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Default Nov 17, 2019 at 05:18 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
It is a tough situation because you love your mother and want to honor her wishes but I think you should stand firm on not being there when your brother and sister-in-law are there. Mothers want there kids to get along but when they are adults, we just can't fix it anymore. I wasn't even able to fix it when they were little kids--fights have to run their course. If you cave you are allowing them to continue to act badly. You don't need this. It is uncomfortable when we stand up for ourselves but in the long run it makes us feel great. It is taking our power back. As my sister likes to say, "Girl power!!"
That is great advice.
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Default Nov 18, 2019 at 01:34 AM
  #22
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Also now called me a liar when I reminded her it wasn't the first time she'd said I was only interested in myself.
Truth hurts! If she does not have sympathy for what you are going through then you need to spend less time catering to her needs. I am not advocating totally abandoning her but now that you see what is going on, her guilt tripping will never work as well ever, ever again! She is upset because she has lost her power over you! I know how shocking it is to see truths like this. If guilting you stops working, she will either start acting nice or stay the same. If she stays the same, curtail your time with her. I know how hard it is. We feel sorry for people who are old and ill but we can't help them if we aren't in a healthy place ourselves. It is best to serve from the heart and not be forced.
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Default Nov 18, 2019 at 03:01 PM
  #23
Thanks for your support, it's really appreciated. Had a rotten night's sleep, not helped by an owl outside around 3am, lol!

Am looking at getting away for a few days over Christmas, trying to find a good deal. Not easy when there's only one of you. Don't particularly want a hotel, as just need to escape.

Have been tearful at various times during the day. Sad to reflect that I've a manipulative mother, who openly favours my brother because he doesn't answer back.

One decision I've made is to no longer cover up her actions. If she complains about my aunt's attitude then I'll tell her. Not taking the rap for someone else's behaviour just because my mother can't/won't deal with it herself. I'm also going to tell my brother what she's said about him.
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Default Nov 18, 2019 at 07:45 PM
  #24
You are in a very tough situation. My advice is to try and move on emotionally so that you are no longer upset about not getting an apology. You deserve one, but you also deserve to be free from the negative emotions that go along with not getting one and repeatedly thinking that you deserve one. To focus on it and the other things you can't control only keeps you from healing and finding peace.

All the best to you!
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Default Nov 21, 2019 at 02:39 PM
  #25
Thanks everyone, for your advice/comments.

When I called her yesterday evening, had to leave a message as she was on phone. Started again, when I reminded her we were due to go shopping today. The secondary issue was she'd forgotten but "had no intention of going anyway". Her attitude was still unacceptable, again saying I was selfish. I countered by saying how can I be when I've taken you to medical appointments etc. Her answer was your brother and sis-in-law think it's amazing what your doing. So why all this aggro?!

Then I rang my aunt. Only told her a fraction of the issue as she's got hearing problems. Her advice was don't desert my mother completely. Just take her to appointments, shopping, etc. My aunt was disappointed that her sister had been running her down to me and I was bearing the brunt of her failure to tell my aunt about perceived unacceptable behaviour. Will be interesting to find out what happened when they met today.

I am moving on. Still intend to go away for Christmas. Must find myself a cosy cottage somewhere!
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Default Nov 21, 2019 at 03:37 PM
  #26
The holidays are about a month away. What would you like to see happen? Would you like for the whole family to spend the day together in peace, love, and harmony? (Is that possible?). What would it take for that to happen? Do you want to have your mom celebrate with your brother and you go somewhere else?

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Default Nov 22, 2019 at 05:13 AM
  #27
An apology would be nice, but with time that's now elapsed and what I've been told by my mother, that isn't going to happen.

I don't want to be in a toxic environment, frightened to say or do anything that would cause everything to kick off again. Previous years experiences have not been enjoyable. Sister-in-law shouting at my mother and me because we haven't reacted instantly to her dictating attitude. I've appreciated being invited there, but always seems to come with conditions attached.

