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Legendary Wise Elder
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#21
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Now you are asking why these people not providing exact time knowing about the kid. They clearly don’t care about the kid or you, otherwise you’d be invited. They might not be telling your partner about the time frame because they are afraid you’ll show up. They for whatever reasons dislike you. But I’d take focus of them and focus on your own family. Personally I’d not go to a wedding where my husband isn’t welcome. If your guy chooses to go, take it up with him. You can’t control how these people do things. You can only control yourself |
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unaluna
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#22
I agree with divine1966 that it's unrealistic for you to expect your partner's friends to accommodate your autistic son's needs regarding the timed phone calls. My nephew is autistic and over the years whenever my sister or BIL were invited to a wedding, one of them always stayed behind with my nephew and neither of them resented the other one for going to the wedding without them.
You don't need to break up with your partner over this. I'd say, you have choices: 1. Make it a fun family weekend trip so your partner can go to the wedding. This supports your partner since it's his best friend, and you and your son can have fun doing something out of town. I don't know how severe your son's autism is. 2. You can stay home with your son, and ask someone to stay over the weekend to help you manage your son's separation anxiety. Make arrangements with your son's therapist or doctor to be on-call for you, should you need advice. Having a child with autism isn't easy. I know this, as an aunt to my nephew. I've watched my sister and BIL juggle social commitments over the years sometimes struggling with resenting each other, but always coming back together in love and support b/c of their shared love of my nephew. This weekend my BIL and his other son are on a fishing weekend, while my sister stays home with her autistic son who has the flu. I don't think you are the bad guy, Foreign_Soul, as long as you look for the compromise in every situation where everyone's needs get met somehow. In the case of your partner's friends' unwillingness to be straightforward with him about their wedding ceremony and reception time and venue information ahead of time, which is normally printed on the wedding invitations, I'd say discuss alternatives with your partner. You and your son could go with him and make it a fun family weekend trip, so you can still be together. Or, let your partner go, assure your son that his step-dad (your partner) will call him when he can, while he is away at the wedding, and set up activities with your autistic son to do, to address his separation anxiety. I think the real issue here is your autistic son's separation anxiety. The wedding presents a challenge b/c it takes away your partner from your son, so you are naturally worried how your son will handle being away from his step-dad. How have you handled their separation from each other in the past? Have they been apart before? What sort of things worked? Maybe use those sort of things again, for the wedding. Don't let this wedding break apart your family or cause any more distress. Try to find a way to work with the circumstances, so that both you, your son, and your partner will all be happy with the outcome. |
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Open Eyes, unaluna
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#23
I agree with points that streetcar makes but I see the issue that you aren’t invited to the wedding and your partner didn’t even have an option of +1. Your partner going to the wedding and you are staying behind because of your son it is one thing, but him going alone and you not going because you aren’t welcome there is very different.
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unaluna
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#24
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I'd been planning a holiday to this town before the friend announced their engagement but put it on hold when they told partner where they were getting married, with the intention of organising a weekend away for us all, regardless of whether son and I were invited, so we could "kill two birds with one stone". Only instead of giving partner dates they went ahead and organised partner's accommodation without ever speaking to partner first (they did not do this to anyone else). If partner had been given dates when everyone else was then we would be all going over and this wouldn't be an issue. Although partner would still need times because son wouldn't go to sleep until partner returned from the wedding, but that would be far easier than this. I don't have anyone so people staying isn't an option. We also don't have aides. It is only partner and I. We see two different paeds (one public, one private) and have recently finished our available sessions with OT. Unfortunately the system here sucks unless you can pay thousands out of pocket, which we can't. However, I also don't believe that autistics should always bend around others, especially if the accommodation an autistic needs doesn't actually cause another person any harm or difficulty, which this absolutely doesn't. Neither of us can wrap our heads around why they won't give him these details but have given out invitations to everyone else, which would HAVE to include times and venue/s. Partner actually said tonight that if this wasn't for their wedding he'd think he was being set up to be killed. He's going to try and speak to them both again tomorrow but he really shouldn't have to. Why on earth would you not tell your best man what time or where the ceremony and reception were? I just keep hoping this friend is just being forgetful, but the response really doesn't sound like it. 😣 __________________ Curiosity didn't kill the cat, the cat killed curiosity. |
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#25
Then, I think the easiest solution here is to just stay home with your son, plan some activities with him and reassure him that your partner will call your son when he can, while he is away at his best friend's wedding.
