[aimlesshiker]

Hello, everyone,

Hoping to get some advice on how to live life post-break-up. One of the reasons for my break-up was to "find myself again," to not automatically include thoughts of my ex in daily life, and to heal myself from all the stuff I've tolerated the past few years.

Although my ex and I are still friendly, I've been trying to figure out how much time I really want to spend with him, going forward.

I am not mad or bitter towards my ex, but I do seem to relate to this song quite a bit:

One of my ideas is to make a playlist full of songs that I have NO association with my ex. It's also been nice to watch TV on my own, which is something we used to do together all the time.

Please share your ideas on activities I could do to try and move on, songs you think might help, etc. I'm hoping this thread can be a resource for others who are struggling with the same thing.

Songs just make me think of people or times in my life.

I am not planning to leave my husband but if something ever happened to him, I would sell the house and move away from the town we have lived in for the past 26 years. Living in the same place would be painful from my POV.

In the case of other people who were once important to me--moving far away (either they moved or I did) did eventually make me think of them less. The trick is to have no access to them.

Your feelings will just have to run their course but try to see your ex as little as possible and don't read old letters or look at old photographs. Do new things. However, there are some people in our life we never forget. We can't take things back. Hugs.

Hey but if you want to wallow in how bad it was, how about this lyric: "You make me sick to my stomach
I might throw up in a bucket"

Elohim - Buckets lyrics

[s4ndm4n2006]

Well first of all the premise is faulty. Asking yourself how not to focus on your ex and move on is asking the wrong question. It automatically frames everything on the basis of what won't remind you of him and therefore keeps him in the forefront of your mind. It's not conducive to being able to move on, and forget. Also Idk why you're still friends but apparently your thinking about him a lot is a problem so I have to say regardless of how you feel about it, being in contact with him will also keep him in the forefront of you mind.

So my suggestion is to shift your thinking to what you stated already and that is to focus on finding yourself, your path and become independent. Instead of asking how not to focus on things that will remind you of what you had, ask yourself what it is you can focus on now that you're single and what would you really like to do for YOU? Frame all your activities on what you'd like to do, be and strive for and your brain has a funny way of making things happen. It is your slave in the sense that if you ask it the right questions it's sole job is to answer them.

hope that makes sense

[aimlesshiker]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Well first of all the premise is faulty. Asking yourself how not to focus on your ex and move on is asking the wrong question. It automatically frames everything on the basis of what won't remind you of him and therefore keeps him in the forefront of your mind. It's not conducive to being able to move on, and forget. Also Idk why you're still friends but apparently your thinking about him a lot is a problem so I have to say regardless of how you feel about it, being in contact with him will also keep him in the forefront of you mind.

So my suggestion is to shift your thinking to what you stated already and that is to focus on finding yourself, your path and become independent. Instead of asking how not to focus on things that will remind you of what you had, ask yourself what it is you can focus on now that you're single and what would you really like to do for YOU? Frame all your activities on what you'd like to do, be and strive for and your brain has a funny way of making things happen. It is your slave in the sense that if you ask it the right questions it's sole job is to answer them.

hope that makes sense

It does, thank you for the perspective. In fact, after I posted this I realized "forgetting and just moving on" isn't quite what I was going for, but rather that "just being myself" notion that you reiterated.

As to why we're still friends, it's complicated. Honestly things would have moved a lot faster for me, but we were living together and thus still in the process of sorting out our belongings. It also took him a long time to find a place to move into, and life just kept getting in the way... I think that's why the past few weeks have been so hard for me. I was expecting our interactions to end right away, but they sort of lingered (and still are). There was some codependency (mostly him depending on me) and issues with insecurity in our relationship, so I'm also trying to be mindful of that so I don't hurt anyone (I realize it's not my responsibility to make him happy, especially now, but I'm just keeping that in mind as a kind human being, you know?).

[Bill3]

In my view the quickest way to move on from someone is to go no contact.

This won’t make you actually forget, but in my opinion it is the quickest way to get free of feelings and entanglements so as to move on.

If no contact forever seems like too much, you could go no contact for, say, six months and then see where you are at that time.

[Chyialee]

Bill's way works for some folks, and wuite well -- but for those of us who could not do that for various logistic/family reasons, it can help VERY much to look at one's interactions with former-S.O. and decide what added value, or detriment, they seem to be bringing into your life overall. Limiting the amount of access you and S.O. have/amount of contact and presence in each other's PERSONAL life, is pretty much always helpful, imo -- for as long as that's needed.

Meanstwhile: Get busy living your own life and discovering your own goals and finding your own bliss ! and give yourself time. I had to tell myself "OK -- however I feel about this today is all right. I won't try for impossible standards of perfection/moving on . TOmorrow will be different." And if you knew me and what a total perfectionist and FIXER I am, you would realize how difficult that was and what a HUGE step! lol

Very best to you, and huge encouragement. Leaving old emotional connections behind is a Process, NOT an EVENT!

Best,
Chyia, BTDT Brigade

Agree with Bill and Sandman. You can't forget the person you were in a relationship with. No one ever does. But you can reset your boundaries by stopping contact with him -- no excuses or justifications for it either. The only way to reset is to stop communicating altogether.

