[AltruisticTrout]

This is very long, I'm very sorry.
How does one find closure with another person when the other person refuses to speak? Since February I have been living with family. Shortly after being released from the hospital for a particularly nasty pulmonary embolism things simply went tits up. My new husband didnt really want to visit me at the hospital. He wasn't staying at home either, but instead with a friend and her family.
To be honest we had been at odds a bit before I fell Ill but I will go into that later. He refused to pick me up from the hospital. He didn't come home. The last thing I ever heard him say in person was that he hated being in the house we shared. For two weeks while I recovered it was complete radio silence from him. It was okay. Even before I had gotten sick he wasnt home much. I was okay with waiting.
Then finally I receive a text. He demanded a divorce, stated that he was afraid with my health and mental health issues that I would wind up dead one day and he would be blamed. He stated he did not feel safe talking over the phone or in person and would only talk by text if necessary to tie up loose ends and finalize a divorce. He gave me a few weeks to move out, and gave me the car he bought for me a few years prior.
I really didnt have anywhere else to go. My entire life was packed into a Jetta. In the weeks and months that followed both he and my adult daughter have severed ties with me. The house that was our home remains vacant but I am not allowed anywhere near it. Here's the clincher: I was never violent, I was never unfaithful, I always forgave, and always tried my very hardest. I rode through his drinking, wartime PTSD, bouts of depression, and his frequent absences.
He gave a myriad of reasons why he left: I was unpleasant, lazy, I argued too often, I did not respect him and he deserved better. For months I have turned these things over in my head wondering how I can fix these flaws in myself. The more I think on them, the less I see them.
Of course here I go with manic brain, butt *** early in the morning just trying to make sense of something now long dead and unchangeable. Between the many clotting events that have damaged my heart lungs and brain, I am on enough psych meds to make me pretty foggy usually. At moments like this when I can actually remember what was said and what was done I can see things I missed before.
My husband had always wanted a family of his own. He had tried and failed twice before me. My daughter was an older teen at this time, and he tried as hard as he could to fill the dad role her deceased father left behind. She never could give in. We became pretty close with a friend, her husband and their family of 3 kids. Those kids worship the ground my husband walks on. They love and respect him deeply. Our friends have some land in disrepair and periodically suffer some financial difficulty. My husband found an outlet for his hero complex in them and spent more and more time away from home.
It was fine for me. My husband was happy, they were happy, and we were a pretty solid unit. Then my husband began to make remarks about how it wasnt as enjoyable with me there, I "changed the vibe". He then casually dropped a remark or two about how i had offended them. My absolute worst fear is being offensive to someone, so i stopped visiting and he went alone. Before long every moment he had away from work was spent there. If he was home, his entire conversations were taken over by this family, what they said, what they did, what he wanted to do for them.
I struggled to keep our home in repair while all of the extra money and his time went to this other family. Eventually, as I sometimes do, I fell I to a bit of a depressive spot. I still did everything a good wife should do, but sometimes I said something biting. My feelings were hurt and my better judgement was getting harder to hold onto. I wanted him to know I was unhappy with feeling left behind, but I'm an idiot with **** communication skills i guess. Instead i argued because at least negative attention was better than ignored. It was never violent, no name calling except for the one time I called him a coward.
Anyways, as luck would have it those last few days when I was feeling especially pained and surly I was in fact making a home for a blood clot in my lung. I always hurt physically, it's a daily thing, but man this hurt. All I wanted was for my husband to be with me because I was kinda scared. He wouldnt do it.
So to finish the long diatribe up he made the decisions for me. He gave me no real explanation and no choices. There was no talking it out like people and deciding to go our separate ways amicably. He decided it was over and I had to leave my home and my life behind, and I couldn't say or do anything about it.
Right now I find myself seeking closure. How do I make this "okay" and move past it? I'm not angry, just really hurt and it seems as each day passes it doesn't get better. I look at my future: too sick to work, in too much physical pain to do much else. I will never have the ability to make a home like the one I once had, or have the family I had. My head is tied in knots, full of spiders, and each day is a struggle.
I work a manual labor job that is too difficult for me. The lithium makes me sick in this heat, and my lungs constantly struggle for enough air. I have to work to afford my care. He cancelled my health insurance last month and the local community health clinic here denied me services because I am considered "terminal". This is likely the life I will have until it is done.
I tried to find the silver lining: I can now go anywhere I want, live somehwere that gets really cold, but it seems even that is dashed. My mind is going. Most days I am not this cognizant by a long shot. (Maybe that's why this is so very long, getting it out before the door shuts again). I am now heavily dependant on my sister to help me keep up with my care. I can't live alone, I will slip, stop taking my heart meds and my bloodthinners. I will wake up one day and decide to spend my very last dime on something that seemed like a great idea at the time, or I will get in my car and drive for hours until I am a state over, lost, and wondering how I got there.

I just wish i could go back home. I know I'm fading out, i just wish i could be with my own family to do it. I don't want to die like this, like a perpetual guest in a house that I can't seem to make home, lost and confused with no one I can touch when I roll over in the morning. I wouldn't wish this end on my worst enemy. I just wish I knew how to make this okay, and find some sort of closure so I can move on. I dont know how many years I have left.

