Why do I keep going back to verbally abusive man

I have been in an unhealthy relationship for the past 2 years. He is controlling and wants all of my time. I believe in having some of my own time. I have my own apartment we don’t live together. We would often fight about stuff like me not making him a priority because he Believes me giving me my time makes him a priority. Last year I went out of town and didn’t text him enough in his mind and only called once (it was a weekend out of town) and we had a huge fight. I said I was with my friends and didn’t want to be texting while with them. When he went out of town he would text non stop telling me everything he was doing. I didn’t do that but texted good morning and good night and did text a few times during the day. So I told him I disagreed and he broke up with me (which he always did when we fought) then came back and said sorry I want to be with you I love you then I went out with a friend and saw him parked outside my apartment when I got home like he was waiting for me. He looked passed out in his car. I went up to my apartment then texted him and asked where he was then got him to admit he was at my apartment. I broke up with him. We were apart 3 months and then he came back to me and said he stated therapy and working on anger and would change. I took him back and he planned this week long trip to Hawaii for us. It was great. So things were ok but I was still making sure to spend most weekends with him only one weekend day a month not with him and 3 days a week with him. He was helping me pay rent. I can survive without it but it helped a lot. He went back to old behavior and started the fighting. Then I met some new friends and he wasn’t happy. Then my dad died in March and then things got awful. He dumped me like 4 times then begged me to take him back saying sorrry I love you so much you’re everything to me. So then I would go back. But he would say such bad things to me and make me feel awful when we fought. Verbal abuse. We went to couples therapy with his therapist since January and it was always about how to make him feel like a priority. How I could change. He said he felt unloved and felt that I wasn’t a priority. He said he needed more time. He paid for my expenses to go back home to visit after my dad died and when I got back I had plans three weekends in a row so we only hung out one weekend day. He said I took advantage of him. That really bothered me. He was upset because I always have to ask to do something and then he says yes or no and one time he said yes then the next day blew up at me saying he’s not a priority my friend is the priority. I said but you said I could go and he said he made a mistake. The therapist said he needs to think before telling me yes or no. So things were bad and then he came up with this idea that we would see each other 2 days a week. He wouldn’t fight with me. I could do whatever I want on the days I don’t see him even date and we would see each other one weekend day and one week day. He was at my house one night and my neighbor stopped by and I had like a 2 minute conversation with him outside and he suddenly grabbed his stuff and stormed out and said to the guy you can have her. The next day he kept arguing with me over text. I told him he was wrong to storm out. IF he was upset about something we could have talked about it. He was my friend on Facebook and I had gone out with my friend Amanda and I wore this dress that’s not low cut but it’s kind of short. Like mid thigh. One night I was asleep and he woke me up at 4am and was getting his stuff and said I’m 36 not 16 and the dress was I appropriate. Then he asked if my friend is a lesbian and I said yes and he asked if I was f***ing her and said why don’t you go move in with her and let her take care of you. I said I’m not with her. He stormed out then came back and gave me my key he had and said were done. Then he came back again and wanted to fight and I said we’re broken up so leave. The next day I got endless texts about the dress. I asked so what is appropriate. He said I should know. He said that dress is appropriate if it’s him and me but not me out alone. He said I was out to attract men. I said I wasn’t. He wouldn’t listen. I had to tell him to stop texting me several times before he stopped. Then a few days later he said he wanted to work on stuff so we went to therapy. He said how much he loves me. Blah blah. I said I just wanted to talk. I brought up the dress and the blow ups and break ups. He had admitted he breaks up with me I order to manipulate me. I told the therapist I felt he is too controlling. She said he shouldn’t be telling me what to wear. He wouldn’t agree to this. He thought he was right. We talked about it a long time. So I got back with him and he promised to not blow up or break up. At this point I’m like unsure what to do. We had this trip planned so I didn’t want to cancel it. Then he got mad and said I am keeping him from my friends even though I planned all this stuff on the trip for him to meet good friends of mine from back home. I said what are you talking about? So I didn’t go to therapy that Friday because i Have an injury and the next time he saw me he had a sheet his therapist gave him with signs of a good relationship and signs of an unhealthy relationship and she had started some of them like controls what the other wears for example and said she wants me to come up with an example of if he’s done any of those things. I did it and came up with an example of every sign of an unhealthy relationship except physical abuse. He kept saying he was my rock after my dad died but he kept dumping me and fighting with me during this hard time. It has led me to cut and led me to drink more than usual because im so stressed. We went on the trip. 3 nights. We didn’t fight and he said he wants to be with me forever and loves me so much and I’m the one for him. He has admitted to having an anger problem he says he will work on. I want to get away from him. He puts me down with he fights with me and the control aspect is too much. Should I be asking permission to do something on a weekend or go out of town? I don’t think so. The night before we left for the trip he was telling me everything I did was wrong. I was sitting in the living room while he cooked. Then he said later why wasn’t I in the kitchen talking To him. I said well I wanted to elevate my foot. He said I could do that with pillows on a kitchen chair. He said why weren’t you talking to me. I said well you weren’t talking I thought you were busy cooking. He said he was waiting for me to talk. Just everything to make me feel bad. I don’t even think he realizes it. I can support myself for a while. I’m waiting for disability hearing. It’s taking forever. But is this worth it? This guy is out of control.

