[saidso]

I'm renting and local people have told me to be wary of my landlady but I thought that I didn't have a problem with her.

Overall I'm glad to have a decent place to live but some things surprised me. I find myself feeling distressed about her lack of care in making me comfortable wry smile. Small things matter to me more than I thought they would.

I've been trying to keep our relationship constructive, neutral, appreciative: because that is how I balance my gratitude at having a decent place overall and my distress at some things being uncomfortable.

We have a disagreement currently, and I asked practical advice about how other landlords deal with this and made what I think is a constructive proposal. I see that the landlady is someone who gets distressed if she has to compromise outside her comfort zone: that's her emotional side, not the practical reality of the situation.

So I'm curious. Seems like I am distressed about some minor things that make me uncomfortable and she is distressed about doing something in-habitual even though in practical terms it makes good sense.

It's a business arrangement, but I want to be respectful of my emotional boundaries and of hers. Seems like this could be a trigger in friend relationships also, when both people are distressed "without reason".

Seems like finding a middle ground between placating/ giving in and being totally insensitive to another person's comfort.

We probably do need to find time to talk f2f, but she's busy all the time - understandably so. Keeping it human and grounded seems difficult. Not to give tit for tat ultimatums.

I'm interested in how people deal when both sides are experiencing distress which may be disproportionate, or distracting from finding practical solutions. Probably what I wrote above re. finding time to talk and not giving in to tit for tat phone conversations????

It seems to be important to make time to relate around this inter-personally, even though I find asking for a f2f conversation difficult because in the context of her busy life this seems demanding. Tit for tat is how she has upset other people locally, and it goes nowhere.

Seems like we both need to communicate explicitly about what is upsetting us, at the same time as finding practical solutions?

[saidso]

I've figured this out now. Because I'm learning and changing, sometimes it takes a while for my intention to catch up with my distress and confusion. Then I calm down and stuff becomes clearer.