Rather than apologise they've suggested my mother spends Christmas Day with me, then Boxing Day with them. This is cause of latest problem as I don't agree with this arrangement. Call me harsh but appreciate my mother is stuck in the middle. However, the apology is only way to move this on.
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Default Nov 22, 2019 at 09:56 AM
  #28
“Sister-in-law shouting at my mother and me because we haven't reacted instantly to her dictating attitude.”

^I personally can’t stand when someone does that to me! That was the very reason many of my mom’s dinner parties were outrageously stressful and sometimes fireworks flew between her and other family members. (I was able to laugh it off and not have a meltdown when my mom did it). If someone is going to bark orders at you, there is nothing you can do to make then stop, change, and respect you.

After months since she nearly hit you, she’s certainly not felt remorse and chosen to apologize. Coercing one out of here isn’t going to feel good. She probably still won’t apologize, even if forced. I can imagine you having her pinned to the floor with a fist to her head beating an apology out of her, lol. Forget it, you can’t get this satisfaction.

I had this experience myself with my sister. I certainly never got the apology, even when my husband begged her to. She only got meaner. We haven’t ever spoken again and it’s been a year. This was a wonderful, perfect relationship. We never had one disagreement before. Then over one small conflict, no more sister.

We don’t have Boxing Day in the US. I can imagine your Boxing Day to be you wearing boxing gloves and punching your SIL, lol.

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Default Nov 23, 2019 at 08:13 AM
  #29
Would love to pin her to the floor but that's condoning her behaviour. Know it's wrong but I laughed at your comment. Thanks for the lighter moment; not something to share with my mother though.....

Boxing Day here in the UK is day after Christmas Day. More laid back, it's now become day for soccer matches and retail sales; some people often sleeping outside shops to secure bargains. Our equivalent of Black Friday. Not sure how it got name but don't think fisticuffs was involved!
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Default Nov 23, 2019 at 02:08 PM
  #30
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Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
Truth hurts! If she does not have sympathy for what you are going through then you need to spend less time catering to her needs. I am not advocating totally abandoning her but now that you see what is going on, her guilt tripping will never work as well ever, ever again! She is upset because she has lost her power over you! I know how shocking it is to see truths like this. If guilting you stops working, she will either start acting nice or stay the same. If she stays the same, curtail your time with her. I know how hard it is. We feel sorry for people who are old and ill but we can't help them if we aren't in a healthy place ourselves. It is best to serve from the heart and not be forced.
That is awesome advice.
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Default Nov 26, 2019 at 11:01 AM
  #31
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Thanks for your support, it's really appreciated. Had a rotten night's sleep, not helped by an owl outside around 3am, lol!

Am looking at getting away for a few days over Christmas, trying to find a good deal. Not easy when there's only one of you. Don't particularly want a hotel, as just need to escape.

Have been tearful at various times during the day. Sad to reflect that I've a manipulative mother, who openly favours my brother because he doesn't answer back.

One decision I've made is to no longer cover up her actions. If she complains about my aunt's attitude then I'll tell her. Not taking the rap for someone else's behaviour just because my mother can't/won't deal with it herself. I'm also going to tell my brother what she's said about him.
I go through this with my family.
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Default Dec 13, 2019 at 10:54 AM
  #32
Well, surprisingly or not, I've had a Christmas card and present. Card's the usual blurb about being a very special sister. My aunt's told me that brother and sis-in-law told my mother she could do what she wants for Christmas. A nice cop out!

I'm spending Christmas day with my mother, then day after with aunt. As I said to both of them, "at least we won't be dragged out of bed at six am!"

Mother, ever dramatic, stated that someone's taken a big knife to this family and sliced it down the middle. We tried to go out shopping the other day, but she had a health problem due to the very cold wind. Had to go back home. Asked me not to tell brother about it.

Thinking back over various Christmases and other occasions, it's obvious sis-in-law has wanted all the plaudits. Well, now she can do what she likes this year and receive all the praise! As and when opportunity arises, I will let other family members know the real reason why I'm not welcome there anymore. May seem vindictive, but I'm sure some story will be made up, rather than telling the truth.

