[Saishaa]

...Hi everyone!! So I've only made one post here before which talked about my relationship with my father. But i couldn't really put a lot of details in that post of just how my father behaves and how it effects me and i wanted to write about that because I've pretty much reached my breaking point..
( Warning: this will be very long. But id be grateful if you just took the time to respond)

I'll start with today's outburst. The thing with my father is, you never know what will set him off. It could be that his food was too hot or too cold or he lost his keys or he was just irritated for whatever reason. But when something sets him off i know he'll take his anger out on my mother or me.
Today it started because i didn't go to school cause i was sick. He came to my room, yanked my head up by my hair and asked me why i didn't go with his teeth gritted. I could tell he was pissed so i tried to be calm but he was pulling my hair and it hurt. He kept asking me the same question and i gave him the same answer and he would just tell me i was a liar, a cheat etc everytime. And he yanked my hair with every answer till i got frustrated by it and yelled at him. Now he started yelling too, calling me names and throwing things. I don't even know why but i yelled for my mom. When she came to my room he made up this story about how "that piece of filth" had yelled at him even though he just asked me a question.

At this point I was in this weird state of my mind I'm in sometimes where all i can feel is panic and i can just cry and barely even form coherent sentences. Like I just want to hurt myself so i pull my hair or scratch my skin or something and there's just one thought on a loop in my head like "stop stop stop" so that's what I kept saying to him. I kept crying just telling him to stop please and then my mom yelled at me to shut up because what would the neighbours think?
Now i mentioned that he usually takes his anger out on mumma or me but whenever his outbursts are directed at Mumma i do my absolute best to defend her and just let him take all his anger out on me. And whenever she's crying i always try to comfort her however i can. And the fact that she would yell at me just really pushed me over the edge and i started crying so loudly, just hitting myself and pulling my hair.
My father started mocking me, he got on the ground and imitated my sobs and mumma just kept yelling at me "are u insane? Have u lost your mind ?? You disgust me" etc
I don't really even remember what happened after that. Like I just blanked out. I remember my father got me a kitchen knife and told me to cut myself with that instead and i remember that i tried to get up from the bed but he just kept pushing me down, calling me a ***** and dirt and animal and all those names. But i dont remember when and how he left my room.

I do remember sitting in my room just crying my eyes out. And i remember my father coming into my room every half an hour to tell me stop the dramatics, nobody said anything to me, that i deserved everything he did because i was the most ungrateful, selfish, disobedient, self absorbed animal etc. And i remember my mom passing by my room, watching me cry and just walking away. When i tried to talk to her about it after my father had left for work she told me i made a big deal out of nothing and i was wasting her time.
After that all i can think about is how desperately i want to die. I just want to stop existing. Usually, when i have these thoughts some time later i realise i have a lot to live for, but after today i really don't. It's funny because my father has been way worse than this before but my mother's words really took something out of me. Now I'm just looking forward to a time when i can gather enough courage to kill myself.

[TunedOut]

This is heartbreaking. You are feeling suicidal because you are powerless. It is the only thing you have control of right now because you are being abused. Sometimes the idea of death feels better than our current situation but your situation will not last forever. Remember, that none of this is your fault despite what you have been told. You would not feel this way if you had not been treated this way with no way to defend yourself for a very long time. I am sorry your mother did not have the courage to properly defend you. She's knows deep down inside that you are being abused (and she is being abused too)--this may be one reason she cries. Sadly, she will pay a price for not standing up for you. You can be proud that you have tried to defend her but you are in a no win situation. You mother is the adult and since she is not being a good ally, I recommend just laying low. When you have the urge to defend her, try to remember that your help will not "help" until she finds her own courage. Resist feeling responsible for your parents. They have not earned that.

