[Icedgem]

For months I've been having suicidal thoughts yet I would never ever act on them. They just swirl around my head and worse if I'm having a bad day.

I want to tell my parener about this but how on earth do I do that without making him worry or look at my differently?!

There never seems a good time. He's recently had an operation so has been recovering. He's busy with work and burnt out. So for me to put this on him will be enormous right now.

I cry a lot. Have emotional rollercoasters which I can't seem to control then take it out on him. He asked me to get some things from the shop then didn't say thanks when I came back. I broke down and burst into tears saying how I feel unappreciated. I know he appreciates me but I couldn't stop the tears. He asked what was wrong I said nothing, he tried to dig deeper but I pushed him away.

Im having telephone therapy for anxiety and want to share this with my therapist but I remember him saying at the start that this is confidential unless his things I'm a danger to myself etc I don't want anything to happen as I will never go through with it, just can't stop the thoughts

[Skeezyks]

Well... I have suicidal thoughts that swirl around in my head pretty-much continuously. Plus I've made several attempts in that direction as well. I don't talk to anyone about it. I just keep it all to myself. (Not recommended.) I don't see a therapist. And my spouse wouldn't want to hear it. She wouldn't know what to do & it would just upset her. I would have to admit too that I also have a tendency to take it out on my spouse.

You mentioned being concerned about sharing your suicidal thoughts with your husband. And I'd be inclined to agree with you on that especially given the circumstances you describe. However you also expressed concern about talking this over with your therapist. I can certainly understand your apprehension. But my personal opinion would be you need find someone with whom you can share what's going on. For one thing it's not psychologically healthy for you to keep trying to keep the lid on this, so to speak. (I should talk...) And it's clearly not doing your marriage any good either. Perhaps writing, here on PC, about the thoughts you're having can be of some help. But if it's not enough, I would like to encourage you to find somewhere to share your suicidal thoughts. Perhaps there might be a support group you could attend? My best wishes to you...

[Bill3]

Many therapists will allow patients to discuss suicidal thoughts, as they should. Therapists are required to intervene only if a patient expresses an imminent danger of harm to self or others. That would typically involve not just having suicidal thoughts, but also having a plan, the means to accomplish that plan, and an imminent intention to do so.

I agree that it would be very important to be able to speak your thoughts to an experienced listener such as a therapist or a hotline listener such as can be reached 24/7 at the National Suicide Hotline, 1-800-373-TALK.

You need to call the Suicide Hotline. Message boards are not an appropriate place to discuss this topic. I'm not a moderator, but it's not appropriate to discuss it here.

Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

[divine1966]

Please seek help ASAP. Call your doctor. Therapist. Take yourself to ER. Suicide hotline mentioned above. This isn’t something to take lightly. Do it right now.

[Heartache11]

Yes call someone. I'm going through some tough stuff myself and it's nice to talk about it with people so I get on here to tell others I dont know and if that's not enough for you, call the suicide hotline please your life is valuable! Dont forget that! My heart is hurting more for you!

[Icedgem]

I'm not going to kill myself.

I'm just having a lot of unwanted thoughts. This is why I didn't want to discuss with therapist etc. These are purely thoughts that I will not act upon

[Bill3]

How significantly are these thoughts affecting your life?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Icedgem

I'm not going to kill myself.

I'm just having a lot of unwanted thoughts. This is why I didn't want to discuss with therapist etc. These are purely thoughts that I will not act upon

I have a close family member commit suicide. He also just had thoughts and was also not going to act upon it. Until he did. If you make posts about having suicidal thoughts, please be aware that many of us here are effected by it personally and professionally and aren’t going to take it lightly. If you aren’t willing to get help with this, what was the purpose of such thread in online forum?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Icedgem! I'm afraid I must agree with all the other great, wise, wonderful posters here! You've been given lots of great, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! Please try to follow it AS MUCH AS YOU CAN IF YOU CAN! Please try to reach out to a professional as soon as you can or call an hotline? Even if you don't want to act on these suicidal thoughts you're having, they're STILL suicidal thoughts and you MAY act on them if you're not getting the treatment you need and deserve! I'd also suggest to talk to your partner about this if you can! I understand why you may have doubts about all of this, but it's important that you talk to him about this and see how it goes from there! PLEASE TRY TO GET SOME HELP! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON and you WILL get out of this! Just try to do your best! That's all we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough! There's no need to be ashamed in admitting that you're struggling and in asking for help! Please think about that! Try not to worry too much You MATTER and you're WORTH IT! Please do it for yourself and your partner! You ARE important and you DESERVE to GET BETTER! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Icedgem!

[Iloivar]

When did these thoughts occur, and why? I agree with Skeezyks. Talking to someone might be beneficial. There are reddit subforums that might help in that regard if PC doesn't end up doing so. Otherwise, I suggest talking to a proffesional. What Bill3 said is correct, but search it up yourself if you're still not confident. Or even ask the one you were talking to.

As to not wanting to burden your husband.. well, if your recent emotional breakdown is any indication of what's to come, then perhaps disclosing the cause is better then leaving him confused and maybe speculating on what he's doing wrong.

[Bill3]

The correct phone number for the National Suicide Hotline in the United States is 1-800-273-TALK.

[Icedgem]

Thanks for all your support.

My partner had a member of his staff on phone to him recently saying she was suicidal and also today we found out his mum took an overdose as she found her husband had an affair. Everyone is ok thankfully.

Obviously this now just makes it incredibly difficult for me to put this on him

[Open Eyes]

(((Icedgem))),

The important thing for you to do is reach out for help and to see a therapist. With the right therapy you can get past these feelings of wanting to give up on life and regain yourself and finally heal.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Icedgem

Thanks for all your support.