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to you all. Hoping for a peaceful new year!
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Default Dec 15, 2019 at 10:55 AM
  #33
Typical! Just when I give an update, get more to report.

Another discussion with mother yesterday. She admitted brother and sis-in-law are doing more work on their house, so SIL suggested she sleep on recliner chair in lounge if she stays with them. An arthritic 84 year old on a chair that isn't automatic, when she doesn't have the body strength to operate it; don't think so! I knew the truth would come out at some stage. My aunt has said she shouldn't tell my brother that she's not staying 'cos of sleeping arrangements. My reaction was how selfish. For once it seems my mother is actually going to stand up for herself.

Could have said a lot more but don't think my mother can take it. Of course she's disappointed at not seeing her granddaughter on Christmas Day, but I reminded her that kids these days know their own minds. She's now 14 and has more integrity than her parents and some relatives. Plus she doesn't want to be spending all her time with older relatives (snapchat, Xbox, etc!!). She'll find her own way to say that Gran and Auntie aren't forgotten, even if we can't be together. Not use bulls***t like her parents do.
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Default Dec 27, 2019 at 02:38 PM
  #34
Thankfully, Christmas/holiday over for another year! Very interesting time with more pieces of this puzzle being revealed.

Monday before Christmas, brother and sis-in-law took mother out for early dinner. She was able see her granddaughter too. When they'd gone home, she opened cards. The one from him read "to a special Mum from your Son" and "you're the only important one at this time". The picture was very dark (a sympathy card when someone has died is brighter). My mother was very upset at the wording, although he'd put his wife's name inside. Very odd, as in the past she had colourful cards with wording such as "to a very special Mum" or "to a wonderful Mum". Sometimes we can't always find the ideal card, but usually say "sorry card isn't what we wanted to get".

When she showed me on Christmas Eve, was obvious how upset she was. I said it was very odd to send a card like that. Mother now wondering if it was done deliberately. My view was it's possible, given sis-in-law's unacceptable behaviour towards me. Mother now wondering if she's trying to isolate her too.
Have also found out that as well as spending today with sis-in-law's older daughter (not my brother's child), they'll be there New Years Eve too.

Mother will be tackling him about the card sometime in the future. Our discussion was very frank, although I didn't tell her everything that had been said in past. She's also not surprised that he hasn't apologised to me and didn't argue when I said he'd lied to her. Very sad that he now has no respect for his mother too.
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Default Dec 31, 2019 at 08:44 PM
  #35
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Well, surprisingly or not, I've had a Christmas card and present. Card's the usual blurb about being a very special sister. My aunt's told me that brother and sis-in-law told my mother she could do what she wants for Christmas. A nice cop out!

I'm spending Christmas day with my mother, then day after with aunt. As I said to both of them, "at least we won't be dragged out of bed at six am!"

Mother, ever dramatic, stated that someone's taken a big knife to this family and sliced it down the middle. We tried to go out shopping the other day, but she had a health problem due to the very cold wind. Had to go back home. Asked me not to tell brother about it.

Thinking back over various Christmases and other occasions, it's obvious sis-in-law has wanted all the plaudits. Well, now she can do what she likes this year and receive all the praise! As and when opportunity arises, I will let other family members know the real reason why I'm not welcome there anymore. May seem vindictive, but I'm sure some story will be made up, rather than telling the truth.

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to you all. Hoping for a peaceful new year!
I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. You don't deserve this treatment.
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Default Dec 31, 2019 at 08:47 PM
  #36
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Typical! Just when I give an update, get more to report.

Another discussion with mother yesterday. She admitted brother and sis-in-law are doing more work on their house, so SIL suggested she sleep on recliner chair in lounge if she stays with them. An arthritic 84 year old on a chair that isn't automatic, when she doesn't have the body strength to operate it; don't think so! I knew the truth would come out at some stage. My aunt has said she shouldn't tell my brother that she's not staying 'cos of sleeping arrangements. My reaction was how selfish. For once it seems my mother is actually going to stand up for herself.