I am not sure what social services are available to you in India. Are there school counselors you can talk to? You are in a dangerous situation and need to figure out how to save yourself. You need help from someone outside of your family. You current family situation is damaging your mind, body and spirit. I will pray for you. Try not to give up hope. You are brave, intelligent and compassionate but are being abused. While you formulate a plan to escape, lay low, say little, stay out of the line of fire. Stay safe. You can figure this out. Are you an adult yet?

I am glad you are writing about it here. This can be a safe place to get things out and a good place to get advice. Please remember you are not a liar, cheat or any other names you have been called though sometimes people in your situation are forced to lie in order to not face the wrath of terrible people. You are in a no win situation. Try not to believe what he told you. You are a wonderful person facing a sick, sick individual. That sickness is also effecting your mom. I am sorry you are alone. Praying for you.

[Saishaa]

Originally Posted by TunedOut

This is heartbreaking. You are feeling suicidal because you are powerless. It is the only thing you have control of right now because you are being abused. Sometimes the idea of death feels better than our current situation but your situation will not last forever. Remember, that none of this is your fault despite what you have been told. You would not feel this way if you had not been treated this way with no way to defend yourself for a very long time. I am sorry your mother did not have the courage to properly defend you. She's knows deep down inside that you are being abused (and she is being abused too)--this may be one reason she cries. Sadly, she will pay a price for not standing up for you. You can be proud that you have tried to defend her but you are in a no win situation. You mother is the adult and since she is not being a good ally, I recommend just laying low. When you have the urge to defend her, try to remember that your help will not "help" until she finds her own courage. Resist feeling responsible for your parents. They have not earned that.

I am not sure what social services are available to you in India. Are there school counselors you can talk to? You are in a dangerous situation and need to figure out how to save yourself. You need help from someone outside of your family. You current family situation is damaging your mind, body and spirit. I will pray for you. Try not to give up hope. You are brave, intelligent and compassionate but are being abused. While you formulate a plan to escape, lay low, say little, stay out of the line of fire. Stay safe. You can figure this out. Are you an adult yet?

I am glad you are writing about it here. This can be a safe place to get things out and a good place to get advice. Please remember you are not a liar, cheat or any other names you have been called though sometimes people in your situation are forced to lie in order to not face the wrath of terrible people. You are in a no win situation. Try not to believe what he told you. You are a wonderful person facing a sick, sick individual. That sickness is also effecting your mom. I am sorry you are alone. Praying for you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. You have no idea how much I've been dying just for some kind words. Thank you so much .
And to be honest I can't get the idea of suicide put of my mind. It just sounds like the only way I could be happy. But there's a part of me that still thinks things could turn around somehow and I'm trying to hold on to that thought.
As for the counselor thing, i do want to talk to my school counselor but i just feel terrified that she won't believe me or that she'll tell my parents or something. I did confide on a counsellor who was actually my father's friend and she told my father everything and the consequences were....bad. But i do want to just take a chance and let it all out because that will probably atleast give me some relief.

Anyway thank you again for reaching out because i needed it and you're an amazing person

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by Saishaa

But there's a part of me that still thinks things could turn around somehow and I'm trying to hold on to that thought.

As for the counselor thing, i do want to talk to my school counselor but i just feel terrified that she won't believe me or that she'll tell my parents or something. I did confide on a counsellor who was actually my father's friend and she told my father everything and the consequences were....bad.

Keep knowing that you are amazing and that eventually, you will go on to do good things.

I am sorry that the counselor made it worse. Now you know that she is not a safe person to go to ever again. That you tried to get helps speaks to how brave you are. I will pray that you can find the right help. It is especially hard when children are mistreated because when their parents are the abuser, the institutional rules alert the abuser. Sometimes abusers "double down" (act even worse toward the person who was wronged but do it secretly ) in order to silence their accuser. Telling on an abuser can be dangerous but keep quietly looking for help. Hugs.

[TishaBuv]

Your father is extremely abusive with an anger issue. I don’t know if there is any support in India for a young person in your situation like there is (somewhat) in America. I can only recommend you survive this situation by staying out of his wrath, and get out to live on your own as soon as possible.

