[Icedgem]

My daughter's father promised her he would see her every week over the summer and have sleep overs Friday - Mondays most weeks etc.

We've just finished an unpleasant court case all to do with maintenance. Ruling was made in my favour for him to backdate a lot of missed payments and a decision has been made for all future payments.

Since the court date he has been vile.

He's said to our daughter who is 10 that he will only see her once a week for the summer now and will only have a sleep over twice a month.

He has told her that I will not let him see her more than that. This is untrue and I try as hard as I can to make sure she's free when he wants to see her and have never stopped him.

The court order wasn't a childcare arrangement so he doesn't have to adhere to anything contact wise. It was just for maintenance money.

What do I say to him.. if anything?

And more importantly, what do I say to her?!

I've never said a bad word to her about him bit have no idea how to handle this. She is now angry at me for not letting her see her dad

[divine1966]

I am so sorry

I wonder if your kid would benefit from seeing children therapist who’d help her to process this? I also think when dad comes pick her up tell him in front of her that he is free to see her often and that you never stop him from seeing her.

[Icedgem]

That's a good idea thank you.

She's on a waiting list for a therapist for her anxiety but the next appointment isnt for 8 months

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Icedgem

That's a good idea thank you.

She's on a waiting list for a therapist for her anxiety but the next appointment isnt for 8 months

Could you ask school counselor or social worker to chat with your daughter while therapist isn’t available?

[Zevvy]

So he's lying to his own daughter to punish you? I'm sorry he's putting you and your daughter through this, Icedgem. Have you spoken with him at all about what this is doing to her? I agree with divine1966 about having your daughter see a child therapist so that she can process all of this.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, @Icedgem That is truly nasty of him I agree with BOTH divine1966 and Zevvy about her seeing a therapist. Hopefully it won't take too long. As for what to tell her, just tell her that she can ALWAYS see her dad whenever she likes. Hopefully with time she'll understand your TRUE intentions. As for him I'm not sure if confronting him would do him any good but you can try anyway. At the very least, he has no reason to lie to her like that! I'm so sorry for BOTH you and her. I hope things will get better soon for BOTH of you. Please keep us updated and let us know how things are going for BOTH of you and if they're getting ANY better. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and her, Icedgem! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!

[Icedgem]

I've tried zevvy.
His answer is he now has no money to take her anywhere as I'm greedy and wanted it all from him.

To be honest, speaking with him only seems to make matters worse

[Zevvy]

If it makes matters worse, then I definitely wouldn't try to argue with him, even if his reason sounds selfish. Maybe she only wants to spend time with her father and doesn't want to go anywhere?? Sorry.

I hope you can find some sort of counseling for your daughter. It doesn't sound like you'll be able to reason with her father.

[sarahsweets]

I think there is a legal term for this, I think its called parental alienation. If it continues I would explore what your legal options are. At the same time, do you want her to see him that much if this is what you know he is telling her now? What would stop him from letting loose and telling her all sorts of things when he is alone with her?

Originally Posted by Icedgem

That's a good idea thank you.

She's on a waiting list for a therapist for her anxiety but the next appointment isnt for 8 months

I would not wait 8 months. I would find a school counselor for your daughter to see immediately, or at the very least, take her to a walk-in counseling clinic or sliding fee scale clinic. Do not wait 8 months. By then, it will be too late. She needs to have a safe place to go to right now, to process all of this, to help her develop age-relevant coping skills for her anxiety, which is brought on by her parents' divorce. Put your daughter's well being first.

Originally Posted by Icedgem

I've tried zevvy.
His answer is he now has no money to take her anywhere as I'm greedy and wanted it all from him.

To be honest, speaking with him only seems to make matters worse

You need to use a mediator then, to speak to your ex-husband. Your daughter's psychological well-being is being affected by her parents' arguing with each other and that is not good.

Find a different method to communicate with your husband. Use email only. Don't use the phone.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I think there is a legal term for this, I think its called parental alienation. If it continues I would explore what your legal options are. At the same time, do you want her to see him that much if this is what you know he is telling her now? What would stop him from letting loose and telling her all sorts of things when he is alone with her?

You are correct, sarah. Icedgem's husband is employing the 'parental alienation syndrome.'

Parental Alienation Syndrome: What Is It, and Who Does It? | Psychology Today

Parent alienation syndrome

Parental alienation syndrome, a term coined in the id 1980's by child psychiatrist Dr. Richard A. Gardner, occurs when one parent attempts to turn the couple's children against the other parent. A parent who is angry at the spouse or ex-spouse accomplishes this estrangement by painting a negative picture of the other parent via deprecating comments, blame and false accusations shared with the children. They may also hoard the kids, doing all they can to thwart the other parent's parenting time.

In my clinical practice, the mother most often has been the alienating parent, turning the children against their Dad. At the same time, I also have had multiple families in which Dad is the toxic parent, poisoning the children against their mother. In general, the alienating parent is the least emotionally healthy, and often the more wealthy (to be able to afford legal challenges).

The sad reality is that parents who poison their children's natural affection for the other parent are doing serious, even abusive, damage. PT blogger Edward Kruk, PhD updates the research on this important point:

"A survey taken at the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts’ annual (2014) conference reported 98% agreement “in support of the basic tenet of parental alienation: children can be manipulated by one parent to reject the other parent who does not deserve to be rejected.”

For the child, the biopsychosocial-spiritual effects of parental alienation are devastating. For both the alienated parent and child, the removal and denial of contact in the absence of neglect or abuse constitute cruel and unusual treatment. ... . As a form of child maltreatment, parental alienation is a serious child protection matter as it undermines a basic principle of social justice for children: the right to know and be cared for by both of one's parents.

An alienating parent usually shows narcissistic and also borderline tendencies.

Narcissism is selfishness on steroids. Narcissistic individuals tend to be self-absorbed. Most centrally, they show deficits in ability to listen to others' differing perspectives. Instead they hyper-focus on what they themselves want, think, feel and believe without taking into consideration others' desires and ideas.

[Bill3]

You asked what to say to her.

If you say nothing about the situation to your daughter then she will assume that what he tells her is true.

I think you should discuss it with her.

To me, the discussion would be factual, not judgmental of him.

The fact is that you did not forbid it.

In my mind you would tell her that you don’t know why her father said that, perhaps there was a misunderstanding, but it isn’t true.

I get that you don’t want to speak ill of him to her, that is admirable of you. But I don’t think you are required to throw yourself under the bus in her eyes to protect her image of him. Her image of you matters too. A lot.