The only realistic action you can take, is to stop contacting him, and just resume your life without him and adjust to being single again. Doesn't matter what activities you do, as long as you do them without including him.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, aimlesshiker! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of kid, great, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can! I completely agree with what all the others have already wisely said about cutting off as much contact with as you possibly can! I feel like that's the BEST thing you can do for yourself if you want to forget him as son as you can! If you can't cut off ALL contacts with him, at the very least try to severly reduce it as much as you possibly CAN! Most importantly focus on YOURSELF and on wha YOU like to do and WANT to do with your life! I feel like that's VERY important! Focus on YOURSELF and take GREAT care of yourself! Listening to music and watching some TV is also a great idea to distract yourself in my opinion! Anything that may help you distract you and focus on anything else! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME! Let me know if there's ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL that we can do to HELP YOU OUT! Just let us know and mention it and we'll ALL do EVERYTHING WE CAN and we'll ALL try our BEST to HELP YOU OUT! I PROMISE YOU THAT! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! WISH YOU GOOD! LET US KNOW HOW IT GOES! Sending many hugs to you, aimlesshiker!

[WishfulThinker66]

I completely reorganized my life - including my routine. Part of my own self discovery was the finding and forming of new hobbies and activities - things he was not very likely to set out to do himself. I formed new friendships and acquaintances that were outside what had been our circle of friends. I realized that many of them were not my friends anyway. So, even though my ex and I lived immediately after the breakup fairly close by we actually rarely crossed paths. I admit too, perhaps I am a bad person, but I looked at my successfully establishing a new life as a raised finger at his failure to do so. Yeah, I suppose I was quite vindictive. But I honestly say that as I did some of these activities I had a look-at-me-now mindset which felt incredibly good. It should be noted however, that part of the abuse had been telling me I could never do anything without him, I could never survive. So this is the reason it felt so good to do so.

Absolutely re-organizing your life, making new friends and pursuing hobbies that give you pleasure, that your ex-boyfriend tried to brainwash you to believe that you couldn't achieve those things without him in your life, is a raised middle finger to him. I think that is awesome!

Whatever you do, don't get into contact with him if something reminds you of him. Relapses (contacting the ex) can and do happen (I'm guilty of it, and regret it instantly when I've done it).

I think the ways we choose to get over each ex-partner can vary. It really depends on what your interests are, what your finances are, and what your social networks are. Keep doing what you're doing to reset your boundaries and fulfill your life again with fun activities, new friends and new experiences. Before you know it, your ex will become a distant memory. Congrats on getting away from him and his abuse.

[aimlesshiker]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

I completely reorganized my life - including my routine. Part of my own self discovery was the finding and forming of new hobbies and activities - things he was not very likely to set out to do himself. I formed new friendships and acquaintances that were outside what had been our circle of friends. I realized that many of them were not my friends anyway. So, even though my ex and I lived immediately after the breakup fairly close by we actually rarely crossed paths. I admit too, perhaps I am a bad person, but I looked at my successfully establishing a new life as a raised finger at his failure to do so. Yeah, I suppose I was quite vindictive. But I honestly say that as I did some of these activities I had a look-at-me-now mindset which felt incredibly good. It should be noted however, that part of the abuse had been telling me I could never do anything without him, I could never survive. So this is the reason it felt so good to do so.

In situations like this, it's totally ok to be vindictive! I think part of the post break-up process (sometimes) involves those cathartic, vindictive actions that help "release" you from the past. Especially if that person didn't treat you well. I'm happy to hear you were able to forge your own path without relying on him.

Whatever you do, don't get into contact with him if something reminds you of him. Relapses (contacting the ex) can and do happen (I'm guilty of it, and regret it instantly when I've done it).

What's interesting is that I have NO interest in getting back with him. I tried "taking a break" from him last year, we got back together, and things still didn't work out. We're compatible, sure, but I'm not in love with him, not at all. I also want to try dating other people; I'm still so young!
He expressed yesterday that he would like to "try again" later, after we've had some time apart, just because it seems he's still in love with me.

Fortunately we do not really have a ton of mutual friends, and I think avoid him, both in person and via text, will be easy. Of course I want immediate results, but this will take some time...

I am planning some camping trips with friends over the next few months, and those always help "recharge" me. However I find myself not getting enthused about things I used to: art, music, hiking, travel. I think it's a mix of depression and anxiety, and those have hindered my ability to move on and enjoy myself. Again, with time...

[aimlesshiker]

Originally Posted by Chyialee

Meanstwhile: Get busy living your own life and discovering your own goals and finding your own bliss ! and give yourself time. I had to tell myself "OK -- however I feel about this today is all right. I won't try for impossible standards of perfection/moving on . TOmorrow will be different." And if you knew me and what a total perfectionist and FIXER I am, you would realize how difficult that was and what a HUGE step! lol

Very best to you, and huge encouragement. Leaving old emotional connections behind is a Process, NOT an EVENT!

Best,
Chyia, BTDT Brigade

Thank you, Chyia . I can be perfectionist, too. I think that's another reason I find myself depressed: Because I'm not 100% where I want to be in life. But I like your approach, taking it day by day. And there will be good days, and there will be crappy ones, but I guess it's just accepting that they happen and try not to dwell on those too much.