Just end this relationship for good.

You will never change him.

You deserve someone who will truly love and care for you.

Yes, ~Christina is ABSOLUTELT right, @Crazygrl882. Please listen to her. You deserve better. He doesn't deserve you. Please allow yourself to move on from him. I am SO SORRY that you're hurting SO MUCH, my friend! I hope you'll make the BEST decision for yourself and decide to dump him for good. It would also be a good idea to see a Therapist in my opinion so that you can work through ALL of this. But that comes later. First, just leave him for good. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve MUCH, MUCH better. Please be kind to yourself! There are plenty of resources available for people who have been through Abuse or bad relationship experiences. I hope you'll make the BEST decision for yourself! Sending many safe, warm hugs for BOTH you, @Crazygrl882, your Family, your Friends and ALL Of your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING!

Here's a link to an article, from PC's archives, that talks about why we repeat the same dysfunctional relationship patterns:

Why Do We Repeat the Same Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns Over and Over? | Happily Imperfect

Just end the relationship. You're a priority and if he doesn't know how to make you a priority, then you don't deserve him. It now time to love yourself. And I hope you'll be able to find that one person who will make you feel you're the most important person in the world.

I went through your post and bolded the times he was controlling. I bolded and underlined all the times he is emotionally manipulating you. Why are you dealing with this? And why are you hurting yourself over him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazygrl882 I have been in an unhealthy relationship for the past 2 years. He is controlling and wants all of my time. I believe in having some of my own time. I have my own apartment we don’t live together. We would often fight about stuff like me not making him a priority because he Believes me giving me my time makes him a priority. Last year I went out of town and didn’t text him enough in his mind and only called once (it was a weekend out of town) and we had a huge fight. I said I was with my friends and didn’t want to be texting while with them. When he went out of town he would text non stop telling me everything he was doing. I didn’t do that but texted good morning and good night and did text a few times during the day. So I told him I disagreed and he broke up with me (which he always did when we fought) then came back and said sorry I want to be with you I love you then I went out with a friend and saw him parked outside my apartment when I got home like he was waiting for me. He looked passed out in his car. I went up to my apartment then texted him and asked where he was then got him to admit he was at my apartment. I broke up with him. We were apart 3 months and then he came back to me and said he stated therapy and working on anger and would change. I took him back and he planned this week long trip to Hawaii for us. It was great. So things were ok but I was still making sure to spend most weekends with him only one weekend day a month not with him and 3 days a week with him. He was helping me pay rent. I can survive without it but it helped a lot. He went back to old behavior and started the fighting. Then I met some new friends and he wasn’t happy. Then my dad died in March and then things got awful. He dumped me like 4 times then begged me to take him back saying sorrry I love you so much you’re everything to me. So then I would go back. But he would say such bad things to me and make me feel awful when we fought. Verbal abuse. We went to couples therapy with his therapist since January and it was always about how to make him feel like a priority. How I could change. He said he felt unloved and felt that I wasn’t a priority. He said he needed more time. He paid for my expenses to go back home to visit after my dad died and when I got back I had plans three weekends in a row so we only hung out one weekend day. He said I took advantage of him. That really bothered me. He was upset because I always have to ask to do something and then he says yes or no and one time he said yes then the next day blew up at me saying he’s not a priority my friend is the priority. I said but you said I could go and he said he made a mistake. The therapist said he needs to think before telling me yes or no. So things were bad