My partner had a member of his staff on phone to him recently saying she was suicidal and also today we found out his mum took an overdose as she found her husband had an affair. Everyone is ok thankfully.

Obviously this now just makes it incredibly difficult for me to put this on him

I personally never said you have to put it on this guy, you have to seek professional help.

[Stuck1nhead]

I can say that hotlines are a real great help. I was in a situation similar to yours. I would constantly think about killing myself. But I would never act on them and the fact that I was having these thoughts terrified me. After help from here, hotlines, therapist, and meditation I got better.

[Icedgem]

Originally Posted by Stuck1nhead

I can say that hotlines are a real great help. I was in a situation similar to yours. I would constantly think about killing myself. But I would never act on them and the fact that I was having these thoughts terrified me. After help from here, hotlines, therapist, and meditation I got better.

How did the therapist help?

I've been reading online about intrusive thoughts and this is exactly what I have. No desire at all to act anything out or go through with suicide

[Stuck1nhead]

Originally Posted by Icedgem

How did the therapist help?


I've been reading online about intrusive thoughts and this is exactly what I have. No desire at all to act anything out or go through with suicide

He taught me that there just random thoughts that I have a habit on obsessing over. But the thoughts are just thoughts and they cannot hurt me. I also learned thought stopping. Which I did by keeping a rubber band around my wrist. Every time I had a suicidal or violent thought I would snap myself with the rubber band. It’s basically telling the subconscious that whenever it sends my conscious a suicidal thought pain is inflicted. Therefore training the brain to quit sending them. Kind of like a shock collar on a dog. I admit that it’s like self harm, but I have found that it works very well.

I went from thinking about suicide dozens of times a day to maybe once if that. I don’t even need a rubber band now since I have trained my subconscious mind. Mindfulness meditation has also helped me a lot.

[Open Eyes]

((Icedgem)),

The therapist I saw was an experienced trauma therapist, I suffer from complex ptsd. He helped me realize things and LISTENED to me and these suicidal impulses I struggled with got weaker and weaker. Now I am working with a therapist that practices Accelerated Resolution Therapy, and though I have just started that, I have found it helpful.

Your partner isn't a therapist, more than likely doesn't have the skills to help you and may respond to you in ways that can make you feel like you are a burden to him. That's the last thing you need, instead you need a professional that can help you gain some relief rather than holding it all inside you.

Patience with self is key and important in your healing and gaining. You "can" make gains on this challenge, and these suicidal thoughts are telling you to reach out for help instead of struggling on your own.

[Icedgem]

Thank you both thats really helpful.

The reason I want to tell my other half is because I do want to share it with him and don't want to keep it hidden but it's so hard. It was hard enough for me to type it out on here

[Open Eyes]

You might frighten your boyfriend. People don't understand or know how to respond to someone who talks about feeling suicidal, that's why it's better to talk to a therapist that understands it and can validate you in ways nonprofessionals can't or don't know how.

[Icedgem]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You might frighten your boyfriend. People don't understand or know how to respond to someone who talks about feeling suicidal, that's why it's better to talk to a therapist that understands it and can validate you in ways nonprofessionals can't or don't know how.

Thank you. And yes I totally see where you're coming from.

However, if the tables were turned and he was feeling this way and couldn't communicate this with me I'd feel so hurt by that.

I can't keep on pretending to him I'm ok. He's knows something isn't right. He's asked a few times, he even dug a bit suggesting topics that could have been on my mind such as friends family work is etc. If he'd had asked if I'm having problems with ME then I'm pretty sure I would have just broken down and spilled it all.

I'm not mad at him at all for not asking the RIGHT things, it's just makes it a little easier if you know what I mean... To have someone prompt a little to get you started

[Bill3]

I think you might inform him so that he knows what is going on, but not expect him to be able to heal you. He can support you but the actual healing work would be done with a therapist.

I have suicidal ideation from time to time. It unfortunately goes along with depression...particularly chronic untreated depression. It's not new to me so at this point I've trained myself to just let the thoughts be...if I don't build them up too much or fear them too much they start to settle down in time. I DO tell my partner. Sometimes my mother. It's a relief to tell someone because when I try to only keep the thoughts to myself they get more frequent or more intense. My partner doesn't need to do anything, just listens or gives me a hug or asks if I need a ride to the doctor.

if I get to a point when nothing is letting up and I feel very scared of what i might do, I just go to a doctor and say that my depression is really bad. I don't even necessarily mention the suicidal ideation....usually they can tell when they see me that I feel awful. I often find that just the conversation and connection with an experienced doctor makes me feel better. And of course they'll talk about new therapy options because meds have never worked for me and they make me sick with side-effects. Often by the time I get home after the appointment, I feel quite a bit better. The last time I did therapy, my psychologist was not helpful with suicidal ideation because she'd shut the talk down or shame me when I really wanted to share the bizarre ideas in my mind. However, a better therapist would probably talk it all through with you and perhaps offer coping strategies.

Does it help to tell us? I have called helplines a few times in my life when I was living alone and there was nobody to tell.

One time, I was having really intense suicidal ideation out of nowhere (with no desire to act on it) and my partner knows that meditation helps me. it was late at night. he helped me get to bed (I was crying a lot) and then put on a guided meditation on YouTube which was designed for people feeling suicidal. It calmed me and then I was able to fall asleep. By the time I woke up, I felt better. Good sleep is very important for daily regulation of emotions. How's your sleep?

I also found an article written for partners of people living with depression. My guy said it was really helpful.