[ssintas]

Hi there

I have been concerned that my mom is in an emotionally abusive relationship. I tried looking up some signs but it was kind of vague and I wasn't sure...I figured I would explain it to you nice people here and see what you thought.

My mom got laid off several times in the past years, and so for about 2ish years has been dependent on her boyfriend, who I will refer to as X. X has a habit of being...unpredictable. Here are some of the things I've witnessed (I live with my mom):

-she will call to say hi or check up on him, and see if he wants anything for dinner. He says yes, I'm on my way. Never comes home and she ends up making a big meal for nothing.

-she is leaving to do something small (grocery store, walk, etc), and asks if he wants to do something. He says yes, i'll be here. He leaves as soon as she steps out the door.

-since she has been relying on him for $$$, she will ask him for rent money. He will not pick up the phone, will ghost her, and pretty much will avoid her until the last minute. Sometimes he helps with rent, sometimes she goes into savings.

-He will disappear. For weeks. She will have to go to his place of work to see if he's doing ok.

-He will not take her calls, miss helping with rent, and then waltz back into the house acting like nothing is wrong. He brought flowers once. He then expects her to make him dinner and breakfast. And she ****ing does.

-He has cheated on her. She does not care.

-He 'jokes' about her being fat/looking old.

-He goes on crazy benders, where he cannot be reached for weeks at a time. Alcohol, cocaine, probably meth at one point.

I am not sure how he has treated her for the entire duration of their relationship (14 years--i'm only 21, so I don't have good perspective). I do know that he's been a total piece of work for the past 5 or 6 years. Yes, he helped give me rides to school sometimes. Yes, he provided her with 'emotional support'. No, that doesn't excuse all of this!

I have watched my mother been broken by his betrayal so many times. I'm close with her and it pains me so much. It nauseates me that she allows him to just come and go in the house as he pleases. I want to puke when they cuddle. The last year was particularly bad...she cried every day in her room, in the car, and in restaurants because of his hot and cold behavior towards her. When he was cold towards her, she was stricken with grief. When he decided to be warm again, she was elated and happy. The worst part for me was when she was happy, and I knew that he was about to act cold and break her again.

He always swears it will be different. He always makes all these promises and gets her hopes up. It has worked for a long time, she seems to know now that his promises are false, but I think she's still hopeful.

This got much longer than I intended. Thanks for reading.

[sarahsweets]

Do they live together? It does sound toxic. What does your mom say about it? Have you tried talking to her about it?

[ssintas]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Do they live together? It does sound toxic. What does your mom say about it? Have you tried talking to her about it?

Yeah they do. I live in the same house with them. But, he comes and goes. Sometimes he's here for a full week, then he'll be gone the next.

Yes, I have tried talking to her about it. She recognizes how I feel and says she's grateful that I'm so protective of her. She always says that she's 'moving on' and then never does. She also rationalizes a lot of his bad behavior by saying that he got used to not being her priority (which was me), and so...I guess this means it's ok? She says that she did not want a full time relationship when I was younger, and he took the back burner, which is why he became accustomed to being 'in and out'. I don't think that's a good excuse for lying about when you're coming home, not coming home when you said you would, and all the other crazy stuff I mentioned.

She also mentions that he helped her a lot with giving me rides. To his credit, he did give me rides when I was younger, which I'm sure was very helpful to her. But again, a good does not cancel out an evil.

[Open Eyes]

Unfortunately your mother has become a codependent and enabler. She is living the life that partners of addicts live too. It sounds like your mother has been doing this for so long she doesn't know how to live her life any other way. She should attend some alanon meetings so she can learn that what she is living is bad for her and that she needs to break free from being "used" by this man who is only loyal to his addiction.