To expect your partner's friends or your partner to accommodate your autistic son is unrealistic and not helpful to your son. Your partner can't control his friends' choices and it is not his wedding or your wedding. So, to blame your partner for his friend's behavior isn't fair to your partner. Just let your partner go to his friend's wedding, and plan activities with your son around your partner's absence, and let your partner call your son when he can. There isn't really anything you can do to make your partner or his friends accommodate your son's separation anxiety. You need to figure this one out yourself. Your focus should be on how to accommodate your son, not on why your partner's friends won't tell him specifics for the wedding venue and reception. At this point, who cares about the wedding ceremony time and reception time. Even if you knew these times, your son will still experience separation anxiety. So, that needs to be your focus. Not the wedding. But your son's response to being without his step-dad. How will you address it? Who is your back up, to help you, friend-wise, or family-wise, or neighbor-wise. Is there an emergency phone number you can call for help. I know you are stressed about being left alone to deal with your autistic son's separation anxiety. If you really don't want to be all alone, then tell your partner of 7 years that you need him to either stay with you and not attend the wedding, or help you find people who can stay with you over the weekend who will help you with your autistic son. |
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divine1966, unaluna
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#26
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What we are trying to do is exactly what we've done other times, it is what works, and it's what all professionals involved have said is the best course of action. Not having details (which, again, everyone else BUT my partner have) is going to cause serious issues. My son needs to know roughly what's happening, which isn't putting anyone out at all (again, same information every other invitee has). Not being able to give him this information causes him such severe anxiety that he has meltdowns, which puts both him and myself at serious risk, especially as son weighs only a few kgs less than me. It literally does not put these people out one freaking bit to tell partner what time their ceremony and reception are so we can make at least one time that doesn't interfere with that. I'm trying to work around them but without basic information I can't. Seriously, who plans their wedding and doesn't tell their best man what time it is?! __________________ Curiosity didn't kill the cat, the cat killed curiosity. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#27
Does the son go to school? Or is he homeschooled? I believe that people with disabilities need to be accommodated and their needs have to be addressed but at the same time children with disabilities should be taught strategies how to navigate this world when things aren’t 100% perfect.
It’s setting him for failures in life if everyone (including strangers who don’t even care about him) must always inform him of exact time frame of every single thing. I am speaking from experience. He needs to be slowly prepared that some things could be a bit flexible. “Dad will call you in the morning”. Telling him dad must call at 8am is setting him for failure because dad might have to go to the bathroom at 8am. Wedding ceremonies and receptions could be delayed. Exact time is not realistic |
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unaluna
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#28
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You can only control what you do and to extend you can control your family life. If your son becomes dangerous when he has meltdowns and your life is at risk then either professionals need to get involved and be in your house 24/7 or he needs to be taken in the hospital or your partner has to stay home. Your partner is choosing to go to this wedding without you and without even knowing any details. You don’t have high expectations of your partner but you put high expectations on these strangers who can’t care less about you. You know they won’t change because they treated you poorly for years. Last edited by divine1966; May 18, 2019 at 02:48 PM.. |
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unaluna
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#29
I agree with divine1966. You need to let go of having an exact time for your partner to call your son while he is away. Stop. That is not the real issue here. The real issue here is that you are refusing to go with the flow with your autistic son. My autistic nephew is forced to go with the flow b/c of his parents' and siblings' lives. It's taken him years to adapt but he has, and now he no longer punches, kicks, screams, or bites. But that is only because my sister and her husband and two children were patient and worked with my autistic nephew to show him how to adapt to stressful situations and circumstances. Have you tried to do that yet with your son? Autistic children NEED their caregivers to show them that skill. They need it. If they aren't given that skill, they will be harmed by the world, esp. the government system set up to benefit them. I am a staunch supporter of autistic people and I hate it when I read a caregiver's account such as yours, who refuses to be flexible for the sake of their autistic child. You can't control anyone but yourself. Stop this obsessing about this stupid wedding accommodating you. It's not going to happen. Stop berating your partner. Stop threatening him. It's not his fault what his friends do. Just stop it. He's not being selfish. He's been put in the middle by you, and is being manipulated BY YOU. Just stop it!
