[Sojo]

Good morning,

A few days ago my brother passed away. We weren't close and didn't have a relationship for the last 15 years or so, but he was still my brother. I've always thought of myself as an introvert, and have been dealing and processing his death internally. My wife has been frustrated with my lack of communication. She stayed home from work to "be with me" the day after but due to little sleep the night before. She fell back to sleep that morning and slept until 11. During which time I was up making phone calls. Talking to family and breaking the news to some. When she found out she was upset that I didn't wake her so she could be with me. My family wanted me to wait to tell my children until my ex-wife was home from work (They live out of state with her). My wife and I had discussed that telling my kids myself was the priority and not letting them find out from other family members. Later that afternoon, I had left to go to an appt when my daughter called after getting off work. I then felt I should let my ex-wife know before getting home. Plus I had told my parents that I would. Later after telling my wife that I had talked to both of them, she was upset. When she gets upset, its the quiet upset. She doesn't say anything and is basically cold to me. Later when I asked what was going on. She replyed with "our communication is off." I react like I normally do. Which is very defensively, and start to talk about the not my fault she slept all morning. At which point she just walked away. That was 2 days ago and we haven't been talking much since. I'm trying to see it from her side of view and get an understanding of what she is seeing. Does anyone have any insights? Thanks.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Sojo

Good morning,

A few days ago my brother passed away. We weren't close and didn't have a relationship for the last 15 years or so, but he was still my brother. I've always thought of myself as an introvert, and have been dealing and processing his death internally. My wife has been frustrated with my lack of communication. She stayed home from work to "be with me" the day after but due to little sleep the night before. She fell back to sleep that morning and slept until 11. During which time I was up making phone calls. Talking to family and breaking the news to some. When she found out she was upset that I didn't wake her so she could be with me. My family wanted me to wait to tell my children until my ex-wife was home from work (They live out of state with her). My wife and I had discussed that telling my kids myself was the priority and not letting them find out from other family members. Later that afternoon, I had left to go to an appt when my daughter called after getting off work. I then felt I should let my ex-wife know before getting home. Plus I had told my parents that I would. Later after telling my wife that I had talked to both of them, she was upset. When she gets upset, its the quiet upset. She doesn't say anything and is basically cold to me. Later when I asked what was going on. She replyed with "our communication is off." I react like I normally do. Which is very defensively, and start to talk about the not my fault she slept all morning. At which point she just walked away. That was 2 days ago and we haven't been talking much since. I'm trying to see it from her side of view and get an understanding of what she is seeing. Does anyone have any insights? Thanks.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! Have you tried explaining that you want her to rest and just having her home is enough for you right now?

[hvert]

I'm having a hard time seeing it from her point of view. From what I see, your brother died, not hers. You are the one who needs support and tolerance in that situation, not her. It's only been a few days. You are processing your grief.

[downandlonely]

Sounds like your wife wants to help, but she doesn't understand what you need right now.

[Bill3]

I agree with hvert.

Originally Posted by hvert

I'm having a hard time seeing it from her point of view. From what I see, your brother died, not hers. You are the one who needs support and tolerance in that situation, not her. It's only been a few days. You are processing your grief.

Originally Posted by downandlonely

Sounds like your wife wants to help, but she doesn't understand what you need right now.

I agree with these as well. She should be asking you what you need to grieve and respecting that.

Wild guess here, but I think she feels as if you're shutting her out. Perhaps she has always opened up to other people to help with her grieving process, and she doesn't understand that you simply have a different process, that not everyone wants to open up when they're sad.