Husband feels like my son and I are mostly the problem because of our mental illness

Just writing on the "bathroom wall" then erasing the graffeti helped.

Always helpful to have a big eraser.

I am sorry for this, what does he do or say?

Sarahsweets, I appreciate all the feedback you give on PC; lots of great observations and advice.

When I am really struggling, I overshare on here about my H and son, so I am trying not to do as much of that anymore and have improved but still have a ways to go.

Yesterday was one of those days where I felt anxious and depressed. On those days, I vacilate between my kids are struggling because of my mental illness (and I am lucky that my H hasn't left me/supports me) verses my H caused the problems (not wanting to be specific) and I am just as guilty because I wasn't brave enough to leave. The way my mind jumps from one conclusion to the other--literally makes me feel like I am going mad. I feel a little better this morning and my H's hug and supportive words meant the world to me this morning. I am glad I erased the graffeti!

I’m glad you’re feeling better. It’s not fair to place all the blame on one person but we all get fed up and say things we really don’t mean.

If you can’t share your feelings here, where do you go to talk? I feel like I over share too...

When my husband got home, I told him exactly how I was feeling about him. Mostly, he eventually talked some sense into me. Though there is still an area of disagreement but I am going to keep that between us. My T (don't go much but I still practice some of what I learned) did encourage me to not be afraid to express my feelings and have better boundaries and I have made progress in these areas. I also PM'd a friend on PC--I feel like that is more private. Feel free to PM me anytime.

Communication is always the key. Feel free to PM me as well. My counselor did not work out but maybe I can eventually find one that I can connect with.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, Nowinners! Sometimes venting can be really helpful, even if we don't really believe the things we're saying. Feel free to PM me anytime as well. I'll always be here for you. Sending many hugs to you, Nowinners. You're a strong, wonderful person

Great you are feeling better about the situation; yet, I think it still would be prudent to be taking some action on this. Be proactive.

Support groups are great for all sides on the matter. Many communities have support groups for just this sort of thing; meetings for family and support persons of those with mood disorders or other mental health concerns. Also, it could be good for you and your son to attend your own. Some of these groups will welcome the attendance of a support person. The group in another city I lived in did so and I could tell it was of great benefit for it changed the perspective of the loved one by seeing that there are people who have been having a success at some level of recovery and living with their illness. So too I would check with your community mental health organisations for resources available for your husband. He need not feel alone dealing with this. He need not be alone in not completely understanding this either.

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Originally Posted by Nowinners Sarahsweets, I appreciate all the feedback you give on PC; lots of great observations and advice. When I am really struggling, I overshare on here about my H and son, so I am trying not to do as much of that anymore and have improved but still have a ways to go. Yesterday was one of those days where I felt anxious and depressed. On those days, I vacilate between my kids are struggling because of my mental illness (and I am lucky that my H hasn't left me/supports me) verses my H caused the problems (not wanting to be specific) and I am just as guilty because I wasn't brave enough to leave. The way my mind jumps from one conclusion to the other--literally makes me feel like I am going mad. I feel a little better this morning and my H's hug and supportive words meant the world to me this morning. I am glad I erased the graffeti!

I'm sorry you're struggling and it is hard for me to give you feedback without any context but I do think you are being hard on yourself. I have never been one to support self blame or anything of the sort when it comes to mental illness .I don't think you should look at yourself as “lucky “that your husband hasn't left you over your mental illness. When we marry people we marry partners; partners that promise to support us through thick and thin. Your husband didn't marry you on the condition of you remaining perfect did he ?

Looking at things from that perspective it is easy to think that you are a failure or at least internalize that you are a failure. But I do not believe that is the case. I believe that you are very introspective to be thinking about things this way.It's important to take care of yourself. That means beyond pleasing others or making sure everybody else is OK. Taking care of yourself can be something as simple as getting proper sleep to something as elaborate as getting therapy. Whatever works for you. Just as long as you don't forget your self and pull yourself out of the equation.

I can be very absentminded and make a lot of mistakes. Mostly, I have always been very good about joking about them, laughing at myself. However, even though he has not been very cooperative and is 24, that I have left my son on the street for nearly one year (the anniversary is May 1st) reflects very badly on my abilities/priorities. Mistakes (not going to talk about because they involved interactions between our son and us) that turned out very badly. A lot of the problem has been that my H and I have been at odds about how to help him. Lately, I spend a lot of time educating and involving him with what is going on with our son. I think he lacked understanding because our children have always confided more in me than their dad. However, I have also had to figure out what things I need to confide verses what shouldn't be confided. In the past, I have sometimes emphasized the wrong things and been too emotionally enmeshed in what is going on with our son. It is going to take a while to unravel.

My H never expected me to be perfect. The first time we interacted was when I called asking for help concerning someone who worked for him and did not show up at a work event I had organized. Like many men, he fell for a damsel in distress. We have been married more than 31 years and he still rescues me on a regular basis. I appreciate that he has always been there for me.

I empathize with how hard it must be to be somewhat at odds with your husband in regards on how to raise the kids. I was very blessed to have no resistance from my husband in raising our kids. Hooray for small miracles! But, that opposition for you had nothing to do with anyone having MI. It was your core values regarding raising children.

Even if you feel you had much success and no conflict with your kids, it’s bound to hit you sometime. I say this because I just had a little head butt with my son, which surprised me to have had happen. What we feel good about in parenting, vs. what we feel bad about; I’m not so sure it matters so much in the relationships moving forward.

Your husband’s attitude about whomever was ‘mostly the problem’ speaks to a lot. Your family has a big problem. Who cares who is mostly at fault, or at fault at all. That’s so petty of him to say and says a lot about him, IMHO. I know, I’m dealing with same.

