Immediate red flags?

Hey all. I hope you're having a good weekend.

I wanted to know what your immediate red flags were when you meet someone for the first time? And I don't just mean in a romantic way. I mean in general, including potential friendships.

So, 2 weeks ago a woman came up to me on the train because I looked sad (it was a bad day for me) and asked if I was okay. I thanked her for asking me and we spoke for a bit. She recommended this spiritual healing center for members of our community. We're both black and a part of the LGBT community (but we both identity as queer) and we're both young, around the same age. She asked for my number and we parted ways. That center is legit, by the way. I know people who go there and I actually wanted to go.

I don't know if my history of abuse is playing a role in my feelings or what but I'm already on guard because of how they're coming off. I've had toxic relationships and I know what to look for because of those experiences and through learning about myself in therapy but I don't want to self-storage this potential friendship, you know?

These are some of the red flags I'm seeing:

1) After a few days of talking to each other, she's been pressuring me to do things I don't want to do just yet. I don't mean sexually but she wants me to go to that group I previously mentioned. I have social anxiety disorder so going to meetups and things like that are hard for me and I have to be patient with myself because I really need to gather the energy to go. However, that's a story for another time. Anyways, she would not take no for an answer, even when I told her about my social anxiety and anxiety attacks. I felt forced to give an explanation and she STILL kept pressuring me. I told her I would go on my own time and she apologized and said she would stop...only to bring it up again as a joke later on. Pressuring me to do things makes me highly uncomfortable.

2) Within the first 2-4 days I met her I already know her self-esteem is low. Now, my self-esteem can be low, too. That's not the problem. The problem is you putting yourself down a couple of days after we met and I already have to be your therapist and raise it back up. It's one thing if we knew each other for a while. It's another thing entirely if it's only been a couple of days.

3) She questioned my spiritual beliefs. I like discussions about spirituality so, again, that's not the problem. But when you're coming up with arguments against my beliefs to prove that I'm wrong, then that just doesn't sit right with me. I don't like that. I don't do that with other people. We are all free to believe in what we want. Why feel the need to question others' beliefs? If it's coming from a place of curiosity, fine. But this wasn't only coming from a place of curiosity and she admitted it came from a place of skepticism, as well.

Those are all within 2 weeks of meeting this woman. I feel like I'm overreacting. I want to open up to others and bring more people into my life but I want to take things slow. I think vulnerability in any relationship is important but not immediately. I already know deep things about her because she self-disclosed way too fast and I felt like self-disclosing to balance things out but I'm being very cognizant of that.

Anyway, that's my story. I want so hard to make friends with other queer people of color and I was happy I met this woman so we could be friends. However, these things have been lingering on my mind. I think I'm going to give her a chance but I'll keep these things in mind. Thanks for reading.

You seem cautious and aware enough that you'll know when to draw the line if something brings you to it.

I would probably do the same as you, since i've had friends that had 1 or more of those traits, but weren't toxic relationships as a whole. In the sense that the good very clearly overweighed the bad.

Nothing wrong with giving someone a chance

But also nothing wrong with ditching the friendship if that's on your mind. Im assuming these red flags you mentioned are things that you experienced with abusive relationships before? Regardless of whether it would lead to to that though, these are things that you don't like. It's up to you if you think the good outweighs the bad. What do you like about your new friend so far?

If some minor details lined up, I'd be convinced that we've befriended the same person. Your post describes one of my friends to a T. Insecure, controlling, over-sharing way too eagerly, pressuring others into sharing, etc. Yeah, I haven't ignored any of these red flags, and I suggest you don't either.

About a week ago, I watched my friend (Amy) completely lose her **** because her other friend hadn't texted her back. To be clear, this was a long-distance friend who she had met years ago and they occasionally kept touch through social media. Said friend didn't text back because she had serious medical issues and was being hospitalized. Amy knew this, but still was screaming to me about how her friend had "abandoned" her. Not for concern over her friend's health, no, she thought her friend was giving her the silent treatment. The point being - look at how she's behaved in other relationships. Is she okay if friendships naturally dissolve?

I don't really do the guilt thing, so Amy's attempts at manipulation and controlling behavior go over me like water off a duck's back. But if you're feeling worn down by this already, that's not a good sign.

Anytime I meet someone and they tell me all their problems and become needy and pushy after knowing each other for only days I back away. Those are major red flags. Its similar to dating someone for a day or so and then they profess their love for you and are already talking marriage and kids. Its smothering and imo indicative of their issues and I do not believe you are ready or supposed to carry that burden so early in the friendship.

@starryprince, your gut reactions are typically right... and your gut seems to be telling you these are all red flags indicating you should back away. She is crossing boundaries, is disrespecting your own needs to take things slowly with this group, she is divulging too much, and is already questioning your spiritual beliefs? Red flags all over the place. While it's great you want to be open and make new friendships, it sounds like this is not the kind of friend you need.

Be careful with those who desire to be close to you when you are down and vulnerable. You were on a train; not in a support group where it would be a natural setting to offer and seek help.

I got the impression that her behavior is almost cult-like. Trust your instincts.

She is a stranger you met on a train so you are under no obligation of doing anything with her or talking to her. She is likely on a recruiting mission looking for vulnerable people who should join her group/organization. You’ve only known her for two weeks.

UPDATE Thanks everyone for the replies! I really appreciate them and I will keep them in mind as they are really helpful for the future.

So I told her that I felt invalidated with her line of questioning regarding my spirituality and she apologized...and I haven't heard from her since. I didnt contact her again and that's that. 🤷🏽*♂️ I was confused because I have a habit of pushing people away due to trauma and my social anxiety disorder but, in this case, I think my gut instincts were right. Hopefully I meet someone who I actually click with in the future.

Just do whathever you feel comfortable doing, @starryprince! If you feel like she isn't the right person for you, there's nothing wrong with moving on and closing the relationship. Hopefully you'll meet someone who TRULY Loves you and Understands you for who you TRULY are! Keep looking! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you and your family, starryprince! KEEP ROCKING!

I didn't physically meet this man. He was on a free dating site. I got scary vibes when he asked me if I lived alone. I'm glad it didn't work out with him.

Thanks a lot, Mickey! I really need to hear this right now because I feel lonely. The thing is that there was no relationship. We literally just met and I just felt off and I didn't feel anything. There was no pull to get to know her better. I am hoping I find the right one soon.

I'm glad it didn't work out with him, too. That would be a big red flag for me, as well. I hope you find someone who is a good fit for you!

Red Flags for me?

1. Very very intense, very very quickly. Too close, waay too fast.
2. Too presumptuous that my/your time, attention, and/or resources should be theirs implicitly and automatically
3. Requires boundless quantities of emotional, mental, and physical energy bc s/he is sooo special and should have EVERYTHING s/he needs -- again, it should be automatically given.

4. There is no 4 because by that time I'm so bloody freaking exhausted I cannot think straight anymore and don't want to . All I want is a BREAK!

Phew, I'm exhausted just typing that. lol
Best,
Chyia, definitely one of the Firm Boundary Tribe

The last part made me giggle. I hope that's alright. =) I agree with all of these, especiallythe 1st one! It's something I keep a lookout for when I just meet someone. I was talking to someone at my job and they immediately started telling me their trauma. I stay away now. =(

Someone telling you their trauma too fast could also be because of being neglected as a child.

I agree these are red flags. Reading what you wrote about this woman made me uncomfortable with regard to her interactions with you. I would not get involved with her.