Coming to some realizations

I’ve posted a lot about my strained relationship with my daughter over the past 10+ years... and setting boundaries... and whatnot...

I have really been working hard on this. I have been having honest conversations with myself. I’ve been paying more attention and listening. What I’m seeing is my daughter just doesn’t like to be around me. I do notice that if I don’t say much at all and just listen and agree with everything she says... she’s more relaxed with me. Quite frankly, all indicators point to the glaringly obvious fact that she just doesn’t like me.

I’m talking with my counselor about this. Her angle on this is that I just need to live my life. I need to do what makes me happy. I have to make decisions that are best for me at all times. Easier said than done. It’s heartbreaking.

My daughter wants me to be around the baby. I appreciate that she includes me. I’m not allowed to have any opinions at all though so I say nothing. I walk on eggshells.

I don’t enjoy time around her... or around the baby... I feel censored and controlled. Her husband glares at me or ignores me if I talk to him. I suspect he drinks a lot. I suspect they both do. I will always respect their wishes and do my best to follow their rules.

Is it rude of me to limit time around them? Is that going to make the relationship more strained than it already is? I don’t want to ruin chances of a relationship with the baby. But I don’t see how I fit into the baby’s life anyway and I am miserable around them. I don’t want a conflict or complete estrangement with them. I just don’t want to deal with them...

I’ve overcome one hurdle though. I’ve stopped the guilt over money. I’ve put a stop to letting her guilt me into buying her and the baby stuff. I feel good about this decision. It feels like a huge relief.

I just feel afraid to limit their visits at my house because they exhaust me and I don’t like the way they treat me.

I am sorry ((sisabel)) that you are experiencing this challenge. It sounds like your daughter is using you and she knows you don't approve of her lifestyle and yet she has decided that she is going to continue living this lifestyle which is why she has distanced from you and yet at the same time is using you. The hardest part with your dilemma is that you have a grandchild and I am sure you know your daughter's lifestyle choices are not healthy for her child.

That being said, if your daughter and her husband are drinking too much, which from what you have shared they both make that one of their priorities, you can always make an anonymous call and share your concerns with DCYF. They may even be drinking and driving too, that's dangerous for the child and often when both parents have a drinking problem they do drive drunk. I know someone that actually did this with their young child in the car, got caught more than once and DCYF threatened to take the child away and this person has been involved with getting sober and staying sober knowing there is a risk of losing the child if they don't stay committed. So, DCYF will look into it if someone "even done anonymously files a complaint".

Thank you for your kind and compassionate support. It really helps me to talk about this and be honest with myself.

I don’t think they are negligent parents. They are careful about making sure they aren’t both drinking at the same time unless there’s a babysitter. They are so overly attentive to that baby... I don’t think grandparents are even needed....

I’m not sure why I bring up the drinking or why it’s on my mind. My H said the amount my daughter’s H drank at our house at Christmas really surprised him. I guess like you said, they live a totally different lifestyle and I make them uncomfortable.

Since I won’t be winning any “parent of the year” awards I don’t feel I have a right to say anything or judge them. That said... when you’ve already raised your own kids and made plenty of your own mistakes... you can’t help but notice things that probably aren’t the best thing for a child.

You brought up the drinking sisabel because it's not healthy. Your daughter knows this but has decided to turn a blind eye, even be an enabler.

I hope you are right in that while there is a problem they are so far being careful. You can't change your daughter's choices, but you can set boundaries. It's not always easy as you are finding out, yet, it's important you have boundaries otherwise you will face being used and walked all over, this much you know through experience.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Sisabel I don't think it's rude at all to set boundaries for yourself. Although I understand why you'd be worried for their baby. But I think you need to take some time for yourself. I think you're actually in a position of semi-power right now. They still need you to take care of the baby, otherwise they wouldn't be asking that to you. I think you have every right to refuse if you don't feel like it. Just try to set some boundaries. Tell them that you can take the baby once a week, or twice a month. Whathever suits you. Make them understand that you have your own schedule they have to respect. I think it's important to do this. Otherwise they'll just keep using you. Try to keep an eye on them if you think they're drinking, although of course you can't force them to do something they don't want to. I'm so sorry things aren't going so well with your daughter. Sometimes it happens. It's not your fault. It seems like you're trying your best to make things up with her. But this kind of thing takes two people and it doesn't seem like she's interested. Take care of yourself. Remember that you've already done everything you could to make things up with her. That's what's important. I'm so sorry. I know it's not easy. I hope you'll still be able to see the baby sometimes. After all, you're still her mother. I believe you have every right to see him after all. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

Thank you for the reassurance. My counselor says the same thing it’s just taking me time to emotionally process it. It’s a sad feeling when your own child doesn’t like you and they only see you as somebody who can buy things for you or cater to you when it’s convenient. Yes, you’re right, I do see potential for some issues to unfold with my daughter and her H in the future. I used to worry a lot about it all and now I just want to mind my own business. It’s all easier said than done.

Thank you Mickey. You are such a sweet and kind soul. I might have misrepresented something. My daughter and her H lives out of town so I don’t see them much. But for some reason they keep wanting to visit fairly frequently now that they’ve had the baby. They have high expectations of me when they come but I don’t like the way they treat me and I resent it. I keep feeling guilty that I would rather limit the visits to infrequently.

sisabel, you carry guilt for whatever you did not do when it came to raising her. Well, you can't really change that and no one is THE perfect parent. It's ok to have boundaries, even when our children are grown they still test boundaries and actually learn from us about boundaries. You are continuing to grow and learn as a person too, you realize you need to work on your boundaries and that's something we all work on in our lives. You are there for her, yet you also need to have boundaries. You never know in that at some point she may see the dysfunction in her husband and either put her foot down OR may have to make the choice of walking away, yet, that may not happen for a while, may never happen. Meanwhile, you have to show her by example by practicing what it means to set healthy boundaries, even when it can be a challenge for you.

