[MrsA]

I work for the family business and times are hard so we might lose everything if I slack off. My partner is an older sibling whom I believe to be a narcissist. She is the one I referred to in my post about a family member who goes around yelling curses every day.

Today, my sibling/business partner was unusually rude to me. Right afterwards, she ordered me to do some work on a new project that she is obsessed with. I don't feel like dropping everything to obey her orders because she does not have the right to act like she's my boss or expect my cooperation right after she was nasty to me. So I plan to refuse and take the rest of my Sunday off.

When she confronts me about not doing what she wanted, I am considering telling her that she can't treat me rudely and then order me around. I want to know if it is a bad idea to say somethings like that to a narcissist? She does have the power to retaliate, but I feel she is trying to set new standards of nastiness and entitlement in her relationship with me and control all aspects of the family business and properties.

Before anyone suggest I leave and get a new job, please believe that I am in serious financial trouble and don't have that option now. Does anyone with knowledge of experience with narcissists have an opinion on whether it is a mistake to tell a narcissist that I refuse because of the way they talked to me?

[MrsA]

Oops. I just did something impulsive. I was trying to get out of the kitchen to avoid the narcissist when they came and lost their temper while getting a salad. They said the F word as I was walking out and I muttered "idiot" a little too loud.

Originally Posted by MrsA

Today, my sibling/business partner was unusually rude to me. Right afterwards, she ordered me to do some work on a new project that she is obsessed with. I don't feel like dropping everything to obey her orders because she does not have the right to act like she's my boss or expect my cooperation right after she was nasty to me. So I plan to refuse and take the rest of my Sunday off.

When she confronts me about not doing what she wanted, I am considering telling her that she can't treat me rudely and then order me around. I want to know if it is a bad idea to say somethings like that to a narcissist?

I wouldn't bring feelings or accusations of rudeness into it. Just tell her, calmly and flatly, that you have more pressing issues you need to deal with. And then do those things.

Narcissists are pretty easy to handle once you realize that all they've got is emotional manipulation.

[MrsA]

Originally Posted by theoretical

Narcissists are pretty easy to handle once you realize that all they've got is emotional manipulation.

Really? I didn't see it that way. I suppose I would feel better if I saw her behavioral problems as a weakness that can be manipulated rather than something that plagues my life.

Thank you for your insight.

No problem.

[sarahsweets]

I wouldnt say anything about not wanting to do something because they were rude. I think that could backfire and make you look weak. I would just say something like you have more important things to do now so you cant do what she is asking you to do.

[MrMoose]

"… she ordered me to do some work on a new project that she is obsessed with…"

Having dealt with a difficult person who is now my ex-wife, I understand one basic problem in dealing with a narcissist: most people have an expectation that talking is an attempt at communication. For the narcissist it's an opportunity to impose their agenda.

So for instance, in communicating with a normal person, you might start with, "I'm upset that you were so rude…" and on the other side you would expect a response, “Ah! We are communicating! And I see that you are upset! I feel bad that you are upset! I went too far and I will now offer an apology and also an explanation of why project X seems so important.”

That doesn't work here. A narcissist's assumption starts with, "I don't care if you're upset. You don't matter. What you want doesn't matter. What you think is not worth considering. Only I matter. I should have a salad ‪for dinner tonight‬. My ideas are always correct and better than anyone’s. Why is this person wasting my time when I need to get to the gym? My project is more important than yours." ...and so on.

So, yes, I agree with other posters here: You can't communicate your feelings but you do have to draw a functional boundary and say you had other priorities, and leave it at that.

I have found "Power: Surviving and Thriving after Narcissistic Abuse" by S. Arabi to be helpful in understanding the problem, and I'm sure there are others--Psych Central is great for that too.

[divine1966]

If that’s something you do for a living even if it’s a family business, you might have to just do it while looking for another job or ways to get out of this business. If you might lose this business if you slack off, you might have to take this extra project and put up with this for awhile. Now it doesn’t mean anyone can be rude to you. Not at all. And you have rights for a day off.

[MickeyCheeky]

You can refuse to do that thing they've asked and you also don't owe her ANY explaination AT ALL, @MrsA! I COMPLETELY agree with what ALL the other wise, wonderful Posters have already wisely said BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! You don't need to mention your reasoning. Just tell her that you won't do it and perhaps make up some excuse or tell her that you're already busy with your current project and that you don't have the time to do what she's asked. I also agree with what divine1966 has already wisely said better than I ever could about trying to find another Job while you work on this one if you want to get away from that environment. That's just our Advice though! Please let us know how things turn out for you. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME you need it as well! I'm SURE plenty of Others will gladly help you out as well! Please keep us updated if you want and I hope you'll stand up for yourself to her as you have EVERY RIGHT to have yous Days Off just like EVERYONE ELSE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @MrsA, and ALL Of Your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING A SMUHC AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF!

[MrsA]

Originally Posted by MrMoose

A narcissist's assumption starts with, "I don't care if you're upset. You don't matter. What you want doesn't matter. What you think is not worth considering. Only I matter. I should have a salad ‪for dinner tonight‬. My ideas are always correct and better than anyone’s. Why is this person wasting my time when I need to get to the gym? My project is more important than yours." ...and so on.

