Is it okay to date someone you aren't attracted to?

You've got to be wary of encouraging this other person to have feelings for you that will not be reciprocated. Eventually, your S.O. will want sex, don't you think? It's hard to have sexual intimacy with someone you feel unattracted to.

But it sounds like you've tried to be fairly honest with this other person. Still, I'll bet the two of you have different long-term expectations. That's apt to lead to somebody getting hurt.

When we discuss the future, we seem to have the same plan. We want the same things (sex being the outlier). But I am attracted to my S/O. I'm attracted to them emotionally, romantically, and intimately; however I don't find their appearance attractive (I don't think they're unattractive, but physically, they aren't my type) and I don't experience sexual attraction.

Currently, my S/O says they're fine if we don't have sex, but I'm aware that can change. For now, I'll just discuss things with them further.

I would encourage you to not give up on seeking out someone who is "your type."

Are you sure this person is the gender that you really want?

I'm attracted to people regardless of gender but I lean towards males. And the person I'm dating is male. I only used gender-neutral pronouns so there wouldn't be any gender bias in people's responses. I guess that was kind of pointless though since people just assumed a gender on their own.

Also, I'm very picky about what my type is, so it's probably unrealistic to look for someone who fits it. My standards for aesthetics are (too) high, but I'm trying not to be hyperaware of appearances as it makes me feel judgy. It's something I'm working on, but as I said, I don't find my S/O ugly or unattractive at all. He's objectively decent looking (and above average in my opinion). I'm just not attracted by his looks. I like him for everything else.

I think that's an interesting approach to getting feedback - your not specifying genders of either yourself or your S/O. I suppose that does force responders to think differently than if they had that info. It probably does screen out some unhelpful assumptions that people are inclined to make. I take it that was your purpose.

On the other hand, we can sometimes be poor judges of what our issues really are. I have a sense, following your thread, that what you are specifically asking about may be somewhat beside the point in regards to what is actually gnawing away at you. It's up to you to decide how much you care to reveal and what degree of trust you feel in this social media venue. (People sometimes get their trust betrayed in any venue.) But, at some time in the future, you might want to experiment with a different approach - where you peel back some of that shroud of mystery and kind of "put your cards on the table." It's a risk, and you might regret it. But you might get some unexpected insights that haven't occurred to you. Something's bugging you, and I don't think this thread is doing much other than dancing around whatever that may be.

Let me emphasize that I fully support you being the judge of what you're comfortable with and what you wish to share. But are you really finding out anything here that you don't already know?

You sound and write like a person who is intelligent and capable of reflection. If someone asked you the question you put at the top of this thread, what would you say? Wouldn't you say, "Well, it depends on a number of things." You sound young, but mature enough to have developed your basic moral compass. I don't think you need anyone to explain to you that it is wrong to emotionally mislead another person, or to exploit another person by accepting more affection from that person than you have any ability to give back. So I am left wondering what it is that really perplexes you?

The short answer to the question at the top of the thread is: "No. It's not automatically wrong." But I think you know that. What would be wrong is to exploit someone's trust. It is wrong to use people for one's own emotional satisfaction, or for temporary security against being alone. I think you probably know that too. I'm inviting you to clarify the issue - if not to us, then at least to yourself.

Yeah, I didn't mention gender because I'm aware that there are stereotypes which could sway people's answers. I just wanted a general answer that could apply to anyone.

Everything I've left out was deemed unimportant by me (eg. gender, age, sexuality), but I haven't left anything out due to a lack of trust. I mostly started this thread out of curiosity and caution. Since this is my first time dating, I'm unaware of the standards for what makes a good relationship. I had no idea if you needed to really like someone's appearance in order to date them. And in regards to sex (and my sexuality)... that wasn't really what I was inquiring about here. People just began asking questions and it came up; however, my original question was always referring to my S/O's appearance. I definitely could've worded things better.

I have only grown up seeing unhealthy relationships, so I have nothing in my life to go off of when it comes to this stuff. Reading the advice I received was very useful for me.

Interesting post Mattdadd. As I said before, I have dated more than one person that I didn't find particularly handsome or physically attractive. But I did find their humor and personality very appealing and that led to sexual attraction over time. And I'm fairly sure that at least one person (if not more?) dated me while not physically attracted to me but we had a connection. I would not offer up a piece of info like that; nor would I ask. Telling them just sounds like it would cause unnecessary hurt. I don't see the value in telling someone that you don't find him handsome if in fact you are attracted to him in other ways. If there's zero attraction at all in any way, then I've said something like: "I had a wonderful time meeting you. I don't see this developing and I wish you all the best!" I don't comment on their looks.

I don't know if I'm explaining clearly but that's some of my experience. Also, I will admit my own personal bias that I am slightly suspicious of terribly handsome men and have no desire to date one. Sometimes they appear all too aware of their great looks and think a bit too highly of themselves. Though I admit my bias there....by sheer probability there have got to be some devilishly handsome men out there with good down-to-earth character. Hugh Jackman perhaps? He is happily married to a woman significantly older than him who does not meet the Hollywood standards of "gorgeous." Jimmy Fallon would be another example. There! Just proved myself wrong! Haha.