Kudos for starting with financial boundaries. Maybe the frequency boundaries aren't ready to be set, per se, as you sort through just how much you are willing to withstand.
It's unfortunate, as far as being able to voice any maternal tips/thoughts/ideas that you are censored. It would be nicer to hear, you know I've considered that but chose this but I appreciate the input. But I'm guessing that isn't your daughter's approach. Maybe something to work through as you sort out the frequency of visits.
They live in a different state, or is my memory jumbled? That too can be a financial drain on them. Maybe tie that in as you think how to express your desire for less frequency?

Hi Sisabel. I'm sorry you have to deal with this dilemma. I think self-care is important and it's okay to limit your time with them if it is too stressful.

Hello Sisabel. This sounds like a confusing and painful situation for you. I am sorry you are experiencing this. When I read your initial post, by the time I got to the end of it, I felt that you had already developed a good instinct about the dynamic...though perhaps you aren't quite ready or willing to follow your instinct?

You say you don't enjoy time around your daughter, her hub, and the baby. It's uncomfortable and strained. So, in my opinion it makes sense for you to carve out less time with them.

You mentioned that you can't quite visualize your place in the baby's life. That is a very painful though important realization. For the time being anyway, if things aren't right at all with your daughter and she's baby's Mama Bear...well you know where that leaves you.

All is not lost though. There is something you can try. What if you take a long step back from daughter/hub/baby? For longer than may even feel right or comfortable to you. Step back, focus on your life and peace and joy. See what happens. You never know. You might be surprised by what the future brings....your long absence may be missed more than you could imagine....which may then inspire a new appreciation for you. No guarantees of course and not easy to do but I have done this in my own life and it did help after a while. I wish you peace.

Thank you SilverTrees. I’m glad to know you found peace when you stepped back and focused on self-care. Peace is what I would like. I’ve beat myself up for years that I failed as a mother and now I feel exhausted. I really appreciate your post. My counselor has urged me to step back, as you suggested. I think it helps me to talk through my feelings. Emotionally I haven’t caught up to what I have realized cognitively. And I don’t want to be angry. If that makes any sense. Peace for a change is what I would like.

Yes you are correct. They live out of town. I was going to try traveling to see them rather than them come to us but I have not enjoyed the visits. It feels a bit degrading because I feel like a second class citizen. Her H either ignores me like he never heard me or he picks up his phone most of the time when I talk. My daughter is friendly if I just shut up and listen. They clearly do not like me. When they come to my house it is the same except they expect us to feed and entertain them. Her H even wanted us to take him to an expensive restaurant for his birthday and was quite disappointed when all we did was cook him a meal and make him a cake. At least if they are at my house I can sleep in my own comfortable bed and I can save myself the long trip. I don’t know why my daughter is expecting visits every other month now. After years of visits only once... MAYBE twice a year. It wasn’t that long ago that she was ignoring many of my texts and phone calls. I finally cut down on texting or calling or. She still doesn’t call, I have to be the one to call. I think the once or twice a year are easier to handle but originally I was hoping to bond with the baby. I am feeling confused and torn. I honestly don’t want to see my daughter and her H more than once or twice a year. But I worry I will later regret missing so much of the baby’s life.

Something stood out to me...."he picks up the phone" ...when you and your daughter talk.
I'm kind of fixated on that at the moment--really long day for me.

I think that it's fair to be on guard and fair to want to limit your travels to be there. There's plenty of stress in life without adding to it, more than you can handle or desire to handle. But this picking up the phone to listen in to the conversations that his wife is having is alarming.
Expecting pricey dinners out at your expense as opposed to being appreciative of a home cooked meal...well, that's a lot to demand of others. Negates the nature of gifting and wheels into the land of entitlement.
Add in the alcohol and considering my own life's perspective, I say be there but at your pace. If she's an enabler, don't be hers, if that makes sense?
I'm sure you'll in time figure out what to say and how you want to say it if there's really much to be said. Boundaries are a curious thing because they aren't necessarily about the other person.

Lets look at it from a safety perspective.. lets say something happens to the baby due to a drunk mom or dad, would you want to be around that or feel responsible for what may happen?

He picks up the phone when I am in the room talking as a way to show me he’s not listening to me. When I call, I use FaceTime and he is usually in the room even if I don’t see him. My H thinks it’s odd he doesn’t make his presence known right away when I’m talking to my daughter and the baby. He’s basically a jerk to me. I have no idea how he treats my daughter when I’m not around. The baby seems close to him though. Honestly, the baby seems more relaxed around his dad than he is around his mother, my daughter. That is what I have observed so far. But that could just be because I’m around and causing tension.

Yes, expecting pricey dinners is ridiculous. Especially considering how rude he is to me.

I agree there is not much to say. Not much needs to be said. I just feel sad but I have to accept the reality of the situation. I think for my own sanity I need to limit the visits. You’re right, the boundaries are for me. A lot of this just needs to be resolved in my own head.

No I wouldn’t

I meant to say he picks his phone up when I’m in the room as a way of ignoring me. If I am in the room and I am talking he will either look away as though I’m not there or pick up his phone and ignore me. He won’t engage in a conversation with me very often. If he does, it’s a short conversation with him completely in charge. If I have an opinion of my own, the conversation is over.

Are you able to take some time away Sisabel or is that too uncomfortable for you? No judgment here

I’m definitely stepping back and giving myself a break from all of that. For self preservation. Just spending time on my own things right now and after I sort through things in my head I will deal with all this again. Hopefully I can learn to manage it a bit better... emotionally that is. There is nothing else I can really do except just tolerate things for what they are.