how to deal with my mom crumbling over me not wanting to procreate?

So I thought I had good relationship with my mom, until she started to badgering about grandchildren. She would bring BABIEZ into random conversations about groceries, world politics (the situation is really bad, WWIII may happen hence you need BABIEZ to create your safe nest... her line of thinking...).


I went to visit her over my spring break (I work in education). I had other plans, but well, wanted to cheer her up. Saturday we were driving and she slipped on ice and broke ONE FRONT LIGHT. Not even broken, just came off. No serious damage, nobody hurt. But she came undone. Started wailing that it's life punishing us because we don't have a man (does she expect that having a man will influence the weather and roads?).

I don't want kids for various reasons. Too active politically. Not really heterosexual. My family having bad genes mentally. Not sure if I won't have to leave the country at one point... I don't really want to drag others into this.


I work, I have good life. But from time to time mom tries to convince me I need to have MAN AND BABIEZ, because my life is not complete otherwise. Sometimes she has these breakdowns where she seems to think family is cushion from any harm... It's situations like droughts, floods, computer or oven breaking down... when a slightly bad situation comes along, she cries it's life "spinning her and spitting her" and blames it on me not having man and children.


I am seriously tired and considering cutting off ties. Eventhough she is alright most of the time.

Venuss!! How nice to see you again!

My line has fizzled out too. Some mothers become prolific grandmothers, and some mothers do not. My mother did not (one grandson, my brother's child). Her sister and her sister-in-law have created virtual dynasties.

So many women are tricked into motherhood simply by lack of education or knowledge. Once you ring the bell of knowledge, it cant be unrung.

Tell her its her fault she didnt pass on the desire for motherhood. Mine certainly did not. She actively suppressed any desires i had, starting in my childhood - discouraging playing with dolls, for example.

I am getting old (67) and i still treasure my personal freedom above all.

Well, for me it was "you are too young to boys" changing overnight to "WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A BOY?"


Seriously it was a shame to have a boyfriend "so young" until it was a shame not having one....

It did not help my father died when I was 10 and there was a string of relationships that failed for one reason or another (not wanting to vacation in Netherlands, voting for different party, being a jealous prick, being a former agent of the communist party during the cold war times...). I do not blame my mom breaking up with the jealous prick or the commie.... but... if vacationing in Netherlands versus in Austria was such big thing at one point... she should understand my pickiness and unwillingness to give up things for me, right?

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, venusss You have every right to live your own life. You don't have to have kids if you don't want to. Your mother has to understand this. I'm so sorry. It must be very hard for you. Perhaps cutting off contacts with her is a bit extreme if there aren't any other problems. If you feel like she's getting too overwhelming for you, I'd suggest to definitely cut off contact with her. You need to send a clear message to her. That's just my opinion, though. The final decision is up to you. Take all the time you need before making any decision. I feel like it's very important. Parents' expectations are not easy to deal with. But we need to move and to live our own lives. You're an adult and you can make your own decisions. I hope your mother will understand that. I hope things will get better soon for you and for her. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

I think you’re very responsible for making a careful decision about whether or not to have children. There are plenty of valuable ways you can contribute to this world and it absolutely doesn’t involve having babies. Your mom is just thinking of herself. I don’t think you need to cut ties with her... not if the relationship is otherwise good. She will have to accept and respect your decision. Maybe she would be willing to join volunteer activities with you if she feels like she needs to fulfill her need to care and nurture others? Maybe she would not want to do that... but it makes sense to me that you would find fulfilling and meaningful activities if you felt something was missing...

This whole situation is sad. She needs help. I am quite sorry you are going through this.

As a mother of adult children I crave grandchildren. But, I keep my feelings to myself. This IS, afterall, their decision to make. We have not talked about it - I would never put them in the position of them thinking I feel they are lacking or disappointing me. At this point, I doubt it is going to happen. They are 32 and 27 with burgeoning careers. I just don't see slowing down in their plans. And that is what is important to me; that, if they do have children that they be planned.

I am unsure of how to deal with your mother other than to put your foot down and explain giving her grandshildren is a matter only of your choice and that it isn't in the cards. Perhaps she has a social or support network to talk to someone about her hopes and, quite obviously, her fears. What she is doing is unreasonable. If she won't listen to this reason you may just have to limit your ties with her such that they be on your terms only.

I am so sorry. Not everyone needs to have kids and its incredibly rude for anyone especially a mother to ask when you will have them or why you dont. "Um excuse me but who takes residence in my uterus is my business". I have three kids and would never think to ask anyone why they dont.

I have so many problems with my mother, but this was definitely one issue.

My brother and sister don’t have children either, but she has always pressured me more, mainly because I have had several long-term relationships. My sister doesn’t really date, and my brother was single for a while, although he had one 2-year relationship more recently and is in another long-term relationship now.

She actually once said to me that me not wanting children makes her look like a bad mother. She does have narcissistic tendencies, so I guess it’s no surprise that she makes my choice about her. I asked my siblings and she has never said anything like that to them. She got so upset when I split with my ex because he wanted children and I didn’t, like she was hoping he’d pressure me into it. She’d barely see the child anyways as we live on different continents.

In the end, I would say think of it like this: it’s your life. You have to make the decisions that are best for you, not have a child because she wants you to. At the end of the day, is she going to be the one doing 3 AM feedings, dealing with health issues that could arise, managing a rebellious teenager, bearing the cost of it all – kids are not cheap. No, it’s on you. You don’t owe her grandchildren. I would tell her firmly that it is your decision and that the topic is no longer up for discussion.

With my mom there are larger issues, like I mention, and I really don’t have contact with her after one last, disastrous attempt to skype. When I got over 40, and had recently married someone who also doesn’t want kids, she seemed to finally realize that her pressure wasn’t going to work. Yours probably will with time too.

If that is what your mom needs to feel complete in her life, good for her. But she cannot speak for you on what makes you happy.

Some people get married because they feel pressured to, and they end up in a miserable marriage and eventually divorce.

It's better to be happy single than to have an unhappy family. You can tell your mom that this topic needs to be a taboo when you see her.

This is such a painful subject. I'm sorry for your difficulties. I told my (then 28 year old) daughter that I was okay with not having grand children. In other words, if she felt she needed to get married and have kids, she shouldn't do it on my account. I think it's sad when a person tries to get other people to do things because they are unhappy. You sound like you enjoy your life and that's all that matters.