Could have said a lot more but don't think my mother can take it. Of course she's disappointed at not seeing her granddaughter on Christmas Day, but I reminded her that kids these days know their own minds. She's now 14 and has more integrity than her parents and some relatives. Plus she doesn't want to be spending all her time with older relatives (snapchat, Xbox, etc!!). She'll find her own way to say that Gran and Auntie aren't forgotten, even if we can't be together. Not use bulls***t like her parents do.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I agree with what you said about your niece.
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Default Dec 31, 2019 at 08:49 PM
  #37
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Thankfully, Christmas/holiday over for another year! Very interesting time with more pieces of this puzzle being revealed.

Monday before Christmas, brother and sis-in-law took mother out for early dinner. She was able see her granddaughter too. When they'd gone home, she opened cards. The one from him read "to a special Mum from your Son" and "you're the only important one at this time". The picture was very dark (a sympathy card when someone has died is brighter). My mother was very upset at the wording, although he'd put his wife's name inside. Very odd, as in the past she had colourful cards with wording such as "to a very special Mum" or "to a wonderful Mum". Sometimes we can't always find the ideal card, but usually say "sorry card isn't what we wanted to get".

When she showed me on Christmas Eve, was obvious how upset she was. I said it was very odd to send a card like that. Mother now wondering if it was done deliberately. My view was it's possible, given sis-in-law's unacceptable behaviour towards me. Mother now wondering if she's trying to isolate her too.
Have also found out that as well as spending today with sis-in-law's older daughter (not my brother's child), they'll be there New Years Eve too.

Mother will be tackling him about the card sometime in the future. Our discussion was very frank, although I didn't tell her everything that had been said in past. She's also not surprised that he hasn't apologised to me and didn't argue when I said he'd lied to her. Very sad that he now has no respect for his mother too.
It possible. She sound very manipulative and controlling person.
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Default Jan 11, 2020 at 05:24 PM
  #38
Why am I not surprised by today's events?!

On Thursday my aunt visited my mother (her sister) as usual. Aunt in "bossy" mood, commenting that mother still had Christmas decorations out, then was rude to her. In a phone call yesterday evening and in person today, my mother was complaining about my aunt's attitude. Somehow, the conversation expanded to include situation with my brother and SIL. Mother's accusatory tone caused me to remind her about comments in early December, about me apologising to SIL for her lashing out at me. Mother denied it, then suggested I get the bible so she could swear on it. Culmination was mother's tears, possibly done to make me feel guilty/admit lying (which I wasn't).

It's nothing new, but realise my mother is a coward. She finds it easier to berate me for the actions of others. What I've said now is that as soon as anything unacceptable is said, then I will deal with it at the time, not some weeks later.
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Default Jan 11, 2020 at 05:46 PM
  #39
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You are in a very tough situation. My advice is to try and move on emotionally so that you are no longer upset about not getting an apology. You deserve one, but you also deserve to be free from the negative emotions that go along with not getting one and repeatedly thinking that you deserve one. To focus on it and the other things you can't control only keeps you from healing and finding peace.

All the best to you!
That is great advice
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Default Jan 11, 2020 at 05:49 PM
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Why am I not surprised by today's events?!

On Thursday my aunt visited my mother (her sister) as usual. Aunt in "bossy" mood, commenting that mother still had Christmas decorations out, then was rude to her. In a phone call yesterday evening and in person today, my mother was complaining about my aunt's attitude. Somehow, the conversation expanded to include situation with my brother and SIL. Mother's accusatory tone caused me to remind her about comments in early December, about me apologising to SIL for her lashing out at me. Mother denied it, then suggested I get the bible so she could swear on it. Culmination was mother's tears, possibly done to make me feel guilty/admit lying (which I wasn't).

It's nothing new, but realise my mother is a coward. She finds it easier to berate me for the actions of others. What I've said now is that as soon as anything unacceptable is said, then I will deal with it at the time, not some weeks later.
I'm sorry that you had to go through that. You didn't deserve that.
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