Yes, I just sort of realized that. Yesterday I called her an idiot for swearing over her salad and I thought I had made a mistake. Today she is visibly trying not to swear loud enough for me to hear. So I realized that if a narcissist knows that cursing upsets me she wants to do it even more to feel her power. But when she realized that losiing it over a salad makes her look like an idiot, she tried to control her temper.

Thanks for your advice!

[MrsA]

Thanks @MickeyCheeky.

I did send out some job applications over the weekend but haven't heard anything yet so I have to stay for now and fight for fair treatment. I actually considered filing for binding arbitration because a family member is committing financial abuse by controlling of money that is rightfully mine, but I can't afford the fees. So I just have to be stubborn and refuse to cooperate if they are nasty. Thanks for the moral support.

[WishfulThinker66]

I am not so sure 'narcissist' is the correct label here. In my own experiences with them, their methods of coersion are more subtle. They use a combination of charisma, charm, and passive aggression to manipulate those around them. Yelling and screaming does not fit in with this. I am unsure what personality type you would assign to this individual.

But a label does not matter.

I do have some questions though as I am trying to wrap my head around the context here...

Does this person behave this way across the board? Are others treated in this manner? In what way do they react? Have you been able to discuss this with anyone? Is there someone you can confide in? Is there someone that can act as an advocate on your behalf if you were to confront her?

For many of us in an abusive situation, staying with the course is sometimes less frightening that making a leap to enact change. It is a case of the known being maybe easier than the unknown. This is a trap many - myself once included - fall into. It is why people stay in such a rut. I am really glad to learn you are then getting some resumes out. I would make other contingency plans too.

I wish you best of luck with this situation. We are on your side.

[Seafarer]

Originally Posted by MrMoose

"… she ordered me to do some work on a new project that she is obsessed with…"

Having dealt with a difficult person who is now my ex-wife, I understand one basic problem in dealing with a narcissist: most people have an expectation that talking is an attempt at communication. For the narcissist it's an opportunity to impose their agenda.

So for instance, in communicating with a normal person, you might start with, "I'm upset that you were so rude…" and on the other side you would expect a response, “Ah! We are communicating! And I see that you are upset! I feel bad that you are upset! I went too far and I will now offer an apology and also an explanation of why project X seems so important.”

That doesn't work here. A narcissist's assumption starts with, "I don't care if you're upset. You don't matter. What you want doesn't matter. What you think is not worth considering. Only I matter. I should have a salad ‪for dinner tonight‬. My ideas are always correct and better than anyone’s. Why is this person wasting my time when I need to get to the gym? My project is more important than yours." ...and so on.

So, yes, I agree with other posters here: You can't communicate your feelings but you do have to draw a functional boundary and say you had other priorities, and leave it at that.

I have found "Power: Surviving and Thriving after Narcissistic Abuse" by S. Arabi to be helpful in understanding the problem, and I'm sure there are others--Psych Central is great for that too.

You have hit the nail bang on the head, and totally captured the personality of a narcissist. I was in a relationship (I thought at the time it was a friendship) with one for a couple of years before I even knew what a narcissist was. Once it was pointed out to me by some members of another online community, I was able to check off all the personality traits they listed, just as you have done here.

I never understood why this guy and I weren't communicating, despite all our conversations. They weren't real two-way communication.

Thank you for your post.

[MrsA]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If that’s something you do for a living even if it’s a family business, you might have to just do it while looking for another job or ways to get out of this business. If you might lose this business if you slack off, you might have to take this extra project and put up with this for awhile. Now it doesn’t mean anyone can be rude to you. Not at all. And you have rights for a day off.

Yeah. That's the trouble. I'm really afraid to stop working because we might all end up homeless. But at the same time it feels futile because the money I earn goes to a family member who controls my life. So my efforts give them more power but lets me have a place to live. I've been applying for jobs for 5 years now with no luck. I'm listed as a partner so leaving the company looks like failure. I don't think I can get a job by telling an employer I've was cheated by a family member when I was young and I've been working for room and board for over a decade. When I need momey for things, I have to ask for it and they usually yell at me or insult me. I feel like this is the end of the road for me. I put my life's work into the family business and since I can't find another career I am trying to demand equality and actual pay which makes friends and family think I'm a *****. My sister tells people I'm simple and she looks after me.

Thanks for understanding why I have to keep working. People have called me codependent because I can't get out. But I have been trying for a long time. Sorry to go one, it's been really bad most of this week. I've been asking for a $6 memory card so I can use the camera for personal projects. They've denied it to me for 3+ years so I lost it and told someone why I was angry and now they probably think I'm nasty too. A memory card sounds petty, but my family don't let me have the same phones and electronics they use so I can't build a reputation online to try to get career opportunities. Now someone thinks I slandered my sibling over a memory card and wanting attention on social media. But the problem is my family made me invisible so I can't form new social networks or find support except anonymously.

[MrMoose]

Whether you want to use the label “narcissist” or not it’s pretty clear this person is awfully abusive. It’s not just that she insults you and berates you, it’s the control and the chipping away at any sense of stability and self-confidence. Her behavior is very clearly “financial abuse”—but how can money be used to abuse? Control, control, control. $6 for a memory card becomes a lever to control you with and you are right, it cuts you off electronically, and no, you are not overreacting, it’s a rotten thing to have to put up with.
It took me a year and a half to escape physically and another year and a half to escape legally. It helped to think about my allies in life—and I did a lot of reading and posting here to help me put up with the daily onslaught.