[JustJenny]

I was struggling with anxiety and depression for some years. Now I fond a job that really makes me happy, I feel the least pain I have felt in years. But there is a catch - I have developed strange feelings for my boss. He is older, we are both married and I never intended to act on any of it. We have met each other's spouses, all nice people. I realise now that I must have had the crush on him for some months already, just in the beginning I couldn't really tell what I was feeling. Could have been a crush from first sight, who knows. Anyhow, I tried to suppress my thoughts, but they kept on coming. So I decided to let the crush run its course, hoping that I will just get over it. And run its course it did. I got to the point where my behaviour changed subconsciously and I cannot control it. It's pretty awful. Upon encounter, I start smiling uncontrollably, showing as many teeth as I can. And I laugh far too much. Nervous laugh really, probably accompanied by blushing. And then he smirks for some reason. He smirks and I laugh. And there we are, having a normal adult conversation while our body language is minding its own business. Oh, and the things I say, I just keep on blabbing. I was hired for being competent, not stupid. Oh dear!

I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I am quite embarrassed about this. I am afraid that as some point he will ask me what is happening to me. Or he might have figured it out already, he's smart. Quitting the job is definitely not an option, I like it too much. Any tips on how not to embarrass myself any further? I am in my 30s by the way, but I am acting like a girl in her early teens. Sigh...

[mote.of.soul]

Hello. Haha, yes, the heart seems to go off on it's own tangents half the time. Been there done that myself, it's nuts. I don't have any real solid advice but can you keep on reminding yourself, everytime you see him, or whenever you're at work, keep reminding yourself that he's married, that his relationship to his wife is of the utmost importance and that you don't want to jeopardize that - I'm not saying you are jeopardizing that, but it might be a good way to begin putting up a mental boundary between the two of you. Give it a try and see how you go.

I agree with the above -- I would also add to keep your own husband in mind and his feelings. How would you feel if your husband behaved that way around another female? Would you feel hurt and betrayed or would it not matter to you?

[JustJenny]

I do think about the spouses, I wouldn't want to hurt anyone. I cannot control what goes on in my head, especially the unconscious part.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I agree with the above -- I would also add to keep your own husband in mind and his feelings. How would you feel if your husband behaved that way around another female? Would you feel hurt and betrayed or would it not matter to you?

Actually, now that I am going through this, I would be more understanding if my husband fell for another woman. I would definitely not like that and I would feel hurt, but if it happened unintentionally... I really did not plan or aim for developing feelings for another man, but here I am.

I do feel like I am betraying my husband little bit, not physically of course. I do believe it would hurt him a lot if he found out what is happening to me.

Originally Posted by JustJenny

I do think about the spouses, I wouldn't want to hurt anyone. I cannot control what goes on in my head, especially the unconscious part.

Actually, now that I am going through this, I would be more understanding if my husband fell for another woman. I would definitely not like that and I would feel hurt, but if it happened unintentionally... I really did not plan or aim for developing feelings for another man, but here I am.

I do feel like I am betraying my husband little bit, not physically of course. I do believe it would hurt him a lot if he found out what is happening to me.

But you can control how you behave around this man. It's not as though you have no control over your own behavior. No need to allow yourself to act like a school girl around him. If your husband would be hurt, and so would you if he did the same, even if you understood it, well, actions, and reactions to people, can be reigned in.

There is always the possibility of meeting someone new who strikes your interest, attention or attraction. It's how we respond to that which matters the most. If you wouldn't like it if your husband did this, then think about his feelings whenever you are around this man.

[divine1966]

I’d say that typically people in happy relationships don’t develop infatuation for random people. More often than not it happens when something is off or unsatusfying or worrisome in your primary relationship. I’d take focus of this man and look into what’s going on in your marriage?

[healingme4me]

I find, even in my early 40's and divorced for many years when I out of seemingly no where find myself with noticing having a crush, I pause and ask myself what's going on for me in the present. I'm not talking some quick notice of attraction I'm talking cannot get them off the mind type of crush.
After jotting down in my journal what's going on for me it typically boils down to feeling vulnerable in certain ways. Frustrated with various areas of my life, etc.
Then I try to find ways to keep myself mentally occupied.
I'm sure that it's not the same as the day in and day out experience that you are going through. At the same time, I do know what it's like to carry on with an emotional affair. And I remember how and why that began.

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

But you can control how you behave around this man. It's not as though you have no control over your own behavior. No need to allow yourself to act like a school girl around him. If your husband would be hurt, and so would you if he did the same, even if you understood it, well, actions, and reactions to people, can be reigned in.

I do control myself, I don’t do anything inappropriate, it is the stupid smile I cannot get off my face. It is almost like a reflex, the only thing I can do is to hide my mouth behind a coffee cup or something. I make an effort to think about something else, but the smile slips out anyway.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I’d say that typically people in happy relationships don’t develop infatuation for random people. More often than not it happens when something is off or unsatusfying or worrisome in your primary relationship. I’d take focus of this man and look into what’s going on in your marriage?

