He's Mad When I'm Depressed

I'm currently in an LDR with my 3 years partner. He always says he loves me and always trying to reassure me about his feelings, but keeps on getting annoyed by what I really feel.

I'm scared to open up to others, but I have to, so I tell him honestly how I really think no matter how scary that is. I told him about my childhood, my problems, everything. He once said I'm just giving up about all things by thinking like that, and he said it by phone with such a disappointed tone. I feel like I don't deserve to live because I keep making those close to me feel negative. But I just can't help it. I want to progress but I just can't, i need more time, it's so hard.

He had never been to a psychologist. And never had a really hard time in life. A very positive and happy person, I don't want to drag him down. I love him so much and he opened the world for me. But it hurts. He doesn't understand me just hurts too much.

Sometimes when I'm having a moment, he would be angry at me. When i cry he softens and try to reassure how much he loves me, he says he chooses to be with me and to love the whole me. It's a cycle. He softens once I cry, but I just don't want to always be like that. I feel like sometimes I have to give in to what he says even if i'm feeling so broken. He got mad when I said I wanted to die. It's exhausting.

Don't really know whether i should live or die, the two seems a bit the same to me. I also think I'm always at fault to whatever that I feel. I don't know what to do anymore