[BlueMerleGirl]

Hi everyone,

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a post about my relationship. My husband and I both have mental health issues, see psychiatrists, and take meds. Mine have been improving lately, while his haven’t. We moved a few years ago when I got laid off, and got a good offer a couple hours away. My husband moved away from his family to come with me for the job, and we had a six month old baby at the time who is now 3.

He is extremely moody. He is depressed because he doesn’t know many people here and misses his family, and I get it. My parents are both dead so i don’t have that anymore, but he does so I get why he misses it. He’s a good dad, but he is incredibly lazy and doesn’t see that I do way more than him in terms of childcare and housework. When we first moved here he was a stay at home dad, and now he’s a realtor. We had a part time nanny for a while and now our kid is in daycare. He has a lot of real estate experience but his career as a realtor so far has been a disaster, and chiefly responsible for a lot of debt we have racked up. He almost quit a few weeks ago but found a cheaper way to maintain his license (being a realtor is expensive). He has deals in his pipeline but there’s just no guarantee it’ll work out.

Here’s why I’m frustrated. I make all the money. Especially with the new debt, it’s just not enough to live the lifestyle we want. It is enough to cover basic living expenses (we are in a relatively high cost of living area). So we are lucky there. He spends boatloads if money on Diet Pepsi, energy drinks, and cigars. Seems like not a big deal but it adds up and we can’t afford it. It never used to bother me that I was the breadwinner, but I have become annoyed since his business has cost us so much money. And he does NOT do much to help us save any. It is like pulling teeth to get him to cook, so I have to do all of it or we end up eating out a lot which we can’t afford. He doesn’t do laundry, and it’s so much effort just to get him to do basic household chores that it’s almost easier if I just do it! He’s gotten better but it’s still pretty awful. I am so frustrated that I have to make all the income, spend more than we can afford on cigars, and do 80 percent of the work maintaining the house and cooking. He just does not get it. It is even worse now because his business takes his energy so he can’t do fun things I want, and he has less energy to help with the house. Somehow I manage to work all day and still do things for the household but he is absolutely incapable or unwilling to do that. I love him, and I don’t want to get angry over petty things, but I just don’t understand how this is OK. We fight about finances a lot and we do make improvements but it just seems to go back to normal after a while. I am fine if he stays home, but he needs to watch the kid, do at least 50 percent of the cooking and housework if not more, and stop wasting money to make our budget work. He has stayed home before and it just did not work out and I’m afraid that’ll happen again. I feel like I’ve just leaned to live with this stuff that makes me unhappy and I don’t know what to do.

Why are things like this, what can I do to make it better?

[Medusax]

I hear you on the lazy part. I do not make the most money, but I manage money well and he can't at all. he would be in debt if he made 10k a month. he works for the railroad and he keeps most of what he makes and sends me what is left over. I work for a local poultry plant, and most of the time my paychecks are more than what he sends home. We are in a very LOW cost area, I insisted we move out of Oregon in 2008. We do not have children, but the work falls on me. The yard, the house and of course my job, which often has mandatory overtime. He has recently filed for a debt consolidation program, AGAIN. Fun things for him are sitting in his recliner watching TV while playing on his computer. I feel your pain. I too, have simply learned to "live" with it.

[BlueMerleGirl]

Originally Posted by Medusax

I hear you on the lazy part. I do not make the most money, but I manage money well and he can't at all. he would be in debt if he made 10k a month. he works for the railroad and he keeps most of what he makes and sends me what is left over. I work for a local poultry plant, and most of the time my paychecks are more than what he sends home. We are in a very LOW cost area, I insisted we move out of Oregon in 2008. We do not have children, but the work falls on me. The yard, the house and of course my job, which often has mandatory overtime. He has recently filed for a debt consolidation program, AGAIN. Fun things for him are sitting in his recliner watching TV while playing on his computer. I feel your pain. I too, have simply learned to "live" with it.