[MickeyCheeky]

I am deeply sorry that you're going through ALL of this HORRIBLE stuff, @AltruisticTrout That man did NOT deserve you. He did not treat you like a human being and did not give you the True Love that you deserve. I understand that you must hurt pretty badly right now and you have every right to feel that but I feel like that may be the best decision for BOTH of you in the long run. He's scum and really doesn't deserve you or anyone else, really. As for your illness, I am truly sorry that things are being so hard for you and I wish I could do something, ANTYHING AT ALL TO HELP YOU! Is the fact that you have a termina illness definitive? Is there ANYTHING you can do to prevent the Worst from happening? If there is, take ANY route that is possible to save your Life. I am REALLY Happy that at least your sister is being supportive to you, Please do not be hard on yourself as NONE, I mean NONE of this is your fault and you did nothign to deserve to suffer. I'd say focus on your health right now, see what you can do to prolong your Life AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN, see if you can get ANY kind of Insurance, perhaps with the help of your Sister, since you have EVERY RIGHT to have that. I am truly, deeply sorry that you're goign through ALL of this. You do NOT deserve this AT ALL. Please feel free to PM me ANYTIME if that can help. I'm here to listen and to offer Advice when I can. Consider myself to be your Friend if that helps a little bit. I'll gladly listen to what you have to say, ALWAYS. THAT'S A PROMISE! Please take WONDERFUL Care of yourself and to EVERYTHING that's in your Power to live the happies Life that you can. You deserve Happiness and Joy just as much as everyone else. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you AND your Sister, AltruisticTrout! I am so, SO very sorry for what you're going through and for what you have to put up with! Please NEVER give up Hope! ALWAYS remember that YOU'RE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!

[divine1966]

I am very sorry for your struggles.

Sadly your marriage is over and I’d take focus off finding closure and focus on financial situation. I’d see a lawyer. You might be entitled to spousal support, you should get some money out of the house if you put any in and you should have part or a half of whatever you two had like savings or pensions or investments.

It sounds as you were left destitute by your husband. You sure need to see a lawyer snd your husband might have to pay your legal fee. This should be your focus.

Why is your daughter not speaking to you?

[divine1966]

I want to add that no one can just tell their spouse to leave the house. Even if you don’t own it, you have tenant rights. Unless he formally evicted you, no one can kick people out like this. What about furniture? Kitchen stuff?
Yeah see a lawyer ASAP

[AltruisticTrout]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I am deeply sorry that you're going through ALL of this HORRIBLE stuff, @AltruisticTrout That man did NOT deserve you. He did not treat you like a human being and did not give you the True Love that you deserve. I understand that you must hurt pretty badly right now and you have every right to feel that but I feel like that may be the best decision for BOTH of you in the long run. He's scum and really doesn't deserve you or anyone else, really. As for your illness, I am truly sorry that things are being so hard for you and I wish I could do something, ANTYHING AT ALL TO HELP YOU! Is the fact that you have a termina illness definitive? Is there ANYTHING you can do to prevent the Worst from happening? If there is, take ANY route that is possible to save your Life. I am REALLY Happy that at least your sister is being supportive to you, Please do not be hard on yourself as NONE, I mean NONE of this is your fault and you did nothign to deserve to suffer. I'd say focus on your health right now, see what you can do to prolong your Life AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN, see if you can get ANY kind of Insurance, perhaps with the help of your Sister, since you have EVERY RIGHT to have that. I am truly, deeply sorry that you're goign through ALL of this. You do NOT deserve this AT ALL. Please feel free to PM me ANYTIME if that can help. I'm here to listen and to offer Advice when I can. Consider myself to be your Friend if that helps a little bit. I'll gladly listen to what you have to say, ALWAYS. THAT'S A PROMISE! Please take WONDERFUL Care of yourself and to EVERYTHING that's in your Power to live the happies Life that you can. You deserve Happiness and Joy just as much as everyone else. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you AND your Sister, AltruisticTrout! I am so, SO very sorry for what you're going through and for what you have to put up with! Please NEVER give up Hope! ALWAYS remember that YOU'RE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!

Thank you for the uplifting reply. U fortunately the terminal part is heart failure and thrombophelia. The heart failure is from having a few major heart attack from blood clots not related to plaque build up. The fist stent procedure I had was botched and the cardiologist did quite a bit of damage by splitting my LAD. After the repair and being on a heart pump for a week my heart was weakened. The heart attack 2 and 3 in the same place didnt help things. The thrombophilia I'm stuck with. I require pretty heavy .maintenance with bloodthinners. My two options are a medication that costs roughly $1400 out of pocket, or a substantially cheaper medication that requires weekly blood tests and constant dose adjustment.
My hematologist that I had before the insurance was cancelled is an absolute angel. Once a month I can go there for the cost of a check up visit and he gives me as many samples of the expensive bloodthinner as he has. I now have stockpiled enough to last me four months. I am in the process of applying for disability in hope that will help cover the cost of my medical stuff, the regular dopplers and blood tests etc, it's been a long road but it seems to be going g better than I expected so far. I expected an immediate denial.

