Reflecting on my soon to be ex

Gymgirl71 · Apr 14, 2019, 07:54 AM

Been beating myself up but then I realize he was never good for me. I just realized we have nothing in common! Besides alcohol there is nothing. I need more from a relationship..at first, it was fun but now I feel like I’m enabling him and the only time he is Halle is when there’s a drink in his hand. He seemed to be into fitness and nutrition (he has all these supplements) so I THOUGHT we were on the same level. It’s not like he was going to say my hobbies Include hanging out with my buddies, listening to music and drinking until I pass out! He did start to do better for a short period and was not drinking a lot and working out and I saw a positive change in him. But it was short lived. I am going to find a man who is on the same level as me..after I am emotionally ready. One who has hobbies and is stable not only financially but emotionally. He text me this morning and he was having a drink 🥃 I was automatically turned off 🤢 no wonder he has problems with intimacy..I am not enabling him by accepting this sort of behavior. He wants to drink his life away go ahead. He won’t get far in life or get any quality woman to stick around. He’s 45 acting like he’s 21. He may be cool to hang out with but as a partner he sucks 👎👎👎👎👎

MickeyCheeky · Apr 14, 2019, 08:07 AM

Wisers words have never been spoke, Gymgirl71! I'm really happy that you're finally standing up for yourself and that you're starting to see him for who he truly is! You DESERVE MUCH BETTER than him and you WILL find someone else who is much better than him and who will truly accept you, love you and respect you for who you truly are! Just take GREAT care of yourself, ok? You DESERVE IT since you're getitng through all of this! Please NEVER give up HOPE! Try to HANG ON as much as you possibly CAN! Sending many hugs to you, Gymgirl71!

Gymgirl71 · Apr 14, 2019, 08:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Wisers words have never been spoke, Gymgirl71! I'm really happy that you're finally standing up for yourself and that you're starting to see him for who he truly is! You DESERVE MUCH BETTER than him and you WILL find someone else who is much better than him and who will truly accept you, love you and respect you for who you truly are! Just take GREAT care of yourself, ok? You DESERVE IT since you're getitng through all of this! Please NEVER give up HOPE! Try to HANG ON as much as you possibly CAN! Sending many hugs to you, Gymgirl71!

It took me a while to see the kind of person he really is . I can’t be around that. It’s no wonder he got defensive when I suggest we get out of the house instead of sitting around getting blasted

Apr 14, 2019, 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

It took me a while to see the kind of person he really is . I can’t be around that. It’s no wonder he got defensive when I suggest we get out of the house instead of sitting around getting blasted

Glad you finally see the light! He's a train-wreck and no woman is responsible for rehabbing ANY man; so it's not your job to enable him or encourage him or emotionally support him. He could care less what you think. Truly. He's selfish and self-obsessed and he probably uses emotionally vulnerable women intentionally to fuel his insecure ego.

I know a guy like your guy. He is an IT guy. He's my age. He has slept with a ton of women and he's a divorced dad of a college-aged daughter. He drinks as soon as he wakes up, and he drinks to put himself to sleep. He's drunk ALL THE TIME. He once sent me a flirty FB message at 3 a.m. with a bed-selfie of him lying in his bed DRUNK telling me he was attracted to me. GROSS. SO GROSS. I felt sorry for him. The next day, he texted me "Feel free to contact me anytime you want to hang out." Gee, NO THANKS LOSER.

There are more losers than you realize. But once you put yourself first, read up on the signs of verbal abuse and recognize red flags in general from dysfunctional men, you will suddenly be able to stop another bad connection from happening between yourself and a guy who belongs in Betty Ford, not in your bedroom.

It sucks being single. BUT, it's better to be lonely and heal and educate yourself and hang around with friends and enjoy your hobbies than invest and waste your emotional and physical energy on a guy who is bad news all around.

Gymgirl71 · Apr 14, 2019, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

Glad you finally see the light! He's a train-wreck and no woman is responsible for rehabbing ANY man; so it's not your job to enable him or encourage him or emotionally support him. He could care less what you think. Truly. He's selfish and self-obsessed and he probably uses emotionally vulnerable women intentionally to fuel his insecure ego.