and then he came up with this idea that we would see each other 2 days a week. He wouldn’t fight with me. I could do whatever I want on the days I don’t see him even date and we would see each other one weekend day and one week day. He was at my house one night and my neighbor stopped by and I had like a 2 minute conversation with him outside and he suddenly grabbed his stuff and stormed out and said to the guy you can have her. The next day he kept arguing with me over text. I told him he was wrong to storm out. IF he was upset about something we could have talked about it. He was my friend on Facebook and I had gone out with my friend Amanda and I wore this dress that’s not low cut but it’s kind of short. Like mid thigh. One night I was asleep and he woke me up at 4am and was getting his stuff and said I’m 36 not 16 and the dress was I appropriate. Then he asked if my friend is a lesbian and I said yes and he asked if I was f***ing her and said why don’t you go move in with her and let her take care of you. I said I’m not with her. He stormed out then came back and gave me my key he had and said were done. Then he came back again and wanted to fight and I said we’re broken up so leave. The next day I got endless texts about the dress. I asked so what is appropriate. He said I should know. He said that dress is appropriate if it’s him and me but not me out alone. He said I was out to attract men. I said I wasn’t. He wouldn’t listen. I had to tell him to stop texting me several times before he stopped. Then a few days later he said he wanted to work on stuff so we went to therapy. He said how much he loves me. Blah blah. I said I just wanted to talk. I brought up the dress and the blow ups and break ups. He had admitted he breaks up with me I order to manipulate me. I told the therapist I felt he is too controlling. She said he shouldn’t be telling me what to wear. He wouldn’t agree to this. He thought he was right. We talked about it a long time. So I got back with him and he promised to not blow up or break up. At this point I’m like unsure what to do. We had this trip planned so I didn’t want to cancel it. Then he got mad and said I am keeping him from my friends even though I planned all this stuff on the trip for him to meet good friends of mine from back home. I said what are you talking about? So I didn’t go to therapy that Friday because i Have an injury and the next time he saw me he had a sheet his therapist gave him with signs of a good relationship and signs of an unhealthy relationship and she had started some of them like controls what the other wears for example and said she wants me to come up with an example of if he’s done any of those things. I did it and came up with an example of every sign of an unhealthy relationship except physical abuse. He kept saying he was my rock after my dad died but he kept dumping me and fighting with me during this hard time. It has led me to cut and led me to drink more than usual because im so stressed. We went on the trip. 3 nights. We didn’t fight and he said he wants to be with me forever and loves me so much and I’m the one for him. He has admitted to having an anger problem he says he will work on. I want to get away from him. He puts me down with he fights with me and the control aspect is too much. Should I be asking permission to do something on a weekend or go out of town? I don’t think so. The night before we left for the trip he was telling me everything I did was wrong. I was sitting in the living room while he cooked. Then he said later why wasn’t I in the kitchen talking To him. I said well I wanted to elevate my foot. He said I could do that with pillows on a kitchen chair. He said why weren’t you talking to me. I said well you weren’t talking I thought you were busy cooking. He said he was waiting for me to talk. Just everything to make me feel bad. I don’t even think he realizes it. I can support myself for a while. I’m waiting for disability hearing. It’s taking forever. But is this worth it? This guy is out of control.

It sounds like you only go back to him because you can't support yourself. If you could support yourself and be independent you would leave him.

From everything you have said, it sounds like this guy is bad news and you really want to end it with him. As Open Eyes said, it seems you're only still with him because you need his financial support. Is that the case? If so, is there any friend or family you could turn to for help rather than him? This is not a good position for you to be in.