You are definitely setting up your son for more distress by putting such rigid expectations on your partner and your partner's friends to accommodate you. These people getting married are focused on themselves as they should be. Why should they accommodate you? So, they haven't been upfront with your partner about the ceremony and reception times. Again, stop obsessing about that and instead, focus on teaching your son how to adapt to change b/c when he gets older, if you don't teach him those adaptive skills, you are setting him up to fail. My autistic nephew used to be rigid and would have HUGE meltdowns until his family caregivers showed him how to adapt. Now, he at 16 he doesn't fly into rages anymore. He knows how to ask for help and he has buddies at school who help him in regular mainstream classrooms and teachers who help him and parents who compromise their rigid belief systems and routines to help my autistic nephew. This is your chance to stop being rigid and to work with the circumstances you've been thrown by these friends of your partners. Stop wasting time arguing about the stupid times and start problem solving how to deal with your son's separation anxiety that you've done before. Or you are setting yourself and your family system up for a totally un-necessary negative outcome b/c you refuse to let go of your rigid expectations which is causing you, your partner, and your son grief that doesn't need to be. |
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unaluna
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unaluna
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#30
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What helps my son is strong physical input- strong hugs, physically mucking around, jumping on a trampoline, swinging, all things I am physically unable to do or that we do not have the space for because we live in an apartment with no parks close by (they've been doing a huge rebuild for months now). Beyond that, what helps is giving him as much information as possible so that he knows what to expect and when. Given all physical options are out that only leaves routine. Do you think it's fun having to push to get basic information (again, information they've had no issue giving to others)? I WANT my partner to go to this wedding, it's his best friend! I HATE that we have no help or support and that that's making this whole damn thing incredibly difficult. I HATE that I even have to think about all of this but this I do. We've done as much work as we can around son's separation anxiety with me and he no longer has meltdowns when I'm out. Partner won't go and do things with his friends (he's frequently used son and I as an excuse to not catch up with friends) so we have no chance to work on his separation anxiety with partner, which means son still has meltdowns when separated from him. So I've got to wonder what exactly you think I should do that doesn't put myself and my son at risk? __________________ Curiosity didn't kill the cat, the cat killed curiosity. |
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#31
I'm sorry but I disagree with your perception that you've done as much work as you can around your son's separation anxiety. He's still young, so he can still learn. Your partner shouldn't be held prisoner in his own home, b/c you allow your son's rigidity to dictate both of your lives. Who does that help exactly? I'm not attacking you because I empathize with how helpless you both probably feel as adults with an autistic child. But you can't let your son dictate your lives. You have to be in control here. Not him.
Have you applied for a service dog for your son? A service dog can help him cope with separation anxiety. I'm just saying, there are resources out there -- no matter what country you live in -- for autistic support. It's just a matter of finding a way to get those resources that is the problem b/c its time-consuming, wading through loopholes, exceptions, and everything. You need to work on your son's separation anxiety with your partner and figure out how to do that, or your partner will forever be a prisoner in your home and how exactly is that fair to him? I typed "techniques to stop separation anxiety in autism" and a multitude of websites populated. So, you have resources online you can try. But you have to try. Not trying, is the worst thing you can do for your son, for your partner, and most of all for yourself and the health of your family overall. Your son needs to be taught coping skills with regards to separating from your partner. Whether its by you, your partner, or a third party. But those skills will help him later in his adult life, whatever that looks like. My nephew is almost 6ft 4 and he is barely verbal with his autism. But, he has been taught how to cope with separation from his siblings and his parents through verbal cues and different activities. For example, maybe giving your son gum to chew will calm him down. Maybe playing hide and seek with your partner will teach him about separation and that there is always a positive outcome. My point is, not to beat you up, but to urge you to open yourself up to exploring ALL the different methods that exist -- whether they come from autistic experts, or other parents of autistic children. You have to try something. Change is inevitable in life. Especially with autism. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#32
I totally understand your struggles. But none of it is these people’s fault. They aren’t obligated to provide anyone with anything.
They’ll drive your guy there and he’ll attend it and they’ll drive him back. It’s his choice to go. Either ask him to stay home or go with him (stay in a hotel) or let it go. If your son is in such a bad shape that he can’t function in these circumstances, wouldn’t government provide some services for him? Where are you at? |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#33
I see you are in Australia. I have never heard of both parents being caregivers. Are you both on disability? Would your partner get a job at some point? If yes how would your son handle it? Some jobs don’t allow phone calls and some are very unpredictable. Call kids doctor and say that you are at loss as these people don’t provide weddings time to you. They might have suggestions
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#34
I feel bad for you, that you feel so overwhelmed about your partner going to this friend's wedding. I don't know how old your autistic son is, or how violent he gets with regards to how he expresses his anxiety. I am on your side, OP. Believe it or not.
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#35
These people organizing the wedding are just being mean and rude. They seem to enjoy causing problems for people so stay completely away from them. If I were you, I would gladly not go. Not to the wedding or anywhere else with them. Personally I hate weddings anyway. And if I made fun plans of my own for that time frame, I might even tell my partner to find his own way there without the use of my car. Maybe you and your partner can work on developing a new set of friends? Invest your time and emotions in your own friendships.
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Foreign_Soul, unaluna
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#36
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Sorry you are struggling with this situation Foreign_Soul. You have a lot on your plate! I understand why you are feeling hurt. I think you are due for some smoother sailing in the future. I wish that for you, your other half, and your son. Feel free to PM me any time...I always have a hug to give or a friendly cheering up message. Peace and hope to you |
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Foreign_Soul, unaluna
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#37
Well the groom's sister took a photo of her invite and sent it to partner tonight (after these messages between him and bride) and the RSVP date was 2months ago!
This wasn't just a misunderstanding or forgetfulness. 😞 __________________ Curiosity didn't kill the cat, the cat killed curiosity. |
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Anonymous44076
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#38
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they don’t like you. I’d not bother with these people anymore |
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#39
How sad and strange. Sorry you are dealing with this.
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Foreign_Soul
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#40
Have you decided if you're going to let your partner go to his best friend's wedding?
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