needs.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Thanks for posting! By a cursory inventory, I am naturally progressed through Steps 1-5 and infinitely stuck at Step 6. Now what?

I’m not a substance addict. The thing that is causing me so much pain in the relationship is the inability to get my needs met by him, the frustration of being gaslighted about it. It’s not that there is a flaw to be removed in me regarding my emotional and sexual needs.

^I’m a lack of substance addict!

...someone who has lost the connection to his or her core self, so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity, such as sex or gambling.... Problems of Codependents

There is no doubt I have this, and sadly, until my attempt and therapy, I was completely clueless how dominant (not) this tendency is in me. My mother meant well but was more authoritarian than I liked and I rebelled in a passive agressive way to her then left home, rarely returning after HS. I idealized my father but we mostly connected through activities (he read to me as a child, played sports with me etc.). I realize now that he is also has codependent characteristics but didn't when I was younger so I tried to grow up to "be" like him not realizing his flaws.

I have been making baby steps for a while towards getting to know myself/setting boundaries. I wish I had realized when our children were younger--I am sure that my codependence made me an unhealthy mother in many ways. I know cluelessness is not an excuse but it is the only one I've got!

[luvyrself]

Guess I’m not cool enough to understand what u mean. Don’t want to lapse into one of the cranky exchanges they are locking threads for now, but how many people do you think understand what you just posted, Sarah?

[Loveandkindness]

Codependence is something I have struggled with in the past and it certainly seems like something that would fall under Relationships

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by luvyrself

Guess I’m not cool enough to understand what u mean. Don’t want to lapse into one of the cranky exchanges they are locking threads for now, but how many people do you think understand what you just posted, Sarah?

I don't understand... I mean i didnt read it thoroughly because I do AA and the 12 steps are pretty standard. But I think you are plenty cool enough to me! But to be serious- maybe not as many as I thought or hoped.

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I don't understand... I mean i didnt read it thoroughly because I do AA and the 12 steps are pretty standard. But I think you are plenty cool enough to me! But to be serious- maybe not as many as I thought or hoped.

—I finally figured out what No f’s given means and yes, I was an elementary school teacher w at risk kids and we avoided rigidity except for demanding the best of them. I try to be an outside the box thinker. One size does not fit all. People have multiple intelligences and different learning styles.

[luvyrself]

Today I was questioning myself about when is helping going too far- pretty complicated. And today I felt the good side of helping. I write to someone who has ptsd and by sharing, he discovered, and his aunt concurs that he may be bipolar. Since he tried serious self harm 3 times last year, asking his doctor about this could save his life. This is what these communities are about, not ridiculing and bickering , which the moderators are trying to teach us.

[luvyrself]

Guess I’m not cool enough to understand what u mean.
—-I meant I just didn’t have a clue what “no fs given “meant. How incredibly stupid, me being a former teacher. Of course I know what the 12 steps are, my dad having been an alcoholic.

[luvyrself]

Today I was questioning myself about when is helping going too far- pretty complicated. And today I felt the good side of helping. I write to someone who has ptsd and by sharing, he discovered, and his aunt concurs that he may be bipolar. Since he tried serious self harm 3 times last year, asking his doctor about this could save his life. This is what these communities are about as long as we don’t lose ourselves in the process.