The HOW of forgiveness? Anyone know?

Good to know. Maybe it's important for us to be patient with ourselves and just allow the process to run its course.

I agree. It can’t be forced. I’m not sure exactly what process the mind goes through, but when you feel forgiveness, it feels natural and does not take effort.

Sense of justice is good.

See if you can use concept of justice in one way.

Tell yourself that justice was already served, he is in his 30s, should be great time in ones life. Ha has no education and no career, lives with his parents and mooches off people (either family or short term girlfriends -no one would stick around long enough let alone ever marry him or have a family with him). He spends free time intoxicated or on social media posting on forums and causing drama. That’s not how successful 30 something live. It’s my daughters generation, I know many 30 something year old women and men and it’s not how they live, his life is messed up compare to others.

So that’s justice. If justice is important for you in this case.

aahhhhhh.... SO true, all that you wrote!!! Yes, that IS a form of justice, when you say it that way.

Forgiving in situations like the one you gave is extremely hard to do. Sometimes it is better just to forgive and forget that way you can have some inner peace instead of having to deal with a grudge.

You can also consider the idea of his robbing you. Is it not enough that during the time you spent together, he robbed you of what could have been a better life for you? Should you not cut the losses and stop ruminating, because your rumination means that even without being physically present in your life, he continues robbing you of good time, of what could be a more enjoyable life?

That said, this is just a cognitive idea. I think some rumination is necessary in order for the brain to process and you should let it run its course, because that is how you ultimately will be able to shake it.

Thanks for ur thoughts and input! Yes he did rob me of time that could have been spent enjoying life.

I can’t just stop ruminating though .. it’s deeply engrained behavior.. that’s like asking me to stop breathing.. very hard to do!!

It may just have to run it’s course like several have said. Maybe there really is no solution.

At the same time. I feel like I am fighting something that has to do with my own self respect and self esteem. I am looking to him to provide me with a greater sense of self esteem when I have to give it to myself.

I lowered my standards with this person, by far. I was desperate for love when we first met, living a nightmare and wanting love and affection to help save me from drowning in my misery. I got involved with someone against my better judgement. I had JUST gotten out of another abusive relationship, and he was there to catch me and pick up the pieces of my broken soul.

I am not beating myself up anymore, however, so that's not it... I am just throwing out my thoughts to try and get to the bottom of what I need the most right now in order to really heal, forgive and let go.

Perhaps it's the fact that when he said he loved his other ex more (when we broke up), it severely diminished my importance and value to him, along with everything I did out of pure love for him. What he said completely destroyed anything that was precious and special between us, and it demeaned everything I had done for him, which had come from a place of pure love for him.

But this person did not value me OR my love anyways, not in the way that I need at least. He abused me, he was a drug addict & an alcoholic and his addictions prevailed over valuing and taking care of ME.

I am the one who took care of HIM. I played mommy for him. He was a mess when I moved him here to save him from homelessness, so I took care of everything. That's how I ended up in the mommy role. I didn't like it. It was not equal and it was not how I prefer to function in a relationship.

Perhaps I have to find value within myself for what I did for him. I gave of myself to someone who did not deserve my heart or my love. He crapped all over it while we were living together. The five months before I moved him here had been blissful, and I had no idea that he would become abusive or cruel towards me.

I have wanted to hear from him all this time, and for him to tell me that he never meant those cruel words. But he is not going to give this to me, and I have to find the closure myself. I have it written in a letter from me, just two months before we broke up, that he had never loved anyone more... that he had loved me more than anyone else.

Maybe I just have to not put so much stock into WHAT HE SAYS. It's coming from an ABUSER.... and abusive love is NOT love.....

So perhaps while I have been looking to HIM to resolve this for me, by telling me he did truly love me, I have to start thinking differently.

I wish I knew what I need in order to let go. I have to find peace with having given my heart to someone who didn't deserve me. It's not like it's the first time Ive done that.. not by far. But this one really stuck in my craw, it's still eating at me two years later, and I cannot fully let go.....

I have compassion for myself for where I was at when I met him. I have understanding and great compassion. I was not in a good place and very vulnerable. Perhaps that's just it --- I was vulnerable to become prey to an abuser.

You know that abusers deliberately CHOOSE their victims? He picked up on the fact that I was vulnerable, so I was in fact prey for him.

My therapist says he needed and wanted a mommy, and that when I refused to play that role anymore, that he got vicious and angry and lashed out.

How do I find peace with this??? I gave all of my love and heart to someone who trashed it, didn't value it and who didn't value me as a person.

But somehow in the end, he made it seem like I wasn't worthy, and that he was the one rejecting ME. When I rejected him and when in truth, HE wasn't worthy of ME.

Dammit. I am not getting anywhere.... this just sucks.

I also have wanted revenge for the longest time. Last year I wrote him a "goodbye" letter, confronting him on all the crap he pulled and on how rotten he was towards me, then I told him I was engaged and getting married in five months. I wanted REVENGE and I wanted him to HURT over that.

Maybe I just need to let go in knowing I gave myself, all of my heart and love to someone who crapped all over it and who crapped all over me. Maybe I just need to say "screw it, he just never deserved me". Which is what I wrote in my goodbye letter.

I hate to say it but I hope it did effect him.