“I can't get the idea of suicide put of my mind. It just sounds like the only way I could be happy.”

^This is faulty thinking because there is no happiness if you are no longer alive. You cease to exist. The end. Suicide is not the answer, survival is.

When people experience abuse and trauma, sometimes they themselves act in bad ways toward the other victims involved. I’m speaking about your mother. I didn’t read exactly what you wrote because I’m afraid it will trigger me and I have been through trauma, so I can get triggered. .

Keep learning, growing, having enjoyment where you can find it. Stay safe. Have you seen Harry Potter? Pretend you have an invisibility cloak.

[MickeyCheeky]

Yes, definitely reach out to someone if you can, @Saishaa, this is SERIOUS stuff! You deserve to live a better life so please hang on even though I realize it is IMMENSELY hard! It won't last forever. Your School Counsellor is a good place to start with. Speak out to them!! You do need to vent and to get help. Hopefully they'll be able to help you somehow. Not all School Counsellors are bad and hopefully this one will help. It's worth trying! If he/she will listen to you and try to help, the reward will be immensely satisfying to you. Please reach out to ANYONE - Counsellors, teachers... anyone. Any friend you can turn up to? Any other relativews who can help! Give it a thought! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Saishaa, your Family, your Friends, your Mother, your Teachers, your School Counsellors, your Doctors, your Relatives and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Your father is extremely abusive with an anger issue. I don’t know if there is any support in India for a young person in your situation like there is (somewhat) in America. I can only recommend you survive this situation by staying out of his wrath, and get out to live on your own as soon as possible.

“I can't get the idea of suicide put of my mind. It just sounds like the only way I could be happy.”

^This is faulty thinking because there is no happiness if you are no longer alive. You cease to exist. The end. Suicide is not the answer, survival is.

When people experience abuse and trauma, sometimes they themselves act in bad ways toward the other victims involved. I’m speaking about your mother. I didn’t read exactly what you wrote because I’m afraid it will trigger me and I have been through trauma, so I can get triggered. .

Keep learning, growing, having enjoyment where you can find it. Stay safe. Have you seen Harry Potter? Pretend you have an invisibility cloak.

[luvyrself]

Do they have suicide help lines in India? Do you have an aunt uncle or some other family member you could contact for help?HOW OLD ARE YOU?
Do you have a close school friend you could stay with? Do they have domestic abuse shelters in India where you and your mother could go? Could you and /or your mother get jobs? Is there a nice police officer who could help you?Could you go to a church and ask for help?
This might be a lot more complicated, but SOMEONE HERE ON THE FORUMS WHO LIVES IN INDIA MIGHT BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU SOME IDEAS.
PEOPLE FROM INDIA, WRITE SOMETHING NOW TO HELP THIS GIRL!!!!!!!
Once we had two people from Italy help each other. SPEAK UP PEOPLE!

[Mendingmysoul]

This kid has already reached out to school counselor and had some consequences again because the counselor told the parents about the complaint.Kid seems to be in a tougher situation than we realize.

[luvyrself]

[QUOTE=Mendingmysoul;6697534]This kid has already reached out to school counselor and had some consequences again because the counselor told the parents about the complaint.Kid seems to be in a tougher situation than we realize.——-
I think we do realize how serious this is. That is why I asked her age so I could suggest a viable course of action.

[Mendingmysoul]

She mentioned she is 15 in another post.It would be really nice if somebody is able to help her in this crisis.

[Saishaa]

[QUOTE=luvyrself;6697566]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

This kid has already reached out to school counselor and had some consequences again because the counselor told the parents about the complaint.Kid seems to be in a tougher situation than we realize.——-
I think we do realize how serious this is. That is why I asked her age so I could suggest a viable course of action.

