I'm having thoughts of both self-harm and harm against others

Hello, all...

A couple of years ago, I was divorced after almost 15 years of marriage. During the aftermath, I was very depressed and had clear thoughts of suicide. Obviously I didn't do it, but now I feel like I am in crisis mode again.

At the end of January, I met this woman who I fell for pretty well. She seemed to hold similar feelings for me. Up until a few days ago, I lived with her in her home.

I have always had issues with depression and anxiety and what little treatment I have had was not very successful. I tried a few different medications, with little success.

In this most recent relationship, I truly felt I loved her. She expressed the same feelings. Well, we broke up, and I feel that the fault lie with both of us, but the majority on me. The thing is, as much as she said she cared about me, she dumped me like a bad habit without too much thought, at least to me.

During our relationship, we took in a lady friend of mine who was in distress. That wasn't much of an issue, but I admit I had some feelings for the friend before meeting this woman. She seemed okay with it, and we even engaged in sexual relations with the friend together (3-some). My ex seemed to not mind and enjoyed it, even though I think she was having regrets.

My friend and my ex became fast friends, and seemed to have a bond. I understood it, and was fine. When I got kicked out, though, my friend (and her boyfriend, who had just got out of jail) took my ex's side.

I was obviously crushed, and I still am. I lost a girlfriend and a friend at the same time. I have had thoughts of ending it all, but what disturbs me most is that I have had thoughts of inflicting harm upon them as well, especially my ex. They are not fleeting thoughts, either. I feel a rage and I want them all to pay, but I don't feel I have it in me to actually do anything.

I just seek advice from you all. I really don't know what to do. Thanks.

I’m sorry you’re going through all this.

I know when I’ve suffered great hurt and rejection, I’ve had thoughts that I’d never act on.

Talking to a therapist may be helpful.

Sounds so painful, I’m sorry you are going through so much, very complicated.

I do agree that seeing a Therapist would help you process the break up and betrayal from numerous people.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Thanks for sharing your concern here on PC, huckleberrysawyer. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest would be the coping with emotions forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/coping-with-emotions/

You may also find the depression & anxiety forums to be of interest:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/depression/

https://forums.psychcentral.com/anxi...c-and-phobias/

I'm sorry you are struggling with so much anger. Anger is something I've had quite a bit of experience with over the years as well. The first link below is to an article by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of anger management. The article provides links to a number of additional articles on the subject. The second link is to an anger management blog here on PC. Some of the articles listed there may be of interest as well:

Anger Management & Coping with Angry Feelings - Psych Central

Anger Management | A blog helping you to better manage your angry feelings.

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.