[bpfighter250]

Hi everyone. My boyfriend really struggles with communication. He tells me he loves me but he does not seem sensitive to my feelings. When I am sad or upset I would like to talk about it with him. But he seems incapable of discussing these things or really any matter of my life that’s important to me. He doesn’t seem interested in talking about the things I am passionate about such as my career. When I brought up to him that I’d like to be asked more questions to see that he is interested in me and my life, I feel like he got very defensive. When I asked him to read a book on active listening, he seemed to get offended like I was asking him to change who he was. I told him this skill would serve him in other areas of his life including his job and he merely shrugged it off. I feel like my needs aren’t getting met and I feel very invisible and unheard. I don’t know what I should do at this point but I have some serious doubt as to whether this person can love me like I need for the rest of my life.

[Imokay2]

It sounds like you answered your own question. There's no magic about staying in a relationship that doesn't suit either person. It just creates more pain down the road when you two REALLY get sick of each other.
Why do you want to stay with him if you are not compatible?

I had to edit this, in spite of knowing better than waking up and writing something like this- I still do it, then regret it later. I wasn't really awake and my thoughts sound so judgy.
Breakups suck, I am a rip the band-aid off kind of person because I have stuck with someone who I really shouldn't have for years
There was such an emotional toll. I wouldn't want someone else to go through that!
You really don't need anyone else to tell you what to do, ultimately it's your choice. But, if you want confirmation that this sounds unhealthy, then yes. In my opinion it does not seem like a good relationship.

[MickeyCheeky]

Well, @bpfighter250, if You're not feeling heard, that is CERTAINLY something that needs to be brought up with Him if he's serious aboout your Relationship. How are things going with Him aside from this? Are You happy with him? Does He make you feel Safe and Loved? These are all things you should consider in my opinion before making a decision, if you want! Perhaps you can bring up Couple Counselling to him if he's willing, although from what You wrote He seems like he doesn't see any problems with how things are going right now. But if You're feeling unhappy, there IS a problem! Definitely talk to him about ALL of this and tell Him that you're SERIOUS about this! Hopefully He will understand and you'll BOTH be able to talk it through! Keep us updated and let us know how things turn out, ok? Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @bpfighter250, Your Family, Your Friends, Your Boyfriend and ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK, MY, DEAR, AWESOME, KIND, SWEET AND WONDERFUL FRIEND?!

[LacunaCoiler]

I'm in the same boat, but I'm more like your boyfriend. It's not that I don't care or that I'm uninterested, it's just that I don't know how to respond or how to respond the way she wants me to. I have trouble reading the situation and try to figure out if I should say something or just listen, and it seems like I pick the wrong decision every time. She's not the only one that get's frustrated because I do to. I love her to the end of the world and back. I would move mountains for her. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. But she pulls that "you're not paying attention to me so you must not love me" thing as well and I can't help but get defensive. This one thing doesn't define my love for her and to say that I don't love her just because I don't do this one thing is untrue. It devalues and cheapens everything else, or at least that's how I feel anyways. It feels like she's questioning me and my love for her because of one thing, while ignoring all the other ways I show her love.

Just because I can't read the situation well, or don't respond the way she wants/expects me to doesn't mean that whatever she is talking about isn't important to more or that I'm not listening/caring, doesn't equate to love or lack there of. So yeah, I feel your boyfriend on this one. I get pissed off to when she says that. I do everything I possibly can to show her how much I love her, but I'm just not good at this one thing. I have always had this problem, but it has gotten worse since my stroke, but I try to at least sit there and listen and pay attention and give advise when I can. What she has to say is important to me and I love to hear her talk about anything, but sometimes I just don't know what to say or if there is anything I really can say.

I hope you can come to some sort of conclusion and answer to your questions. I agree, couples counseling might help.