I don't know if this helps or not, but I had it pointed out to me very recently, that with our kids, sometimes we, as parents, have given them as many doors and presented opportunities but at some point, there's a shift where the child whether adult or becoming one determines their own path and that path is up to them and the outcome rests on their shoulders and their shoulders alone.

Though some of the unhelpful interactions haunt me, I do realize that his homelessness is mostly of his doing. Thanks for this kind reminder.

Unhelpful interactions?

There were some crisis situations that I wish I had handled differently (it was a case of bad emotional reactions to each other). Can't be specific because I don't want to talk about my son's issues publicly.

With time, it will be OK. I just saw my son this morning and we are all having lunch together. We still love each other very much so I think Tisha is right that the individual incidents are not the real deal breakers moving forward. I have been figuring out better how to give him the space he needs and backing off when something triggers me.

Fair enough. I wasn't certain if PC or home/son/husband, so I asked a more open ended question.

I think, as moms, we're simply more prone to guilt, grief and heartache by virtue of motherhood. There's often going to be regretable moments. But that's how we grow as women. It takes two to tango, even in the mother/son dance.
My oldest, who has broken my heart not quite at the level of other moms, but heartbreak nevertheless has actually stated at times-it's not me, it's him. Not every son may articulate it that way. I'm glad that he did. It's moved our mother/son relationship forward instead of backwards.

Unfortunately, when I went back and edited, it wouldn't allow me to edit the title. I do have a mood disorder. I do not want to "tag" my son as MH because he has not yet been diagnosed with anything. I think mental illness is something you have to figure out for yourself with the help of all the information that is out there and someone educated in treating mental health illnesses. Sometimes we can hide our mental illness and not realize that we have a problem. Other than life long sleep issues; I have always functioned just fine when my life is not stressful. I do not consistently take it because of its effect on my sex life but taking Sertraline(Zoloft) for a while made me realize how out of control my thoughts can get when under stress. I get a thought in my head and can't let go of it. This really causes a lot of trouble when the thought that keeps replaying is negative, delusional or just an exagerration because I obsess on one aspect or wrongdoing. It nearly killed me when I was obsessing about SUI and why it would fix some of my problems.

My H commends me a lot with coming so far (being more and more stable since my attempt). He is more positive than negative. I take a some of my frustrations out on him and sometimes he reacts negatively. He is only human.

But you are right, our family still has a lot of big problems that we need to work out. We were not working on the right problems for many years. The children are the ones who pay the price in these situations. I will always feel like I owe something to my children that I can never repay or undo because of my actions.

You are totally right about aspects of this. My H was raised to be more self sufficient--he paid for his cars, college, etc. on his own and was expected to work in his father's hayfield and his father's other part time jobs from a very young age. I was given a car to drive at 16 and had my college tuition and housing paid for. We both wanted to carry these aspects about our upbringing into how we raised our children and they were completely opposite at times.

I said I do not want to characterize what is going on with my son and still believe that is the right thing to do. I am not a trained professional, am too emotionally enmeshed in the situation to be unbiased and am dealing with my own diagnosed issues. Yet there IS something going on, I just don't think it is fair to characterize it. There have been odd behaviors (will not be specific)--are they reasonable reactions to traumatic events (ALOT of traumatic things happen to you when you are homeless ) or does he have a serious underlying condition that emerged after HS but before getting kicked out?

Yesterday, during our walk, I stressed to my husband how inhuman it has been to let this go on. He stressed that we have no choice because of our son's actions and that things are getting better. I told him that from my POV, our son has not improved and if he has a mental illness, his homelessness is making it worse. I believe my H feels like there has been an improvement because I have improved and am not making the situation worse.

However, during the conversation, I felt like he used phrases that I have used in my posts. I am from a rural area out West end went to some very lax public schools so I sometimes use some pretty unsophisticated expressions like "woulda, shoulda, coulda" though my H may have picked up on this from conversing with me (this is not at all typical of how he speaks). So here I go again feeling a bit paranoid. When I feel that way I have learned to take my full medications.

After expressing exactly how I felt to H, it made me feel better but he was a real "bear" when getting ready for work this morning. I suppose he is entitled to have bad days too. I am keeping him in the loop regarding our son and it just is a very tough topic for us to deal with. It feels like a never ending nightmare sometimes......

To my understanding, everybody displays all kinds of emotions when put under severe stress. People who have a disorder, display those symptoms vs. someone without the disorder may handle better the stress that the disordered person handled in the disordered way.

You point out that the treatment has been “inhuman”, and H says you both have “no choice”. Well, you do have choice. It sounds like you have a difference of opinion as to what to do with your H and your H is calling the shots.

Nowinners: i hope I wasnt too harsh before. I can identify what you are going through with your son to an extent. My daughter last year ran away during high school when she was 18. Drugs, alcohol, rehab, sober living, many jobs- she always has drama. She came to stay with us for 2.5 weeks in Jan between sober houses and we have come to realize that like it or not, we can not deal with her living with us. Whether we like it or not she has been independent and her way of living doesn't jive with us anymore- its amazing how fast that happens. It breaks my heart to hear how broke she is all the time. We help her out from time to time but the lessons she had to learn hurt us as much as they did her. I am sorry if I seemed insensitive in my post.

I viewed your feedback as helpful, not hurtful. Sometimes I think I should respond more to your posts about your daughter (be more supportive) but don't because I feel like the opposite of an expert when it comes to parenting. But I really am sorry about what you are going through. It seems like it hurts more when it is your children then any other relationship.