I don't know if my gf made a false r*** accusation

Hello, it's my first post here and I really need an outside opinion on this because as the title suggests, it's a high stakes thing.

I am currently in the US, has been here for 3 months and will leave for EU in 3 months time. My gf who is unemployed and depends on me (for which I am not resentful, even though after about 20 months I made a deal with her that she would just get any job she likes so that she has a modicum of independence) is back home even though she was supposed to come join me.

2 days ago my girlfriends of 2 years out of a blue announced that she'd been raped by a police officer a week prior. I was completely floored, but she provided no information at all, got very defensive and angry at anything I suggested or did. Even the fact that I told my mother who knows her, which to me is the most natural thing to do, just as I would have told her about an accident or any serious issue. She just keeps saying she will deal with that herself and make him pay.

Even though she has done nothing but party, visit friends and just stay home and play games in the meantime. She even talked to me about a prospect of having a baby about 5 days ago.

Just for context - I come from a very wealthy family in which women occupy prominent roles as at least equals to men and they would never even assume to blame anyone for being a victim of an assault. I've already arranged for a family lawyer to contact her and provide guidance as to what to do and say. I also made sure she is going to counseling at once and maybe stay with my family for support. Her response? "don't talk to me", "how could you tell your mother? what will she think of me?!"

Now this is the tough part for me. I have a strong suspicion she is lying to me to cover for something she did or didn't do, my bet now is on her failing to apply for a passport and a visa to join me. She was supposed to have them some time ago but told me a pretty far-fetched thing about there being a flooding that destroyed the whole load of passports. She also said she'd deal with that. (she still doesn't have a passport after another month). And maybe I am mistaken but destruction of the whole bunch of government documents in summer would be just a thing some news outlets might be interested in? But ultimately, despite how shady that looked, it wasn't a big deal. If she doesn't wanna come, I won't make her.

This thing is a whole another beast.

Sorry for rambling. I am just so tired of trying to get to her and am afraid I will be single before monday, but naturally I am hestiant about telling a woman claiming to have suffered rape that I don't believe her, despite my overwhelming suspicion, but if she just went to the police and left a statement, it would be sufficient proof to me that what she said is true. Until then I can only act as if it was. What do you think? Am I off? Is it just how someone who has been assaulted acts? Or am I being taken for a ride?

first off ..there is no "standard" response for someone who has been assaulted. everyone is different. to assume there is a standard response and that she isn't meeting it is condescending of you. rape is a violent assault and effects both short and long term can be just as horrible as the assault.

is she creating a story? no one knows but her. I don't think it matters what your family history of wealth & treatment of women is. perhaps she feels threatened by that & doesn't know what else to do. maybe she feels you throw those factors in her face...who knows.

honestly if my boyfriend told me I had to provide a police report of a rape to him I would dump him in a second. because she didn't share the "details" with you...and why couldn't she have been raped during that time frame? doesn't work for you? should the cop have assaulted her what, 2 weeks, a month ago? and really, do you want to hear all the details..to prove to YOU she was assaulted? maybe drag her to the hospital and get an exam done...

you have taken what is a terrible assault and removed what little sense of control a victim has placed everything under your control. of course she is upset you told your mother. why did she have to know?

I think she is making it obvious that she doesn't want to travel with you.
I would give her a deadline...such as you need your passport by ..aug 10 if you are coming with me on this trip. if you feel you must. and be prepared for what ever she says. prepare for the no.

are you going to support her if she doesn't travel or will you let her go? I think you must tell her that as well....if the relationship hinges on this trip then I feel you must let her know. don't be a jerk who lets her know the day of the trip you are cutting her loose with no financial plan, especially if you have been supporting her. that is wrong and not fair. especially if you say you care as much as you do.

Yeah, something's off...

Firstly, though, don't look at her behavior as an indicator of whether or not she's been raped. There is no "rape victim" profile. People can react to sexual assault in any number of different ways, and some hardly react at all. A lot of people don't go to the police (especially if it was a cop who did it), and I wouldn't either. She might be partying excessively to distract herself from the trauma. Or she might be lying. You just can't really know for sure. And honestly, it isn't up to you to determine that.