I know a guy like your guy. He is an IT guy. He's my age. He has slept with a ton of women and he's a divorced dad of a college-aged daughter. He drinks as soon as he wakes up, and he drinks to put himself to sleep. He's drunk ALL THE TIME. He once sent me a flirty FB message at 3 a.m. with a bed-selfie of him lying in his bed DRUNK telling me he was attracted to me. GROSS. SO GROSS. I felt sorry for him. The next day, he texted me "Feel free to contact me anytime you want to hang out." Gee, NO THANKS LOSER.

There are more losers than you realize. But once you put yourself first, read up on the signs of verbal abuse and recognize red flags in general from dysfunctional men, you will suddenly be able to stop another bad connection from happening between yourself and a guy who belongs in Betty Ford, not in your bedroom.

It sucks being single. BUT, it's better to be lonely and heal and educate yourself and hang around with friends and enjoy your hobbies than invest and waste your emotional and physical energy on a guy who is bad news all around.

I prepared a text to send him tomorrow to break it off. I tried to call him but of course he has friends over so it was a bad time..it’s always a bad time. But I want him to be sober when he gets my text..

downandlonely · Apr 14, 2019, 03:18 PM

He does sound like a loser. Glad you are breaking it off. You deserve better.

Apr 14, 2019, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

I prepared a text to send him tomorrow to break it off. I tried to call him but of course he has friends over so it was a bad time..it’s always a bad time. But I want him to be sober when he gets my text..

So you're putting off sending him your break-up text to accommodate his social life with his drinking buddies? Gymgirl

don't enable him anymore.

Who cares if he's drunk or sober when he gets your text. If you would rather dump him face to face, do that but don't let him talk you out of it. Or, call him on the phone if you think that will make you feel better.

Good luck!

Gymgirl71 · Apr 14, 2019, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

So you're putting off sending him your break-up text to accommodate his social life with his drinking buddies? Gymgirl

don't enable him anymore.

Who cares if he's drunk or sober when he gets your text. If you would rather dump him face to face, do that but don't let him talk you out of it. Or, call him on the phone if you think that will make you feel better.

Good luck!

It’s not that..it’s that he blacks out and I want him to be coherent. My therapist said to just ghost him but I think I should just be direct and tell him it’s over..

Apr 14, 2019, 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

It’s not that..it’s that he blacks out and I want him to be coherent. My therapist said to just ghost him but I think I should just be direct and tell him it’s over..

Do whatever you need to do so that you can get closure from this. Good luck!

divine1966 · Apr 14, 2019, 06:33 PM

If he reads your text drunk then he will reread it sober. It’s not your job to wait for him to sober up. I normally am not in support of ghosting but in this case it’s a valid option too

Gymgirl71 · Apr 14, 2019, 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

If he reads your text drunk then he will reread it sober. It’s not your job to wait for him to sober up. I normally am not in support of ghosting but in this case it’s a valid option too

Ghosting? Why?

Open Eyes · Apr 14, 2019, 10:56 PM

Try to look at this individual you are leaving and a person who needs to heal and he feels broken and needs help. He hurts himself more than anyone else in this so wish him well and leave him to work on his healing, hopefully he will continue seeing a therapist.

divine1966 · Apr 15, 2019, 05:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

Ghosting? Why?

Your therapist suggested that so I agreed it might be ok. Normally ghosting is wrong but not here.

It doesn’t sound like relationship is still going on. He told you he doesn’t feel the same and he distanced himself, it is a sign that he is bailing out. He is in your area but doesn’t see you. The only way you saw him is going to his house once a week and watch him being passed out drunk.

It’s not like this guy comes gets you for dates and constantly calls you and already purchased tickets fir a show or a trip and have dates planned and is commited to you but you will ghost him. That would be wrong.

But there is really not much going on between you two. You want to inform him that relationship is over but it’s already pretty much over. So it would be ok to just go on with your life

Gymgirl71 · Apr 15, 2019, 05:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Try to look at this individual you are leaving and a person who needs to heal and he feels broken and needs help. He hurts himself more than anyone else in this so wish him well and leave him to work on his healing, hopefully he will continue seeing a therapist.

Well that’s his problem. I didn’t ask for a broken partner. I know at the very least I can’t stay with an alcoholic partner. I am only enabling his behavior and showing him it’s acceptable.

divine1966 · Apr 15, 2019, 07:03 AM

That’s how process of dating is. You meet a person and hopefully within few dates or at least few months you see if it’s long term potential or the person is not a suitable partner. If he isn’t right partner, you move on. You did well. Didn’t waste years or whole life on misery. Few months and he shows true colors and you are done. Smart.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist, you can work on how to not attract these unhealthy men and how to maybe spot red flags sooner.