Most of the time I have been with my husband coincided with me being depressed and anxious (=unhappy). I am not saying that he made me unhappy, my job at that time was pretty awful.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I find, even in my early 40's and divorced for many years when I out of seemingly no where find myself with noticing having a crush, I pause and ask myself what's going on for me in the present. I'm not talking some quick notice of attraction I'm talking cannot get them off the mind type of crush.
After jotting down in my journal what's going on for me it typically boils down to feeling vulnerable in certain ways. Frustrated with various areas of my life, etc.
Then I try to find ways to keep myself mentally occupied.
I'm sure that it's not the same as the day in and day out experience that you are going through. At the same time, I do know what it's like to carry on with an emotional affair. And I remember how and why that began.

I am keeping a journal and I am starting to see patterns. My current boss is a good person, very understanding and we seem to connect as people. My previous boss was passive aggressive and abusive, he made me feel very bad about myself. I did feel vulnerable, now I feel I am regaining my strength and healing in a way. Everything would have been perfect if not these by-product feelings, I am afraid to ruin it all.

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

After jotting down in my journal what's going on for me it typically boils down to feeling vulnerable in certain ways. Frustrated with various areas of my life, etc.

I thought about this a lot. Some news came in from my previous job that would potentially affect my future career. Just hearing from those people gave me a panic attack. I started feeling very insecure and anxious, vulnerable. I feel like I need reassurance now, otherwise I will keep on dwelling on the bad feelings.

How do you deal with feeling vulnerable?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by JustJenny

I thought about this a lot. Some news came in from my previous job that would potentially affect my future career. Just hearing from those people gave me a panic attack. I started feeling very insecure and anxious, vulnerable. I feel like I need reassurance now, otherwise I will keep on dwelling on the bad feelings.

How do you deal with feeling vulnerable?

I was thinking in terms of romantic relationships. It's a matter, for me, of simply letting time and patience do its thing. I'm usually bouncing the notion of I've let them get close, now what?

How does your previous employer/employment affect your current employment and career? From the sounds of a panic attack, it doesn't sound like good news?

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

How does your previous employer/employment affect your current employment and career? From the sounds of a panic attack, it doesn't sound like good news?

I am working in academia. In this type of job, whatever you did in your previous step matters for your future career. For example, have a good CV is important for acquiring research funding. The news that gave me a panic attach suggested that I would have to keep collaborating with my previous boss for some more months. They treated me very poorly and I became very depressed because of that.

Now that I look back, it is almost funny how a job can have such a big impact on one's mental health. I was "normal" before, now all I need is a small trigger to go loco.

[WasabiAlmonds]

Maybe the problem is you're trying to fight it.

So you like your boss... no big deal. I would focus less on that and more on your relationship with your husband.

If you're driven to you boss because of problems at home, then I'd address those first then see how you feel about this crush.

[tnthomas]

Originally Posted by JustJenny

I was struggling with anxiety and depression for some years. Now I fond a job that really makes me happy, I feel the least pain I have felt in years. But there is a catch - I have developed strange feelings for my boss. He is older, we are both married and I never intended to act on any of it. We have met each other's spouses, all nice people. I realise now that I must have had the crush on him for some months already, just in the beginning I couldn't really tell what I was feeling. Could have been a crush from first sight, who knows. Anyhow, I tried to suppress my thoughts, but they kept on coming. So I decided to let the crush run its course, hoping that I will just get over it. And run its course it did. I got to the point where my behaviour changed subconsciously and I cannot control it. It's pretty awful. Upon encounter, I start smiling uncontrollably, showing as many teeth as I can. And I laugh far too much. Nervous laugh really, probably accompanied by blushing. And then he smirks for some reason. He smirks and I laugh. And there we are, having a normal adult conversation while our body language is minding its own business. Oh, and the things I say, I just keep on blabbing. I was hired for being competent, not stupid. Oh dear!

I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I am quite embarrassed about this. I am afraid that as some point he will ask me what is happening to me. Or he might have figured it out already, he's smart. Quitting the job is definitely not an option, I like it too much. Any tips on how not to embarrass myself any further? I am in my 30s by the way, but I am acting like a girl in her early teens. Sigh...

@JustJenny,

I feel your pain, I am male and in my 60s and like you am struggling with this type of unwanted emotional rollercoaster. I love my wife and would not be unfaithful, however my feelings for this other lady is so difficult to cope with.
Google "Lemerance" and find the Wikipedia article, which points to the possibility of a serotonin deficiency, which [for me] at age 67 is a viable explanation.

My "object" is a lady from whom we adopted a rescue dog, and attends the same fitness center. I enjoy seeing her and talking to her, but I constantly aim to moderate my intended behavior so as to insure an appropriate distance and adherence to acceptable boundaries.

As mentioned, the emotional roller coaster is unpleasant and unwanted, the only real desire I have is to remain "just friends".