I'm 16 and no, there aren't any relatives who could help out. To give you a little context, in india, even if your husband is abusive, the general line of thinking is that you DO NOT leave your husband because that will bring a lot of shame to your family. My mother has considered leaving my father but she always gets scared because we truly have nowhere to go. Even my mom's business is on my father's property and he keeps threatening to take it away. And my mother is rarely ever allowed to even visit her parents or friends because then my father thinks that she isn't giving HIM enough attention.
Abd i just want to take a moment to thank you for writing this. The support I've received on this forum has been overwhelming honestly.

[luvyrself]

What is your mom’s business? Could she do it at a different location or start an Internet business?
I suggest you get in touch w an online suicide help resource if their are no phone help resources in India.
Work as hard at school as you can. Education is a way out that many, many people use in the US to work their way out of bad situations —-poverty, abuse. Getting a job at the same time would help you in your long term exit strategy. Even if your dad takes the money, you would gain important job skills. Learn what you need to in school and work to help your mom start an internet business.
Help us out here, you folks from India. What would you do if this were you? Could she earn a scholarship for college?

[lizardlady]

Saishaa, does India have some sort of child protective services? If so, you could call them and report your father. In the US the reports can be anonymous.

As for you urges to suicide. I had similar feelings due to abuse at home. Hard as it is, please hang in there. Life can get better. Does India have a suicide crisis line you could call?

[Mendingmysoul]

Saishaa,please do not choose to self harm.You are a smart kid and smart kids make smart choices.Self harm isn't one.We all care and pray for you.First and foremost,Eat well sleep well,exercise and stay healthy.You need to be strong to survive this.God bless you.

[ZenStream]

[QUOTE=Saishaa;6698062]

Originally Posted by luvyrself

I'm 16 and no, there aren't any relatives who could help out. To give you a little context, in india, even if your husband is abusive, the general line of thinking is that you DO NOT leave your husband because that will bring a lot of shame to your family. My mother has considered leaving my father but she always gets scared because we truly have nowhere to go. Even my mom's business is on my father's property and he keeps threatening to take it away. And my mother is rarely ever allowed to even visit her parents or friends because then my father thinks that she isn't giving HIM enough attention.
Abd i just want to take a moment to thank you for writing this. The support I've received on this forum has been overwhelming honestly.

Hello Saishaa,


You, your little brother and your mom have a serious problem in your father. Given the cultural context, your options are pretty limited. Your mother siding with your father in the last abusive episode that your described is pretty horrific and indicative of how much your father has worn your mother down.


It's your mom's job to be looking for ways to deflect abuse from the kids and to find a way out of the mess.


Running with 2 kids in tow and in school is not quite the same thing in India as it might be elsewhere in the world. And the "shame" factor tends to lock many people into bad situations. However, things are changing in India as well.


Were your parents married as a result of an arranged marriage? If not, your mom has less leeway with asking her side of the family for support.


Regardless, you do have the child help line available to you. And it would be a good idea to check around what is available to you online in your area of India as well.

[Saishaa]

[QUOTE=ZenStream;6698932]

Originally Posted by Saishaa

Hello Saishaa,


You, your little brother and your mom have a serious problem in your father. Given the cultural context, your options are pretty limited. Your mother siding with your father in the last abusive episode that your described is pretty horrific and indicative of how much your father has worn your mother down.


It's your mom's job to be looking for ways to deflect abuse from the kids and to find a way out of the mess.


Running with 2 kids in tow and in school is not quite the same thing in India as it might be elsewhere in the world. And the "shame" factor tends to lock many people into bad situations. However, things are changing in India as well.


Were your parents married as a result of an arranged marriage? If not, your mom has less leeway with asking her side of the family for support.


Regardless, you do have the child help line available to you. And it would be a good idea to check around what is available to you online in your area of India as well.