No you aren’t obligated to date anyone who doesn’t fit your standards. And you aren’t obligated to stay with everyone you meet. And don’t worry about age and having to hurry up. Better wait than settle. Heck Hellen Miren got married at 52, first time. Ha if it’s ok for her to wait longer to meet right people than it’s ok for everyone else too lol

Gymgirl71 · Apr 15, 2019, 08:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

That’s how process of dating is. You meet a person and hopefully within few dates or at least few months you see if it’s long term potential or the person is not a suitable partner. If he isn’t right partner, you move on. You did well. Didn’t waste years or whole life on misery. Few months and he shows true colors and you are done. Smart.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist, you can work on how to not attract these unhealthy men and how to maybe spot red flags sooner.

No you aren’t obligated to date anyone who doesn’t fit your standards. And you aren’t obligated to stay with everyone you meet. And don’t worry about age and having to hurry up. Better wait than settle. Heck Hellen Miren got married at 52, first time. Ha if it’s ok for her to wait longer to meet right people than it’s ok for everyone else too lol

We broke up but it wasn’t the way I wanted things to end, so would have been better to ghost...I tried to have a mature conversation and he lashed out so it went downhill..I know he drank too much last night, was running late for work etc, but I told him he has a drinking problem after we broke. At that point, I was like f it I have nothing to lose and I am done being nice and taking his abuse.

divine1966 · Apr 15, 2019, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

We broke up but it wasn’t the way I wanted things to end, so would have been better to ghost...I tried to have a mature conversation and he lashed out so it went downhill..I know he drank too much last night, was running late for work etc, but I told him he has a drinking problem after we broke. At that point, I was like f it I have nothing to lose and I am done being nice and taking his abuse.

No need to talk to him anymore. His issues aren’t your problem at all. Block him.

Gymgirl71 · Apr 15, 2019, 09:43 AM

Yes that’s the next step.

Apr 15, 2019, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

No need to talk to him anymore. His issues aren’t your problem at all. Block him.

^^^^ This is your next step, Gymgirl. Do not talk to him. Do not contact him. Be strong! You deserve better!

Gymgirl71 · Apr 15, 2019, 11:27 AM

I’m trying my best..I just feel so bothered by his behavior..I want to tell him off but it’s not like he will care or respond. If anything it gives him an ego boost to see me doing that

Apr 15, 2019, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

I’m trying my best..I just feel so bothered by his behavior..I want to tell him off but it’s not like he will care or respond. If anything it gives him an ego boost to see me doing that

The hard part is trying not to give in to your urges to reason with him now, because you invested 3 months of your life with this guy. I understand. Believe me.

This may help you; write him an email and don't censure yourself AT ALL. When you're done, put it in your draft folder but don't send it. Anytime you want to contact him, go back and read that email where you released all of your anger and resentment and sadness and every emotion you feel. Then, when you're ready, delete it.

Open Eyes · Apr 15, 2019, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

I’m trying my best..I just feel so bothered by his behavior..I want to tell him off but it’s not like he will care or respond. If anything it gives him an ego boost to see me doing that

Gymgirl, don't put your effort into telling him off. He is a broken hurting person and that won't help you or him. Just wish him well and walk away, he is clearly already hurting and doesn't need any more. Be merciful and just walk away and pray he gets help, he is going to really need it.

Apr 15, 2019, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Gymgirl, don't put your effort into telling him off. He is a broken hurting person and that won't help you or him. Just wish him well and walk away, he is clearly already hurting and doesn't need any more. Be merciful and just walk away and pray he gets help, he is going to really need it.

This is excellent advice! Peace wherever possible is always best for all concerned. Beautifully put, Open Eyes!

Gymgirl71 · Apr 15, 2019, 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Gymgirl, don't put your effort into telling him off. He is a broken hurting person and that won't help you or him. Just wish him well and walk away, he is clearly already hurting and doesn't need any more. Be merciful and just walk away and pray he gets help, he is going to really need it.

Your right..I guess I was hurting so I wanted to hurt him too..