Can someone tell me what this is. I dont know what I'm dealing with.
So my mum is incredibly dismissive to me.
What is odd she is not dismissive to my sister she would listen to my sister hours and hours on end about her work or her boyfriend.
If I sat anything she does not want to listen. My sister copies the same behavior as my mum. In the sense doesnt want to hear what you have to say or ignores you. Another example is both of them are incredibly angry or out burst individuals.
So for example one time my sister was cleaning the kitchen with dad. I was sitting on the sofa with my head phones on playing a game on my phone. I was unaware my sister was cleaning the kitchen. Then I decided to dry my hair ,because I had a shower. Anyway I went to dry my hair in the kitchen cause there is a mirror. (There is no plug in the bathroom and my bedroom is small) so as I was about to dry my hair I waited for my sister to finish cleaning the kitchen so I wont get in her way. I did felt a tad anxious of her. Then she asked me "what is it?" And I said "oh I'm going to dry my hair". When she asked it was in a angry tone. So I went a head and as I was about to dry my hair my sister asked "why didnt you help to clean the kitchen when I'm sick".? She didnt looked at me when she asked. She just looked at the sink as she was cleaning. I felt threaten and afraid so I didnt know what else to say. If I said anything she would respond angrily. So I said "I was wearing head phones". I then started drying my hair. Then SUDDENLY! she switch off the switch of the wall and hit me with a tea towel and told me that "cause you dont care" and she ran to her bedroom. She then complained loudly to her boyfriend. So I went to call my partner and as I walked to my bedroom my sister yelled at me saying "Yes go and talk to your partner because your always right". I just called him because I was genuinely upset and shocked what happened.
Eventually she cried I dont know why because I just stay in my bedroom and ran to mum.
I stay in my bedroom for 4 hours until everyone went to bed that I felt safe to get some food from kitchen.

another quick example be like I be talking to mum and she would randomly grab her phone and stare at it and ignore me when I'm talking to her.
Then you stop talking and she doesnt even notice. I even messager her on her phone "um, I'm talking to you" but she ignored me.
I have experience this behavior when I went to therapy and I was at the waiting room waiting for my individual therapist. Then a person I know from group therapy said hi to me and have a conversation and out of the blue. They just randomly go to their phone and the conversation is cut. It's not say a gradual ending the conversation.

My mum drinks a lot too now since she has a new job as manager of this library. She drinks wine everyday after work.

Yeah I know I need to move out. But I dont have money to move out. I haven't worked for 4 years because I been working on my mental health. The 2 years were wasted on student therapist that mucked me around and made my mental health worse. To the point I had increased suicidal thoughts and attempts. It even dropped my immunity so I constantly got sick and keep having this skin rash. Due to high anxiety that therapy was causing me.
So it took a year to reverse the damaged that the pervious therapist did. So been really hard. I want o move out.

[Raging Quiet]

Didn’t want to read and run.

I’m so sorry your family dynamics sounds really challenging. Do your family know you’ve struggled with your mental health? Some families lack the capacity to be supportive.

It sounds like moving out if your goal, is there a careers advisor linked to your education (at your School, College or Uni) that could help you in your job search?

[hvert]

I don't know what to call that, but I hope you get to move out soon. It doesn't sound like a fun living situation at all

Originally Posted by TeaFruit

Can someone tell me what this is. I dont know what I'm dealing with. So my mum is incredibly dismissive to me.

I can tell you b/c I was in your situation -- stuck at home, unemployed for about 6 years (the first time, before I had to move back 25 years later recently).

Your mom's mistreatment of you will never change. The only person we can change is ourselves and the way we react to really toxic people. In your case, since you are stuck at home with your mother, unable to work, I would seek out ways to get yourself out of the house. Go to free community events (free movies in the park, free museum events, etc., free concerts) in your city. Volunteer somewhere close enough on a convenient bus route that you can walk to and from your house. Go for walks. Listen to music. Write. Paint. Take pictures with your phone. Do something creative to distract yourself while you formulate a plan to move out and get a job.

Unfortunately your choices are limited right now. I know all about the panic attacks causing hives. I have that condition too.

Just ignore your mother. The less interaction you have with her, the better off you'll be. Just create the boundary of: I will only talk to my mother about the essentials of living together which are groceries, her work schedule, my schedule and that's it.

Separate yourself from her. Seek out alternative sources of emotional support where you can. Be it a community center, a free-walk in therapy counseling center. Here on PC. A phone support line. But do NOT rely on your dismissive mother for any emotional support.

I empathize with you 100% b/c I was in your shoes. And still am 26 years later unfortunately due to my own foolish choices. I lived with my mother for 6 years in my 20s, and now again, for almost a year in my late 40s. Very unpleasant but quite necessary due to my financial straits.

Try the suggestions I've listed. Set interpersonal boundaries with her. Do NOT seek her emotional support since she is so dismissive of your feelings already.

Make yourself a priority and take small steps to get yourself out of your house, away from your mother, albeit temporarily until you can get income from a job and find a way to move out.

Create a list. Create a timeline. Give yourself goals to follow and check them off one at a time. It will keep you distracted from her dismissive behavior, and keep you focused on creating a fulfilling life for yourself away from her.

In my experience and from what I’ve observed in the experience of others... families usually don’t change the way they treat you. The change you want in life comes from you. I wish I had understood and accepted this about 20 years ago.