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by bpfighter250

Hi everyone. My boyfriend really struggles with communication. He tells me he loves me but he does not seem sensitive to my feelings. When I am sad or upset I would like to talk about it with him. But he seems incapable of discussing these things or really any matter of my life that’s important to me. He doesn’t seem interested in talking about the things I am passionate about such as my career. When I brought up to him that I’d like to be asked more questions to see that he is interested in me and my life, I feel like he got very defensive. When I asked him to read a book on active listening, he seemed to get offended like I was asking him to change who he was. I told him this skill would serve him in other areas of his life including his job and he merely shrugged it off. I feel like my needs aren’t getting met and I feel very invisible and unheard. I don’t know what I should do at this point but I have some serious doubt as to whether this person can love me like I need for the rest of my life.

Lately, I have noticed that focusing on things that make me sad or upset (unless I have a solution that I am ready to implement)--may have been what made me depressed, anxious, etc. If you are not discussing a possible solution, perhaps find a positive distraction. If your bf is not making you feel good at that moment then go do your own thing for a while and feel good about doing what makes you feel good. Spend time with your bf when it feels right. Some days our relationships just click better than other days and we need to just let it go and not fret about it (I know this is hard--I have been diagnosed with GAD but have a better handle on it now because of this new attitude). Also, sometimes when we focus on what we don't want others to do, it can make them want to do those things we don't like even more--even if it would have been really good for them. If your bf is not who you want him to be then keep your options open. Be with him when it is enjoyable and do your own thing for a while when it is not. The person we commit to needs to enjoy doing some of the same things we do but there will always be some things that we like but our significant other doesn't like. We have to accept differences or find a better match. Take it one day at a time. Sometimes when we focus on what we don't want instead of what we want, we get more of what we don't want. I learned this the hard way.

[bpcyclist]

I have been in a relationship with horrible communication for 15 years. I finally just gave up a few years ago. She is sort of borderline personality disorderish and communicating is not a priority, unless it serves some immediate goal, usually getting something that she wants. I have put myself last and she and the kids first. It's not fair to me and I am not happy about it, but I consider my duty as a father more important than my own happiness. Is this what you want for yourself?

[Molinit]

If he isn't meeting your needs and refuses to improve, then it's time to bounce. He's answered the question already. He isn't interested in doing it.

[sarahsweets]

Hey @bpfighter250 I meant to respond sooner.

Originally Posted by bpfighter250

Hi everyone. My boyfriend really struggles with communication. He tells me he loves me but he does not seem sensitive to my feelings. When I am sad or upset I would like to talk about it with him. But he seems incapable of discussing these things or really any matter of my life that’s important to me. He doesn’t seem interested in talking about the things I am passionate about such as my career. When I brought up to him that I’d like to be asked more questions to see that he is interested in me and my life, I feel like he got very defensive.

Many times people get defensive because things are true.

When I asked him to read a book on active listening, he seemed to get offended like I was asking him to change who he was. I told him this skill would serve him in other areas of his life including his job and he merely shrugged it off.

i think he may have felt you were trying to fix him or teach him as if he's broken.

I feel like my needs aren’t getting met and I feel very invisible and unheard. I don’t know what I should do at this point but I have some serious doubt as to whether this person can love me like I need for the rest of my life.

Trust your gut. No relationship should be this much work.

[Bill3]

@LacunaCoiler

There's nothing I wouldn't do for her.

Here's something you could do for her: learn about active listening, study it daily and thoroughly, and practice doing it as best you can until you can do it well.

I get that you love her and that you show your love in other ways. That’s good! Communication, though, seems central for her, and it sounds like in this central area she is saying that her needs are not being met. Is that how you want things to be left?

[Bill3]

I don’t know what I should do at this point but I have some serious doubt as to whether this person can love me like I need for the rest of my life.

So do I.

[Have Hope]

I think it was already stated above. But I agree. If he isn't meeting your needs and wishes, then it's hard to change someone or force things that are not natural to someone. If you don't feel listened to or asked any questions about your work, something you are passionate about, then why stay in the relationship? One's needs will not be 100% met by one single person, but the basics of what you need should be there. Otherwise, you're trying to change someone and that never works.