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#21
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Very wise words! That's exactly what I am looking to accomplish: listening to myself and figuring out how I feel with support along the way. I am in a process... it is a process. Now I am re-evaluating, based on the incidents lately. |
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#22
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Anonymous40643
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#23
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I AM committed. I mean, I go back and forth all the time, but I am still committed to seeing it through. Some days I think there's no way this can work, and other days I feel it can. I am so on the fence, that's why I need to give it a lot more time. |
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Anonymous43949
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#24
Most certainly you should give it more time and see how things go.
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#25
Yes, more time is needed. I just needed support while I figure it out. I have trouble sorting out my feelings. I used to shove them down years ago with an eating disorder. I am trying hard to just figure out my boundaries & limits, the deal breakers, as you put it, where I stand on various issues, and how I truly feel.
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#26
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#27
Yes I am definitely trying to to do both. Listen to my gut and to my logic. It takes time to sort it all out.
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#28
This may be superficial sounding, but I am very attracted to my husband! He's both very handsome and cute in my mind and there's definitely a chemistry between us. A physical reaction and real chemistry. We basically do it for each other. You don't always get that in a relationship, plus companionship. We have that. .. on the plus side. And for me attraction is very very important. I cannot be in a relationship without that spark of chemistry. I realize this is not everything that makes something work, but it certainly helps.
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seesaw
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#29
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Saying that the most intense chemistry I ever fell was for people who were the most wrong for me. I talked to a therapist about it and she said it’s common, and I am not alone in it, so it’s not just me. Our bodies subconsciously respond to what’s familiar. Often familiar is unhealthy pattern, unhealthy relationship pattern, often stems from family of origin. When we meet somebody who could be healthy and good for us it doesn’t always feel familiar so we might not subconsciously respond as strongly. If we stick it out it though it could grow into strong love that is sustainable. I am not saying feeling strong chemistry is wrong, it is just never enough to provide feelings of fulfillment and true happiness in a long run. I most certainly attracted to my husband or I’d not bother but I am a bit cautious when I hear about most intense chemistry. |
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seesaw
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#30
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#31
Something quite miraculous happened last night. Hard to explain in detail, but he made a 180 degree turn last night for the first time & in a very different way, after he started an argument with me. I may be seeing some changed behavior. I do know this: if he starts just one more fight with me and if it goes down a similar path as past fights? I am DONE. It is too toxic and I will not put up with it.
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#32
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Why would you say this ? Anyone who starts a thread is allowed to say what they are looking for. Some want advice. Some want opinions and some want support. I don’t think Eve is necessarily looking for people to agree with her, I think she is looking for people to be mindful and supportive in what they say. __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Anonymous40643, divine1966, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#33
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divine1966, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#34
Last night really turned things around all for the better. He apologized, he quickly regrouped after a heated argument that HE started, he saw that he was repeating what happened in his prior marriage, and he said this stops now... the fighting. I truly hope this means he will change his behavior and reactions to me. But now I have greater hope for better days with less fighting. I decided, like I wrote above, if I experience just one more toxic fight, I’m leaving and I’m done. He finally pushed me to my limits last night with the latest fight we had.
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#35
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This is wonderful news, Eve. People CAN change for the better if they really want to. It's a hard, continuing effort, but there's nothing like a special relationship to provide that motivation. Very best wishes to the both of you. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#36
Sounds like he is realizing he has some bad patterns and is trying to stop them. That’s huge. If you set a boundary for yourself-“not one more fight that bad”, you need to tell him that because its only fair and gives him a chance to work with you on new ways of solving disagreements before things escalate. I would recommend working with him to make a list of ways to do this so you can refer to it when feelings start to rise. Maybe define the main disagreement, then take a walk to clear your heads. Is there a possible compromise, etc My therapist just gave me some rules for communicating that are supposed to prevent things lapsing into a fight. You’ve probably heard them. Things like saying “I understand what your saying...”. You could google this way of communicating.
You dont have to co-mingle your money. Sounds like you had better have separate accounts. In fact, that might take some of the stress down a notch. __________________ Bipolar 2 with anxious distress mixed states & rapid cycling under severe stress tegretol 200 mg wellbutrin 75 mg, cut in half or higher dose as needed Regular aerobic exercise SKILLSET/KNOWLEDGE BASE: Family Medical Advocate Masters in Library Science Multiple Subject Teaching Credential-15 yrs in public schools |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#37
It's great that he's recognizing his problems, and I agree with this:
You're still going to have disagreements, and a part of a good relationship is being able to work through an argument in a healthy way. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#38
Thank you so much! It is encouraging, for certain. It was quite the miraculous turnaround. Perhaps he realized what is truly at stake: losing me, the relationship, our marriage and everything we've built together.
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#39
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Those are great suggestions! I have told him I cannot handle it anymore. He knows it needs to stop. I think we definitely need some tools to help deescalate things and defuse any arguments in the future. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#40
YES. That is the key operative word: resolve things in a HEALTHY way. What I've been experiencing with these fights is totally toxic. I cannot exist in a toxic relationship again. And I will not, no matter how hard it may be to leave.
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MickeyCheeky
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