It probably ties back to my narcissisitc father and wounds somehow from childhood. Trying to "win" the love and to be recognized and valued by a narcissist. That doesn't work. It never can and never will work.

As a child, I had to fight for my father's love and affection... I wanted him to just love me for who I was and am, but he only would criticize and emotionally abuse me, making me feel unworthy and unloved. This is a deep childhood wound that my ex has hit upon. I know it has to do with that because my ex is also a narc, and a malignant narc at that. This is why it's not such a simple matter of logic. It's a deeper wound than meets the eye.

My therapist is NO help. Awesome. She rolls her eyes whenever I bring up my ex... kind of like, this again??? Grrr.

I believe he felt inadequate when we broke up, we broke up because of HIM and how he IS, so he lashed out... a narcissistic injury:

"Narcissistic injuries are almost always projections, which is the misplacement of the narcissist’s unconscious self-hatred onto any person who they experience as threatening. Feeling “bad,” “broken,” and/or “never good enough,” like they did as a child, is simply not an option for the Personality Disordered narcissist. In actuality, projections are dissociated feelings of self-hatred and self-loathing, that are attributed a person who threatens the narcissist’s veneer-thin self-esteem. In other words, projection diverts the realization of self-hatred and core shame by transferring self-judgment and condemnation onto the activating or ‘injuring” person."

Google 'descansos' by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, that's the best way making peace with my past worked for me.

@Little Cat, thank you!

I actually revived an old PDF document I have on narcissistic abuse and on how to heal from it. I believe that this is what is needed...... in order for me to truly heal and move forward.

A book I read has the following perspective fwiw.

When we have been hurt by someone we feel they owe us. We want to be made whole, and we resent them for not making us whole. We miss what they took from us and we want it back.

To help ourselves forgive, according to this book, we should strive to make ourselves stronger, more whole, more recovered, more healed.

The stronger we are, the more whole we are, the less we resent the other person for not making us whole—for we are making ourselves whole.

The less we resent them, the easier it is to forgive them.

And so, according to this book, your own efforts to heal from narcissistic abuse—what you just said—and anything else you do to find healing, and to make yourself whole, will help you in forgiving the person/people who hurt you.

I love this, Bill. It fits really well with this philosophy of leadership that I follow that has to do with integrity, and one of the things we talk about when we have to honor our word versus keep it (keep it means I did exactly as I said; honor it means I was unable to do exactly as I said but I'm making up for it and cleaning up whatever mess I made by not keeping it) is the idea of making the other person whole again. A person with integrity honors their word. Very simple example: I said I could get this report to you by noon, but I can't finish it until the end of the day. To honor my word and keep my integrity: I would tell you this as soon as I'm aware and ask what else I can do to make up for not being able to do it by noon. Do I need to speak to anyone or cover anything or do anything additional to make you whole for my late submission of the report?

It's the same in relationships. People will inevitably break promises or hurt us (not speaking of abuse), and most people with integrity don't want to hurt another person, would feel badly for doing so, and want to make them whole again and repair the relationship.

An abuser like Eve's ex bf has no integrity and doesn't care about his word, either keeping it or honoring it. He doesn't care if she is whole and complete. He cares about getting his narcissistic supply from her and he can't anymore, so he said things he KNEW would be hurtful to her and that would cause her this kind of injury. He will never do anything to make her whole, so it's up to her, and likewise to all of us in similar situations, to find ways to make ourselves whole again.

This very astute. Thank you for the post, @Bill3

Some things are simply unforgivable in my humble opinion.

I often think that this concept was developed by evil people to further guilt trip and shame the victims of their vile deeds.

That's all Pfrog has to say about that!

For me, I had to come up with some way to be able to act gracious because I have to see this family again. I can’t avoid it. My son has an upcoming wedding, and I’d rather be polite to my sister than smash her head into the wedding cake. The family was incapable of being nice and having empathy. That’s on them. But I have to show my face and deal with them.

Plus, even though it’s toxic, I do love my mother. Even when abused, children love their parents. Yes, she did a lot of good, which did outweigh the bad. So I chose to forgive and just be more careful.

For people who were held against their will and minor children who couldn’t get away from abusive parents — they had to suffer until they could get far, far away.

Sometimes, you are still abused inside your own mind and never really get free.

Sometimes, people who were abused also did bring it on themselves by playing into it, not getting away from it, setting themselves up. I’m not shaming or blaming, but it happens. Maybe some of us are masochists.

No, you don’t have to forgive. If you can feel forgiveness then great for you. It feels good to finally let that anger and rage go. I agree, some abuse is unforgivable. There’s a special place in hell for some abusers. Let’s hope they get theirs by some higher power.

Thank you, @Bill3!

Yes, I agree with this perspective...

And thank you for your thoughts, everyone!

I think I figured out what I need to do. And it may be a long process of healing for me. But this has opened up an old childhood wound, so I am not only battling healing from narc abuse, I am healing from abuse in childhood and the repercussions that had on me emotionally, even into adulthood. I realized today, after doing more research, how it is, and what it is about me that attracted a narcissist and an abuser. I need to work on many things about myself.... I fear I have a long way to go, beginning with working on my self-love and self-esteem.

golden_eve, you have been through so much.
I don't have answers, I guess none of us do.
All I can really do is send a virtual hug. I wish you well in your journey and hope and pray that you find comfort and some kind of healing.

Be kind to yourself, you really do deserve it.