Thanks for this. I am glad to know I’m not alone. I don’t want to feel like I am being petty or fighting over dumb things but I really feel like it’s driven us apart. This would NEVER be ok if the situation was reversed. If he was making all the money and I was losing it in a business and not doing even my fair share of housework and childcare, I am sure I’d be expected to do all of it like I do now. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel guilty when I ask him to do things like cook dinner. I know he has mental health issues but I just don’t understand how he is capable of so little. And he sometimes feels overwhelmed and like he has too much responsibility which is just infuriating to me. I have learned to love with it as well, but I have resentment that I just can’t swallow and it’s really caused us to go in the wrong direction. I don’t know whether he is just not capable of handling things or if it’s just about laziness.

[~Christina]

Couples Therapy ? Might help straighten things out.

Sorry your dealing with what I would call a Brat

[WishfulThinker66]

I think couples' therapy is the answer here. He needs to hear it from someone in authority that his behaviour isn't helpful; neither is it appropriate. In my own experience, no amount of pleading, telling, or putting my foot down was going to change my then husband's behaviour. He needed to hear it from someone else that he was basically being a dufus. How I managed to convince him to go to therapy I do not entirely know how. I DO know that he honestly thought he was doing everything right and that it was him the counselor was going to side with. What a shocker then to him when that didn't happen. He went expecting me to get a lecture about laying off nagging him. Instead he got an earful.

[BlueMerleGirl]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

I think couples' therapy is the answer here. He needs to hear it from someone in authority that his behaviour isn't helpful; neither is it appropriate. In my own experience, no amount of pleading, telling, or putting my foot down was going to change my then husband's behaviour. He needed to hear it from someone else that he was basically being a dufus. How I managed to convince him to go to therapy I do not entirely know how. I DO know that he honestly thought he was doing everything right and that it was him the counselor was going to side with. What a shocker then to him when that didn't happen. He went expecting me to get a lecture about laying off nagging him. Instead he got an earful.

Thanks for the advice. actually I think he would be willing to do couples therapy and it’s sornthing we have considered more seriously recently. There are certainly things I can improve on too but no Matter what I do he won’t ever understand how it is so hard for me to do so much more than him, and that he has a distorted view of the amount he contributes. Did it help your relationship a lot?

[BlueMerleGirl]

I love this board!!! Psych central is such a great place to post. I almost wanted to delete this because I was afraid I would get a bunch of nasty comments as I sometimes have on boards at like babycenter and other places. It’s nice that people aren’t judge mental here, we all know what it’s like to struggle with mental health.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by BlueMerleGirl

Here’s why I’m frustrated. I make all the money. Especially with the new debt, it’s just not enough to live the lifestyle we want. It is enough to cover basic living expenses (we are in a relatively high cost of living area). So we are lucky there. He spends boatloads if money on Diet Pepsi, energy drinks, and cigars. Seems like not a big deal but it adds up and we can’t afford it. It never used to bother me that I was the breadwinner, but I have become annoyed since his business has cost us so much money. And he does NOT do much to help us save any. It is like pulling teeth to get him to cook, so I have to do all of it or we end up eating out a lot which we can’t afford. He doesn’t do laundry, and it’s so much effort just to get him to do basic household chores that it’s almost easier if I just do it! He’s gotten better but it’s still pretty awful. I am so frustrated that I have to make all the income, spend more than we can afford on cigars, and do 80 percent of the work maintaining the house and cooking. He just does not get it.

Are there any consequences to his actions when you run out of money or are severely strapped when he buys cigars and stuff? Have you stopped doing his laundry and other chores for him?I know that many people, myself included need consequences to propel change, what are his?

It is even worse now because his business takes his energy so he can’t do fun things I want, and he has less energy to help with the house. Somehow I manage to work all day and still do things for the household but he is absolutely incapable or unwilling to do that. I love him, and I don’t want to get angry over petty things, but I just don’t understand how this is OK. We fight about finances a lot and we do make improvements but it just seems to go back to normal after a while. I am fine if he stays home, but he needs to watch the kid, do at least 50 percent of the cooking and housework if not more, and stop wasting money to make our budget work.

