Definition of a Toxic Person

1. Toxic people are manipulative. Their modus operandi is to get people to do what they want them to do. It’s all about them. They use other people to accomplish whatever their goal happens to be. Forget what you want; this is not about equality in a relationship—far from it.

2. They are judgmental. Keep your eyes and ears open for criticism—about you, what you've done, and what you didn’t do. It’s never about them, and they will lie if it serves them.

3. They take no responsibility for their own feelings. Rather, their feelings are projected onto you. If you try to point this out to them, they will likely vehemently defend their perspective, and take no responsibility for almost anything they do.

4. They don't apologize. They don’t see any reason to, because things are always someone else’s fault. In many instances, although they try to orchestrate relationships to serve their own ends, they try to gain sympathy and attention by claiming “victim” status.

5. They are inconsistent. It’s hard to know who you’re with at any given time because they are often not the same person. They may change their perspective, attitude, and behavior depending on what they feel they need to accomplish or what they want to have happen. (And they know how to be kind when they want something from you.

6. They make you prove yourself to them. Toxic people make you choose them over someone else, or something they want over something you want. Often, this turns into a “divide and conquer” dynamic in which the only choice is them, even to the point of requiring you to cut off other meaningful relationships to satisfy them.

7. They make you defend yourself. They have difficulty staying on point about certain issues, probably because they’re not interested in your point of view or trying to reach an amicable conclusion. Remember, they are supreme manipulators: Their tactics may include being vague and arbitrary, as well as diverting the focus of the discussion to how you’re discussing an issue—your tone, your words, etc. They focus on problems, not solutions.

8. They are not caring, supportive, or interested in what’s important to you. In fact, the good things that happen to you move the attention away from them and thwart them from focusing on their own goals. Beware of people who find fault with you and make you wrong. Loyalty is foreign to them.

9. Toxic people are draining; encounters leave you emotionally wiped out. Time with them is about taking care of their business, which will leave you feeling frustrated and unfulfilled, if not angry.

I’ve met some toxic people who liked to blame others for everything under the sun. They’d literally say that everyone else is out to get them and they are victims of other people’s toxicity. While in reality they are the toxic ones!!!

EXACTLY.

I wouldn't fully blame them for thinking that. Could be a symptom of paranoia or a result of past trauma and anxiety.

I believe that Divine meant people who blame everyone else for everything that happens to them, claim themselves the victim, when they in fact are at fault and are the toxic person.

Understood. Thanks for clarifying.

I've got little experience with such people so that's the only way I interpret it.

A toxic person is more than a negative person.

When you try to encourage a merely-negative person, she says, "Leave me alone, keep your positive talks to yourself."

When you try to encourage a toxic person, she tries to drag you down with her.

Sure some people might think others are out to get them because they suffer from paranoia. But I was not referring to that. I was talking about people I know (that’s why I said “I’ve met”) and they don’t suffer from it.

Thank you so much for making this thread, golden_eve! I'm sure it will helpful to other people here on PC. We need to recognize toxic people so that we can get away from them as soon as we can. We don't need them in our lives. We need to surround ourselves of people that will love us and support us. Stay safe and take care of yourselves. Sending many hugs to everyone

I would also add that toxic people are manipulative and often disguise themselves as family members.

Yes, often toxic people are our own family members, making it much harder to distance oneself or remove oneself entirely.

Wow, wow, wow Eve, thanks so much for posting this. I recently cut off a friendship because she texted really nasty things about my problems not being as important as hers, and that I didn’t understand what it was like to be stuck in a difficult living situation, just because I am moving soon. I have been stuck in an awful living situation for years and she knows that. This is someone who would call me and want me to listen to her (often petty) problems for an hour or more.

I was starting to feel just a bit badly, like maybe I had gone too far, but this article really hit home with me. Let’s see:
Her comments clearly showed 2 points right away:
- They are not caring, supportive, or interested in what’s important to you
- They are judgmental

Then, when I told her I couldn’t deal with her, she went on to:
- They don't apologize – First she doubled down and said she stood by what she wrote, only admitting she may have not said it in the best way. Then she tried to blame a fever. Then, she gave a few non-apologies apologizing for the timing and the wording, but not for the message itself.

After that, she went on to:
- They take no responsibility for their own feelings – she texted that me not responding to her calls/texts/emails was making HER feel badly, when she didn’t seem to care that she had hurt my feelings.

This is also so true with her:
- They try to gain sympathy and attention by claiming “victim” status - She always portrays herself as a victim, of her family, of her ex. I realize this now. I am now kind of wondering what the other side of those stories is. She always seems to be on the outs with someone to be honest, which relates to:they are inconsistent (for her, especially in her opinions of people). Someone is great, then she hates them. I realized that a lot of her problems, her supposed victimhood, seems like it is self-inflicted, poor decisions on her part and no backbone to set boundaries with her family.

All of this brings me to the last point:
- Toxic people are draining – Not having to deal with her hour long phone calls with her litany of problems is freeing. I didn’t realize how much she was draining me until I didn’t have to deal with her for the past month.

Rechu,

I am glad this helped to clarify your situation with this person!

She is most certainly toxic for you!!!

She sounds horrid..... NOT someone who is a good friend -- the opposite. DRAINING for sure. And maddening!! All of what you describe would personally enrage me --- which is what toxic people end up doing.

This is why I wanted to post this thread -- to help people identify toxic people when they come across them.

GOOD for you for cutting ties with her and for taking care of your own needs and yourself. It is not selfish to do so, and never feel badly for cutting out a toxic person from your life. It's necessary and vital for our own peace of mind and happiness.

Cheers to you. (((Hugs)))

Most of us here are coping with toxic negativity. I wonder, and this isn’t about anyone here, if a truly toxic person can ever reflect upon themselves to acknowledge they are a toxic person.

Thanks, Eve. I definitely feel that I did the right thing. I won't be guilted into maintaining a friendship that was only leaving me feeling used and frustrated.

Trisha, I guess some people might be able to do that, but they are probably the minority. The way toxic people seem to think everyone else is the problem, makes it hard for any introspection, I think.

My therapist said that it’s perfectly fine to completely eliminate toxic person from your life. No need to feel guilty. But if elimination and estrangement isn’t possible at all (work situation or a family member you have to continue seeing) then limit your contact with them. Make it shorter or less frequent and don’t engage.

Yes. Life’s far too short to deal with ppl who only exhaust you and bring misery rather than lift you up and bring positive things. (((Hugs)))

When they start talking, you need to go to the bathroom or get more ketchup for your hot dog...whatever you need to do to not linger in their presence.

To me it’s someone who brings you down rather than build you up.