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Magnate
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#1
Has anyone realized that it is easy to see where other people, especially other friends or people we know well, are doing wrong in social situations that make it hard for them to make new friends or maintain them, yet we can't see what we may be doing ourselves that prevent us from making or maintaining friendships? I've seen people I know struggle to make or maintain friendships and I am able to see why. Usually they are too negative all the time or they come off too strong. Also sometimes they force themselves into conversations that didn't include them, and in a couple cases, say things that may be inappropriate or totally unrelated to what was being said, therefore, pushing others away.
Also in some unfortunate cases, they mistakenly think the person or people they are trying to be friends with are closer to them than they really are. I know I've done one of these for sure, which is mistakenly think someone or a group of people like me more or consider me more of a friend than they really did. I would think they actually wanted to be friends with me when in fact they were just acquaintances. But otherwise, I struggle to see what could be going wrong, other than the fact that I have a slight facial paralysis and hearing impairment which probably doesn't help matters. Meanwhile, a friend of mine will sometimes get upset that she feels rejected a lot which I completely understand and can relate to. I've seen her interact with others and I'm able to figure out why. Sometimes she mistakenly thinks they are closer than they are, which I've done before. I did that a lot when I was in high school but not anymore. But a lot of other times, she will force herself into conversations that originally didn't include her, which I never do. Usually that causes the other people who were talking to give her annoyed looks or just brush her off like she's not there. I also knew someone that was constantly negative anytime something didn't go her way. And she didn't understand why she struggled to make new friends or maintain them. Yet, other than my paralysis and hearing impairment, I struggle to understand why I can't make new friends or struggle maintaining them. I no longer assume people are closer to me than they really are. I hoped that would rectify the problem but it really hasn't. Clearly there is something else going on too that makes it difficult. Does anyone else have this issue where they struggle to see what they may be doing wrong, yet, they can easily see it in other people? Usually when this happens, it is easy to comfort someone who is feeling rejected and down by giving them hope or just a listening ear, yet struggle to find out what may be going on with yourself and the way you act in social situations. |
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Fuzzybear
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#2
It is difficult to be objective from within.
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Fuzzybear
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Chyialee, rdgrad15
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#3
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healingme4me
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#4
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Its something I am not perfect at. What I try hardest to do is not treat someone unkind or truly not give them a chance just because I think I have it figured out. I mean seriously- who the hell am I anyway to even listen to my own bull *****. __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Fuzzybear, Open Eyes
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rdgrad15
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#5
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And in terms of forcing herself, yeah she basically will sort of walk up to a group and start adding comments and the other group members will ignore her. Maybe glance at her but otherwise ignore. And yes, negativity that occurs constantly, especially if it is because someone didn't get what they wanted, is hard for me to be around after some time. I've been in that situation and eventually it wears me down and makes me feel more negative and sad. Amazing at what constant exposure to negativity can do to you. It is a turnoff for anyone. And yes, seeing yourself objectively is hard especially if you may be seeing your own faults in someone else, which is very common among people. As you put it, it's just human nature. |
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Fuzzybear
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#6
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healingme4me, rdgrad15
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Magnate
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#7
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Fuzzybear
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#8
You seem to be analysing your and other people's social behaviours from the outside, but don't you think that there are different levels to this?
Today something suddenly made me remember how alone I was in my teens while suffering the worst of the abuse. Now it's different. I can enjoy company. I invite people and they come and want to visit me again. It feels genuine and not a crazy effort. I still don't have close friends, but I'm definitely happier with other people than I've been for a long time. And when I'm happy I stop analysing. I has taken me decades to learn to be even this genuinely comfortable with others, both on my best days and my worst. I'm also finding that changing where I live is changing the people who I meet. Having things in common, rather than struggling to choke back disagreements all the time, helps the enjoyment factor. That again leads to more happiness and less analysing. I was thinking how therapy made me obsess about loneliness and having friends but in my case I've had to learn huge amounts about my own self before I could feel safer with other people. I'm not knocking your exploration RD, but some of friendship behaviour perhaps just comes from forgetting the rules and enjoying social contact??? Also being patient enough to learn one step at a time, instead of juggling it all at once. Or perhaps it doesn't. I guess I've worked in some super competitive and judgemental social environments, but now I'm meeting people who are more relaxed and so the game is more fluid. More open to learn from mistakes. Just what I was reflecting on this afternoon, anyways. The more that I analysed myself in therapy the worse my social life became - because I expected to fit in with everybody instead of filtering who I reached out towards. __________________ *"Fierce <-> Reality"* oh god I am struggling today, help me to remember how to stay connected and human! remember: the nut shell against human predators and my own fear! |
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rdgrad15
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#9
I think it’s so easy to see the mistakes of others and not my own. I can easily give advice to others but it’s hard to take my own advice sometimes. I think I have made most of the social mistakes your friend makes. Especially the one about assuming friendships are closer than they are. I have pulled way back from that. What I noticed is that I have a lot of acquaintances but not really any friends. I’m working on accepting that. It’s very hard to build and maintain relationships. Friendships are especially hard I think.
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rdgrad15
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Magnate
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#10
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Magnate
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#11
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They may like you, but not as close as they do to others. I’ve come to learn the difference between someone genuinely being rude and someone who just simply doesn’t feel close to me but may still like me though. I no longer do that. I’m very careful and I don’t assume friendships are super close off the bat. Yeah friendships can be hard. |
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saidso
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saidso
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#12
Actually, I can see more where you're coming from this morning too because I had a nightmare about being ignored last night which was so painful! It's one thing for me to intellectualize on this thread and quite another to be singled out in a group and treated with contempt. Horribly painful, and difficult to address. I feel for your friend!
Sorry, sometimes my own analysing mind forgets how painful emotions can be! __________________ *"Fierce <-> Reality"* oh god I am struggling today, help me to remember how to stay connected and human! remember: the nut shell against human predators and my own fear! |
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rdgrad15
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#13
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Of course it's not that easy to communicate. I am just being honest about my own side of any unfamiliar interaction which is usually overload and frustration. I tend to stay with people who are easily comprehensible. Reflecting further, I myself am often unable to gauge the level of interest of the opposite gender (men in my case). Some men flatter for all sorts of reasons other than genuine intentions of relating. Hmmn, would welcome any feedback on that one! I like what you write about learning to notice the difference between someone who isn't close to you but still likes you! Like that very much!!! I'm sure that attending to that would improve my relationships also, because it would let other people know that I am sensitive to their emotional boundaries. That's super important in getting closer to someone. Thank you for posting this thread!!! __________________ *"Fierce <-> Reality"* oh god I am struggling today, help me to remember how to stay connected and human! remember: the nut shell against human predators and my own fear! Last edited by saidso; Apr 18, 2019 at 01:39 AM.. |
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rdgrad15
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#14
Learning to notice degrees of closeness more would be a good thing for me!
But also when I consult inside - my inner self is actually over the moon with about being genuinely "liked" by a few people, indeed by as many people are possible. If I listen internally, despite cravings for closeness I am more comfortable not dealing with all the sucking and whooshing of energies that means on a daily basis: dealing with that in two directions is too complex for my damaged self. The real interplay of two people's emotions is messier than novels, or even therapy books, say. __________________ *"Fierce <-> Reality"* oh god I am struggling today, help me to remember how to stay connected and human! remember: the nut shell against human predators and my own fear! |
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rdgrad15
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Magnate
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Magnate
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#16
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Magnate
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#17
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