You are not being petty at all, he needs to know this is beyond you being irritated, this is a big thing, You can not do it all on your own. He is a father and its not just your job to care for your child- its a two parent deal. I still think there needs to be some sort of natural consequence to not doing the things he is supposed to do.

He has stayed home before and it just did not work out and I’m afraid that’ll happen again. I feel like I’ve just leaned to live with this stuff that makes me unhappy and I don’t know what to do.

Why are things like this, what can I do to make it better?

You do not need to keep "living with it" or keep the peace. He needs to know that you will not participate in his choices. He needs to do his own laundry and anything else in the house that you do for him needs to stop. Including even meals. Anything you can do to make his current choices not work. What about marriage counseling? Who's name is associated with the major financial stuff?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, BlueMerleGirl You're not being petty AT ALL. From what you wrote it seems like he's not taking his responsabilities seriously. He needs to understand that he's an husband and a father now and that he need to act like one. I don't think it's fair to you or your children. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. Couple counseling is a great idea! You've been given some great advice on this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. I hope couple counseling will be helpful to you and especially to him and that he will understand he needs to change if he wants this marriage to continue. It's great that he's willing to try it at least! I'd suggest to definitely go for it! You've got nothing to lose. I hope things will get better soon for you and your family. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, BlueMerleGirl. You're a strong, wonderful person. You don't deserve to suffer at all. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this

Originally Posted by BlueMerleGirl

Here’s why I’m frustrated. I make all the money. Especially with the new debt, it’s just not enough to live the lifestyle we want. It is enough to cover basic living expenses (we are in a relatively high cost of living area). So we are lucky there. He spends boatloads if money on Diet Pepsi, energy drinks, and cigars. Seems like not a big deal but it adds up and we can’t afford it. It never used to bother me that I was the breadwinner, but I have become annoyed since his business has cost us so much money. And he does NOT do much to help us save any. It is like pulling teeth to get him to cook, so I have to do all of it or we end up eating out a lot which we can’t afford. He doesn’t do laundry, and it’s so much effort just to get him to do basic household chores that it’s almost easier if I just do it! He’s gotten better but it’s still pretty awful. I am so frustrated that I have to make all the income, spend more than we can afford on cigars, and do 80 percent of the work maintaining the house and cooking. He just does not get it. It is even worse now because his business takes his energy so he can’t do fun things I want, and he has less energy to help with the house. Somehow I manage to work all day and still do things for the household but he is absolutely incapable or unwilling to do that. I love him, and I don’t want to get angry over petty things, but I just don’t understand how this is OK. We fight about finances a lot and we do make improvements but it just seems to go back to normal after a while. I am fine if he stays home, but he needs to watch the kid, do at least 50 percent of the cooking and housework if not more, and stop wasting money to make our budget work. He has stayed home before and it just did not work out and I’m afraid that’ll happen again. I feel like I’ve just leaned to live with this stuff that makes me unhappy and I don’t know what to do.

Why are things like this, what can I do to make it better?

You can't stop him from obtaining his own credit card and racking up debt. Whether you can afford it or not, pay yourself first and his credit cards last (or not at all if you can't afford it). Make sure you do not have any joint credit cards with him. Pay yourself by putting as much money as you can into an IRA or 401K--here is why: If your H ever has to file for bankruptcy then, usually, your IRA and 401K will not be involved. If you have no debts in your name but he does, if he eventually reaches his limit, he will have to stop or declare bankruptcy. It IS possible when you are married for just one person to file for bankruptcy. Unfortunately, I know this because when I racked up well over $300,000 in hospital debt, I was able to file for bankruptcy without involving my spouse so his credit was not damaged enabling us to get insurance rates, etc at reasonable rate (bad credit can make insurance and many other things more expensive). If you can't or don't want to leave him then have a bank account and retirement savings in your name only. Feel like you CAN decide how the money you earn is spent!