Thank you for writing this. And yes, my parents did have an arranged marriage. As a matter of fact, my grandparents didn't even ask for my mother's permission before they married her off and she went along with it to be a good daughter. That's one of the main reasons she hasn't taken much action against him. There's this cultural belief that breaking off a marriage will bring unimaginable shame to you and your family if you're the woman.
As for child services, I'm pretty sure child services in India won't do much if a child isn't beaten black and blue. This is an assumption but its pretty accurate one because i talked to my school counselor today and she basically told me I'm gonna have to stick it out till i can move away

[Saishaa]

Update: i talked to my school counselor who has advised me to stick it out till i can go to college. I wrote more about this in another post but over here, i just wanted to thank everyone for the support which has truly ben overwhelming.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Saishaa

...Hi everyone!! So I've only made one post here before which talked about my relationship with my father. But i couldn't really put a lot of details in that post of just how my father behaves and how it effects me and i wanted to write about that because I've pretty much reached my breaking point..
( Warning: this will be very long. But id be grateful if you just took the time to respond)

I'll start with today's outburst. The thing with my father is, you never know what will set him off. It could be that his food was too hot or too cold or he lost his keys or he was just irritated for whatever reason. But when something sets him off i know he'll take his anger out on my mother or me.
Today it started because i didn't go to school cause i was sick. He came to my room, yanked my head up by my hair and asked me why i didn't go with his teeth gritted. I could tell he was pissed so i tried to be calm but he was pulling my hair and it hurt. He kept asking me the same question and i gave him the same answer and he would just tell me i was a liar, a cheat etc everytime. And he yanked my hair with every answer till i got frustrated by it and yelled at him. Now he started yelling too, calling me names and throwing things. I don't even know why but i yelled for my mom. When she came to my room he made up this story about how "that piece of filth" had yelled at him even though he just asked me a question.

At this point I was in this weird state of my mind I'm in sometimes where all i can feel is panic and i can just cry and barely even form coherent sentences. Like I just want to hurt myself so i pull my hair or scratch my skin or something and there's just one thought on a loop in my head like "stop stop stop" so that's what I kept saying to him. I kept crying just telling him to stop please and then my mom yelled at me to shut up because what would the neighbours think?
Now i mentioned that he usually takes his anger out on mumma or me but whenever his outbursts are directed at Mumma i do my absolute best to defend her and just let him take all his anger out on me. And whenever she's crying i always try to comfort her however i can. And the fact that she would yell at me just really pushed me over the edge and i started crying so loudly, just hitting myself and pulling my hair.
My father started mocking me, he got on the ground and imitated my sobs and mumma just kept yelling at me "are u insane? Have u lost your mind ?? You disgust me" etc
I don't really even remember what happened after that. Like I just blanked out. I remember my father got me a kitchen knife and told me to cut myself with that instead and i remember that i tried to get up from the bed but he just kept pushing me down, calling me a ***** and dirt and animal and all those names. But i dont remember when and how he left my room.

I do remember sitting in my room just crying my eyes out. And i remember my father coming into my room every half an hour to tell me stop the dramatics, nobody said anything to me, that i deserved everything he did because i was the most ungrateful, selfish, disobedient, self absorbed animal etc. And i remember my mom passing by my room, watching me cry and just walking away. When i tried to talk to her about it after my father had left for work she told me i made a big deal out of nothing and i was wasting her time.
After that all i can think about is how desperately i want to die. I just want to stop existing. Usually, when i have these thoughts some time later i realise i have a lot to live for, but after today i really don't. It's funny because my father has been way worse than this before but my mother's words really took something out of me. Now I'm just looking forward to a time when i can gather enough courage to kill myself.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I understand how you feel that what my mom did to me. Have you though about calling a suicide hotline? Perhaps tell.a teacher or.a counselor records the abuse and show it to someone. It sounds like your mom may have codependent. Watch Lisa a Romano about coming from dysfunctions home.. She has great tools to use.

[luvyrself]

Never, never let this man destroy you. You are a beautiful flower waiting for the rain (college)that will help you grow strong. Look for a phone or internet help source. Just keep thinking about college. Picture yourself there. Hold that image in your mind when your dad acts out. You can do this!