[Makingupaname]

Am I just being manipulated or is this a real, sincere thing? This is long, I know, but I am desperate because I am clueless. My ex and I were together for almost 7 years when he broke up with me, saying he had cheated on me. He had used online chatrooms for the last two years of our relationship, had sex with a stranger from online, and frequently felt guilty after sex with me because he was terrified of switching into a “different mindset” with me.

Over the course of almost two years after the break up, I reached out to him twice and he has reached out to me four times to try and reconcile and get back together. However, each time would end with him getting distant with me or me cutting him off cuz I would find out he was either talking to a bunch of strangers for sex, or getting back with an ex girlfriend he was with for a year who let him use her like a sex slave. Over the course of these two years, he has gotten help from two different psychologists, and one being a psychiatrist who put him on anti depressants. But he never got to talk to any of them long enough because he would quit and get a new job, waiting a while for his new insurance to take effect to get a new one.

He reached out to me recently this month after the last time of me finally putting my foot down around four months ago and telling him to cut the crap and get help. He had reached out to me saying that he was tired of the on and off cycles, tired of using people for sex, that I was his only safe haven and one of the only people he cared about and didn’t see as a sexual object.

He was waiting for his new job’s insurance to take effect in December before he could get help. I was feeling hesitant but it really seemed different this time, so I let him into my life and we bonded, texted a lot, and over this month met up once and bonded over almost three days straight (we didn’t have sex just kissed and cuddled and we haven’t had sex since we before we broke up two years ago).

But I can tell from his texting patterns changing when he is talking to other people. He had told me that this time he would always be honest with me and not hide away or push me away. He had wanted to meet up today, and also spend Thanksgiving together with all his family. He suddenly, the day before, said he was anxious meet up with me and implied he wouldn’t go.

I got upset and told him I felt like the past was repeating, and he said he was in one of his sexual urge moods and he didn’t want me to be around that. Then proceeded to say how he truly cared so much about me but something was stopping him from being fully committed to me. That he was going to get help still and was tired of feeling this way. He said his urge for sex was overpowering all of the conversations and bonding we had had.

So I told him he needed help badly and that he could have sex with whoever he wanted then, but it would make him super unhappy. I told him I care about him and want him to get help so he doesn’t ruin his life, but he hasn’t responded.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to be with him but I don’t know how to respond or what the best course of action is. Please.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Makingupaname

Am I just being manipulated or is this a real, sincere thing? This is long, I know, but I am desperate because I am clueless. My ex and I were together for almost 7 years when he broke up with me, saying he had cheated on me. He had used online chatrooms for the last two years of our relationship, had sex with a stranger from online, and frequently felt guilty after sex with me because he was terrified of switching into a “different mindset” with me.

Over the course of almost two years after the break up, I reached out to him twice and he has reached out to me four times to try and reconcile and get back together. However, each time would end with him getting distant with me or me cutting him off cuz I would find out he was either talking to a bunch of strangers for sex, or getting back with an ex girlfriend he was with for a year who let him use her like a sex slave. Over the course of these two years, he has gotten help from two different psychologists, and one being a psychiatrist who put him on anti depressants. But he never got to talk to any of them long enough because he would quit and get a new job, waiting a while for his new insurance to take effect to get a new one.

He reached out to me recently this month after the last time of me finally putting my foot down around four months ago and telling him to cut the crap and get help. He had reached out to me saying that he was tired of the on and off cycles, tired of using people for sex, that I was his only safe haven and one of the only people he cared about and didn’t see as a sexual object.

He was waiting for his new job’s insurance to take effect in December before he could get help. I was feeling hesitant but it really seemed different this time, so I let him into my life and we bonded, texted a lot, and over this month met up once and bonded over almost three days straight (we didn’t have sex just kissed and cuddled and we haven’t had sex since we before we broke up two years ago).

But I can tell from his texting patterns changing when he is talking to other people. He had told me that this time he would always be honest with me and not hide away or push me away. He had wanted to meet up today, and also spend Thanksgiving together with all his family. He suddenly, the day before, said he was anxious meet up with me and implied he wouldn’t go.

I got upset and told him I felt like the past was repeating, and he said he was in one of his sexual urge moods and he didn’t want me to be around that. Then proceeded to say how he truly cared so much about me but something was stopping him from being fully committed to me. That he was going to get help still and was tired of feeling this way. He said his urge for sex was overpowering all of the conversations and bonding we had had.

So I told him he needed help badly and that he could have sex with whoever he wanted then, but it would make him super unhappy. I told him I care about him and want him to get help so he doesn’t ruin his life, but he hasn’t responded.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to be with him but I don’t know how to respond or what the best course of action is. Please.

What to do??

He has shown you over and over the type of person that he is... when someone shows you who they are .... believe them. You can NOT change him.

Cut any and all communication between you.

Move on with your life. There are lots of great loyal men out there.

[downandlonely]

I agree that he doesn't sound capable of a serious relationship.

[Crazy Hitch]

You need to move on. He’s trying to hold you back with all of his indecisiveness but you deserve to be free to make decisions about new, future relationships.

[TishaBuv]

It sounds like he’s a sex addict. Why would you want to be with him, after how he has repeatedly treated you? There’s nothing more for you to do. You told him he’s free to have sex with anyone other than you and that he needs help. You did the right thing. It’s over and done. If he comes back begging and promising to change, you’d be doing yourself a favor to stay strong and don’’t try with him again, even if he goes to therapy. IDK, maybe by some miracle, and after a year of intensive therapy, he could change??? It’s more likely this is who he is and who wants a guy who won’t stay monogamous to commit to?

[sarahsweets]

Did you get a check up for STD's from whenever you last had sex with him?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I agree that he doesn't sound capable of a serious relationship.

[bpcyclist]

You have to stop this madness and move on with your own life.

[s4ndm4n2006]

When he gets serious with you (IF he ever does) he will be able to overcome his, so called "urges" for sex and commit to you and only you. I doubt that you would deny him that if he came to you exclusively and it doesn't sound like an issue where you didn't please him enough in that way. Yes, he needs help and this help will only come from his own desire to change and commit to one person and stay with them. ONLY HE can decide this and nothing you can do to make this happen.

walk away. he isn't ready to change or commit and even if he is someday, is it really worth all the stress to get someone to stick to you and commit and stop playing around? Really when you find one that truly cares about you that will not be an issue ever.

[Fuzzybear]

Are you being manipulated? Yes, it sounds to me that you are. I hope you can find a way to disentangle from this individual. Keep posting here if it helps.