[divine1966]

Just to warn you that if you work and he doesn’t or he is making very little if you get divorced you’d be paying him alimony. You do have to stay married for at least 10
years I think fir him to ask for alimony, he would also take a half of your 401k or other retiremrnts plans. I personally would never live with someone who either doesn’t work or makes significantly less becagse it’s too risky. I think seeing couple therapist and financial planner and a lawyer (for you to see how to protect yourself) is step one here.

You can also ask a lawyer to help you with post nuptial agreement. It might help you to protect your savings

[WishfulThinker66]

Originally Posted by BlueMerleGirl

Thanks for the advice. actually I think he would be willing to do couples therapy and it’s sornthing we have considered more seriously recently. There are certainly things I can improve on too but no Matter what I do he won’t ever understand how it is so hard for me to do so much more than him, and that he has a distorted view of the amount he contributes. Did it help your relationship a lot?

Hi BlueMerleGirl. I really wish I could say it did. But there were other issues in the relationship that I could not tolerate nor mend. He did however become helpful around the house and make more of an investment and contribution to it's operation. Until the other issues came to a crescendo there was in fact at least somewhat of an improvement. We actually continued a few more sessions of couples' therapy where other behaviours of his were addressed as inappropriate by the therapist. I am not saying I did no wrong but for the most part it was he the therapist came down harder on. I still recommend the therapy though as it did improve things.

[Medusax]

Back in the beginning when I was young and naive about money troubles (my family was responsible, and didn't deal with such things) he told me that I had to go through bankruptcy with him. I had NO KNOWLEDGE of his loaded credit cards, and I was not on his and mine were completely clear, actually sitting unused in drawers. I lost all my good credit at that time. I have it back now, (for some time) and he is in debt consolidation, again. I told him NEVER again would I sign anything with him. If I have any inheritance from my mother's estate it will be controlled by my sister. (Yes, I trust her) He will have no access to it.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by BlueMerleGirl

It is like pulling teeth to get him to cook, so I have to do all of it or we end up eating out a lot which we can’t afford. He doesn’t do laundry, and it’s so much effort just to get him to do basic household chores that it’s almost easier if I just do it!

This is the tough part where the difference lies in whether we allow ourselves to be treated in a certain way vs having someone treat us the way we deserve. When you cook, cook for you and the baby. If there are leftovers-great. Do not make anything special for him or change your eating time and place just for him.
Do not do his laundry under any circumstances even if his hamper if overflowing and he rants about not having clean clothes. What other basic household chores does he do or not do that you feel he should?

80 percent of the work maintaining the house and cooking. He just does not get it.

He gets it just fine. He knows if he avoids it long enough or does a crappy job then you will do it because it drives you nuts or you feel you have to. Dont. He is a grown man and existed fine on his own without you. You have two people to take care of and now he has himself to worry about. Do not take the bait and fight with him about this stuff. Just walk away or tell him you do not want to talk to him about it and refuse to engage. Its hard to have an argument with only one person. He sounds like someone who may whine or needle his way into getting what he wants- dont let that bother you, its just noise without meaning.

It is even worse now because his business takes his energy so he can’t do fun things I want, and he has less energy to help with the house. Somehow I manage to work all day and still do things for the household but he is absolutely incapable or unwilling to do that.

You may have to bear this for a bit while you stick to some boundaries. He is not able to prioritize the household and money so you will still be on the bottom of that list. Hopefully he realizes it and makes time for you.

I love him, and I don’t want to get angry over petty things, but I just don’t understand how this is OK. We fight about finances a lot and we do make improvements but it just seems to go back to normal after a while. I am fine if he stays home, but he needs to watch the kid, do at least 50 percent of the cooking and housework if not more, and stop wasting money to make our budget work. He has stayed home before and it just did not work out and I’m afraid that’ll happen again. I feel like I’ve just leaned to live with this stuff that makes me unhappy and I don’t know what to do.

Why are things like this, what can I do to make it better?

Do not be fine with him staying home after all this money has been spent over the real estate thing and his spending habits. Once he finds out you are ok with this he will take you up on it and probably do the bare minimum and still be angry with you because his life's dream isnt working out. And your child deserves more than the bare minimum.