How do I handle someone who wants to talk about problems on special occasions (such as during a co-worker's baby shower or company party) when I just want to enjoy the moment?

I know the best thing is not to be alone with that person, but what about the times I end up alone with her in a restroom, or when some people leave the table, or I walk to my car afterwards and she happens to have parked right next to me?

Should I say,

"Let's set up a separate time to talk about this" (but I wouldn't mean it because I don't have the emotional capacity right now to listen to her problems)

or

"I just want to enjoy the moment" (but that sounds really harsh towards someone who is overwhelmed and desperate to vent)

I don't want to be selfish when someone is dealing with problems, but I also really want to enjoy special occasions for what it is.

[Bill3]

You aren’t selfish.

Having problems does not give someone automatic precedence over everything else that is going on in the world.

“I can’t discuss that with you right now.” is completely appropriate I think.

“I just can’t discuss that with you.”

“I’m overwhelmed right now.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not the person for you.”

These are just some ideas. Repeat civilly and firmly as often as needed.

Get away from the isolation with the person promptly and firmly.

Firmness is key.

Originally Posted by Bill3

You aren’t selfish.

Having problems does not give someone automatic precedence over everything else that is going on in the world.

“I can’t discuss that with you right now.” is completely appropriate I think.

“I just can’t discuss that with you.”

“I’m overwhelmed right now.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not the person for you.”

These are just some ideas. Repeat civilly and firmly as often as needed.

Get away from the isolation with the person promptly and firmly.

Firmness is key.

Some other ideas...

"I wish I could chat with you but I'm at my limit for now"

"I am all done adulting! I just need some fun!"

"That sounds like something to discuss with someone much wiser than me"

"Are you open to chatting with a therapist...they could help better than I ever could"

"It's just too hectic on Planet Ennie right now...I can't talk about this"

"Let's make sure we don't pull focus from the lady/gent of the hour. I am so excited for this celebration!"

[QUOTE=Bill3;6541490]You aren’t selfish.

Having problems does not give someone automatic precedence over everything else that is going on in the world.

Thank you Bill3 and SilverTrees. I have to admit that I gave her a listening ear before even though I really wanted to walk away.

So how should I reply if she asks, "What's the sudden change all about? You've listened to me before"?

[QUOTE=SilverTrees;6541509]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You aren’t selfish.

Having problems does not give someone automatic precedence over everything else that is going on in the world.

True. We have a responsibility to seek therapy if we need help coping with our emotions.

Originally Posted by ennie

Thank you Bill3 and SilverTrees. I have to admit that I gave her a listening ear before even though I really wanted to walk away.

So how should I reply if she asks, "What's the sudden change all about? You've listened to me before"?

What about simply

"I listened before when I was able. I am no longer able to listen. There are folks with the right training to listen and guide accordingly. I lack such training and want you to have the right support."

[Bill3]

Ennie, remember my post about the guy who taught in a city school system for right years and then moved on?

I know of someone who anticipated burnout from teaching in an urban school district. He gave himself eight years in that line of work. After those eight years, he planned to move on. Which he did. He is at peace now, both with his current work and also with the knowledge of having made a significant contribution.

He made his contribution, he did what he could.

You could perhaps just say “I did what I could.”

[sarahsweets]

I call this ambushing. I hate when it happens. A lot of times it happens to people that have a professional career in something like medicine. We have a doctor in our family and I have seen people corner her to talk about health issues at family parties. I have been on the receiving end with people when we are celebrating something and they either pull me aside or stand real close to me and talk about a hot button topic in a low voice while I am trying to focus on something else. Its hard to deal with. In the past I would get totally wrapped up in it but I have found my feet in things and now I dont. I either say 'excuse me' and leave to go somewhere else or I tell them that I cant focus on their stuff in the midst of everything and tell them to give me a call/send me an email or whatever to discuss it at another time. Its not rude. Its more rude to discuss stuff like that at the expense of the person you are there for or to disinclude other people from your personal conversation IMO.

[MickeyCheeky]

I have nothing more to add to what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could, ennie! You're not selfish for taking care of yourself! Just be honest and tell them that perhaps that just isn't the right time to talk about such things or that you don't feel qualified enough to give an appropriate reply! I feel like that should work! It's straight to the point! Be kind but firm! Please don't feel guilty about it! You're doing nothing wrong, really! It is perfectly ok to set BOUNDARIES and to just say that you don't feel like talking about it at the moment! Sending many hugs to you, ennie!

[metalchick]

How about let's get bottle of wine and chat later???