Need some input

Ok, so about 3 years ago I met a woman and over those 3 years we became very good friends. Recently her father died and she leaned on me quite a bit. In our "chats" she explained she has trust issues with men due to a divorce and then dated a guy who turned out t be married. Real recently I had planned to leave my job, and of course I was upset thinking I wouldn't see her again. I talked to her before I left and we both opened up a bit about how we felt about each other. My boss, after 10 days, talked me into coming back, so naturally I just wanted to say hi to her, and let her know I was back, at which time she went bonkers, and later said she was creeped out by me stopping by and saying hi. I think she may be struggling with her feelings but has become very hard with her previous trust issues. In fact I thin it even makes her mad that has these feelings. So what say you?

Welcome @Toto54

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toto54 Ok, so about 3 years ago I met a woman and over those 3 years we became very good friends. Recently her father died and she leaned on me quite a bit. In our "chats" she explained she has trust issues with men due to a divorce and then dated a guy who turned out t be married. Real recently I had planned to leave my job, and of course I was upset thinking I wouldn't see her again. I talked to her before I left and we both opened up a bit about how we felt about each other. My boss, after 10 days, talked me into coming back, so naturally I just wanted to say hi to her, and let her know I was back, at which time she went bonkers, and later said she was creeped out by me stopping by and saying hi. I think she may be struggling with her feelings but has become very hard with her previous trust issues. In fact I thin it even makes her mad that has these feelings. So what say you?

I was unclear but do you work with her? Did you decide to end the relationship or continue it?

I work with her and had Hope's we could continue a good friendship, at the least. Don't think I can stand to be near her now.

BTW, I now look at her as sort of a black widow.

It sounds like you did not warn her that you were coming back but instead just showed up at her desk during work.

If that is what happened:

She believed and trusted that you were gone. A person with major trust issues could have seen your sudden reappearance as not only a shock but a breach of trust. You said you were gone and then without warning you showed up again.

What would you think of apologizing to her?

Well, makes some sense I guess. But I'm still wondering if perhaps she has some feelings there and frankly it scares her enough to go the other way.

I don't know about that, but how interested are you (if at all) in finding out?

In all honesty I am, but how does one do that after being pushed away so hard?

Well, I COMPLETELY agree with what the wise and wonderful Bill3 and sarahsweets have already WISELY AND WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I EVER COULD!! It seems like she was upset by this for some reason so perhaps apologize for her and talk to her about what happened. Hopefully that will rebuild some of the trust she has in you and she'll be able to better explain what happened! It is not your fault of course - but if you're interested in keeping her as a friend at least it's best to bring up the subject sooner than later in my opinion! So please, give it a try if you're interested in a friendship with her. That's just our opinion of course! Do what you feel like doing. Be kind to her and your yourself! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need someone to talk to or vent to or even just advice and support! I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY, KINDLY, WISELY and WONDERFULLY help you out as well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You And hER, @Toto54, Your Family, Your Friends And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!!

My thought is to find a calm moment to apologize for surprising her and for not informing her. Express the hope that you two can be friends again like you were in the past.

After that, be ultra steady with her, no more surprises.

See if she will get coffee or have lunch with you.

This may or may not make her friendly again, but that’s the best I have to offer fwiw. Good luck!

Thank you all so much, I'll let things calm down a bit and see where it goes. If it goes forward with friendship, perfect. If not I have to trust she is scared of intimacy from past trust issues, and at point just be friendly but back off some. Make sense?

Makes sense to me.

Thanks bill3

So a little bit ago I went hr about this, and the fact that my character was assinated by her co-worker at her office. Naturally I had to tell the co-worker what I thought of that, and of course I'm the bad guy. What really kills me is the one I've been writing about lied through her teeth, all in an effort to not lose her job, and I can prove that. So instead of risking her job, I risked mine a basically took a bullet and got written up. The odd thing is HR admitted that they think there is more to this story but I kept silent.

In the end I want to thank you all for the good advice, but I believe I'm just going to avoid this woman at all cost as I feel she is dangerous to me, but unfortunately to herself, and frankly I care too much to watch.

Not sure what you're saying bill

I’m sad that this is what happened, that you had to deal with hr and that she lied.

That emoji is a virtual hug for a sad/hurt person, which I am taking you to be at the moment.

Very much so. But I cant let it ruin the rest of my life. We had a close enough relationship that I can honestly say I love her, I'll miss her, and ill always care and be concerned for her. What else can one do, at some point you have to love enough to let go.

Let ask a stupid question, is it possible for a woman to say, with a sincerity she has feelings for you and then a week later she says she switched it off? Does that even make any sense?

Yes I think that is possible. I have had that happen to me numerous times in my life

I have Bipolar and maybe “ a bit “ of it was that but I think more of it was I kind of got overwhelmed because something happened weird or out of the blue and like self preservation kicks in and I’d totally flip my feelings.

My first husband cheated on me so I was very suspicious of anyone I’d allow them to get to know me more. So it was on my end not there’s.

I’m sorry that she has you questioning her feelings.

Maybe just give her space and see how things play out ?

Just as a little update, it has now been 3 months since the big blow up and we have not spoken one word to each other PERIOD. I tried once to get her attention to just say I'm sorry for what happened, what does she do, goes to HR to say I was trying to talk to her. The good news was, the HR director told her to stop acting like a child that maybe I was trying to say something about work, which is possible, or that I was trying to apologize; which I thought was sorta funny that she would be so dumb as to put herself deeper in the hole. So anyways, 3 months and not a word, the one thing it has made me realize is that she is very childish to still be avoiding this issue, and not speaking at all. Either that or she does have feelings for me, knows it but doesn't want to re-kindle so to speak, or maybe both, I don't know anymore. All I know is if someone, anyone could not speak to someone for 3 months after you were that close, something is off. As I said either she is mentally got problems or the other

HR told her to stop acting like a child? What kind of HR speaks like that?

Did HR tell you what they talked to her about ?

YES AND YES. It needs to be said that she is on their watch list as apparantly there has been some issues from before I was there. Anyways, all I know is 2 weeks ago I was talking to, what we'll call woman 2 who is just someone I work with also, and woman 1 walked out the door behind me and I didn't know it til I heard the door shut. Later woman 2 was near woman 1 during a break tried to make conversation with woman 1 but woman wouldn't have any of it. Can someone say jealous? I'm telling you I'm starting to believe in the fact that she is a narcissist. For sure I know it's over but man I'd just to know if she is a narcy, or does she have feelings for me but is afraid to show it?

I don’t believe you are supposed to know that this woman is on HR’s watch list or what they talked to her about. If this HR gossips like this about her, I wonder what they say to others about you.

I’d advice to stop obsession with these women at work and if they are jealous or have feelings for you (why all of a sudden?). Not speaking to you at work doesn’t make her childish or is a sign of her having feelings for you. She isn’t obligated to speak to you even if it hurts your feelings. It’s a work place not social club

It seems like everyone in your work place has too much time on their hands to socialize and worry about romance and gossip (all including HR people!). Just focus on your work task. Don’t know what you do for a living but I barely have time to use the bathroom all day. I never had a job where I had that much or actually any time for other stuff at work.

I’d just focus on work task from now on