Either way, I wouldn't mention any sort of doubt regarding her claims of being raped. Instead, I think you should sit her down for a heart-to-heart to ask her about the passport issue and whether or not she wants to go with you to Europe. You should also make it very clear that you'll accept her answer regardless of what it is, and that you'll still keep in touch if she ever needs someone to talk to about her traumatic experience (again, don't even mention that you doubt it happened - you have no proof, and it's just poor form).

Although, everything else you've mentioned about her seems rather alarming - refusing to get a passport or a job, but proposing you have a baby together. I would probably break up with her, but you do you.

It seems like a REALLY difficult situation, @Iamclockwork! I agree with all the other wise, wonderful posters that it's not fair to assume the behavior of a victim of sexual assault. Everyone reacts their own way to any event. I also agree with @theoretical about talking to her about her passport since that seems to be the most urget thing. Ask her whether or not she wants to come with you to Europe. Don't press her in one direction or another. Whether she wants to go to the police or not is up to her. It can take time before a victim decides to come upfront about what they've been through and it's not surprising that she got upset about you telling your Mom - it IS something REALLY personal and I'm not sure it's appropriate to share it so freely. Nevertheless, I hope you'll be able to talk to her about ALL of this! Remember NOT to pressure and to NOT make her feel uncomfortable! Let us know how things tunr out for BOTH of you! Wishing you BOTH the best of luck and I hope you'll BOTH be able to work through this TOGETHER! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your girlfriend! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH of you!

ok.. you are not from the USA so maybe some explaining is in order maybe not. depends on how your country handles such things as rape.

here in the USA no explaining to even a husband is needed nor is a police report needed for proof that someone was raped in order to prove its not a false allegation. here in the USA its no ones business whether one has had consenting or forced sex. and here in the USA people ask before they go telling anyone else that their wife/ or girlfriend or boyfriend or husband has been raped. its just not done here in America.

to give you an example of how your girlfriend feels about you telling your mother. think about the times that you have had sex, now think about what if your girlfriend went to her mother and gave her mother details of what went on in your bed with you. now imagine having to go visit her mother knowing her mother knows about the most private thing you have ever disclosed to your girlfriend inclusing positions, things you have asked for, things you have done together behind closed doors. kind of makes one embarrassed and ashamed. you may not want to ever see or sit across the table from her mother for fear of what she would think about you and what you do behind closed doors.

my point is according to your post and her reaction you didn't ask her permission about something concerning her body and sex....maybe just maybe she is feeling raped all over again because someone took and did what they wanted to rather than asked her to tell others. maybe she is now embarrassed about her body and what others think about her.

false accusation aside a person who has been raped goes through emotions and reactions that are not always understood by others. and so when they tell someone they have been raped that speaks to the fact that they hold high trust in the person that they are telling. then when that person takes that and does what they want to with out permission it does feel like being raped all over again and theres a loss of trust in the person that they told.

my opinion it doesn't matter whether she is telling the truth or not. she told you something that she trusted you to know. she did not ……..have...…… to tell you this. she could have waited for you to come home to her and then you not understand when she didn't want to have sex, was having nightmares and flashbacks, she could have left you wondering if you were doing something wrong she could have continued in physical and emotional pain. But she didn't she cared about you and your relationship together so much you were the one she was trying to turn to, for disclosure and a shoulder.

my suggestion is rather than worrying about whether or not this is a false allegation and you need her to give you proof, maybe look at this as you may have lost her trust when she needed it most. that this very well may be a fact of someone in authority has taken something so beautiful (sex) and used it against her for their own power to inflict pain and heartache on another. and work towards healing yourself with a mental health treatment provider, because rape doesn't just affect the victim. it affects their families as well, then when you go back to EU accept her on what ever grounds she is on at that moment. shes got a very hard road ahead of her and so do you.

Everything else aside, I do not think it was right to tell your mother. Of course she will worry about what your mother thinks of her. Rape victims feel shame and that it was their fault many times so for her to be concerned about what your mother thinks is valid.

You told your mother? Ouch. That’s just being wrong.

Other than that it’s all too shady. Why are you supporting this able bodied person? Seems weird to me