I am certainly blessed to have the family I have. I have been so weirdly independent over the years it's sometimes hard to accept things from time to time. I know it gets better from here, I guess my head gets stuck on the whys and why bothers at times.

[AltruisticTrout]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I want to add that no one can just tell their spouse to leave the house. Even if you don’t own it, you have tenant rights. Unless he formally evicted you, no one can kick people out like this. What about furniture? Kitchen stuff?
Yeah see a lawyer ASAP

This is where I absolutely boned myself. I have this weird sense of justice and can't handle not doing what I think is the right thing. Sometimes the right thing is not actually the right thing, but I only find out long after the fact.
We bought the house before we married. The house, the utilities, the insurances, the bank account, everything was in his name. He claimed that he had been burned before by having shared property and finances. Me being the forever optimist said "nothing will happen to us, we are solid" and acquiesced. He asked me to stay home and care for the the family and the house. I had a couple side gigs I did for extra cash (ghost writing, mural painting, work van flipping, tax prep) and I was paid either in cash or the checks were made out to him. I used that to cover the utilities, most of the groceries, and a few extras here and there. There was not a scrap of anything with my name on it.
I did consult legal counsel and while the lawyer was certain I could eventually be awarded part of the estate even without a paper trail, it was going to be a long battle that I had a small chance of losing. My sense of justice, because I'm an idiot, didnt want to.put my husband through all that. He had asked for a peaceful divorce and I wanted to give him just that.
I did lose everything. I had such a great kitchen, all these cool gadgets, a beautiful set of dishes, some antique glassware, top of the line stainless cookware etc. I honestly thought since he was giving the house to my daughter and her boyfriend I would have plenty of time to retrieve the rest of my things once I finally settled somewhere. I guess the best laid plans of mice and men.

Originally I was asked to leave the home in 2 months time. Once my daughter learned that he intended to have me out of the house she asked to be handed the mortgage. He struck a deal with her that if she paid the utilities and took care of the house he would continue to pay the mortgage for her. Her first order of business was notifying me I had two weeks to collect my things and get out. She was in a hurry to be an adult finally. To have her own home, play house with her boyfriend. I left.
Most of my things that were not with me or appliances were thrown out. My winter clothes, my astrosonic stereo, all of my kitchenware, books, games, tax prep stuff, all of my mural materials gone in a weekend.
Needless to say that arrangement didnt last long. They did not take care of the house and after a couple months they moved out leaving behind wall to wall garbage and pet refuse, oh and a perfectly good car that just needed new tires. My husband gave her 2 weeks to have the car moved from the street since they moved into an apartment only a few blocks away. She refused.
The car title was still in my name. I had bought the car with the intention of giving it to her as a gift for her 18th birthday, but when that day came and went she still had no intention of getting a drivers license so it sat. I was notified that if I did not remove the car that she left behind it would be towed. I currently live 8 hours away so it was a tough trip back to the car. I did not have the money to buy new tires, and get it legal and insured, nor did I have any permanent place to keep it. I towed it my parents house two hours away and told her that she had a month to at least tell me what she intended to do with the car. Nothing. She refused to speak to me, claiming I stole her car, and moved it too far away. My only recourse was to sell the car. Instead of handing her the money for the car I gave it to my husband to pay down the utilities that were still in his name that she had skipped out on. Needless to say that didn't go over well with her.
She believes I took from her what was hers and that is worthy of severing contact.
I tried very hard to do what I felt was the right thing in all of this a d all of it has simply bitten me in the ***. I dont understand what motivates people to make the decisions they do. It has taken me nearly all my life to realize not everyone is so adamant about doing the right things all the time.
My daughter and I have had a strained relationship ever since her father lost his battle with addiction. It was difficult raising a teenager that I knew had no love left for me but even still I did not expect an ending so abrupt.
She and my husband have a very good speaking relationship even after all the mess, and in part I think she distances herself from me because she knows i can't help her financially but my husband will. In essence i think she felt like she had to pick a side, and no one willingly picks the losing side.
I am not blameless in this. I am reluctant to admit I do hold some bitterness in all this. I forgive her, but the silence is likely for the best right now. In time she will come around I hope. I think maybe too this is for the best since I'm not in the best of health or mental health these days. For years she has ridden the rollercoaster of my mental and physical health s
Issues with a sort of detached apathy. I never wanted that for her and still don't now. I'm not mad at her, I guess maybe I even understand.

[divine1966]

Were you married 10 years or more? If you stayed home during marriage, you’d be awarded spousal support in divorce. You can have peaceful divorce, just ask for what’s yours. The house just sits there trashed up? Can’t wrap my mind around it. Why don’t your ex sell it? You’d be entitled to some proceeds from the sale I hope

[TunedOut]

Please try not to blame yourself. (There is plenty of blame to go around but focussing on blame never fixes anything even when there is a main bad actor {though life is usually not that simple} like a husband that abandons you in your time of need!) A lot of things were thrown at you at once and when that much trauma happens at once (health crisis, divorce, financial crisis), we are going to make some impulsive decisions that are not ideal.

You are going through so much that it is just going to hurt. I am sorry. Today, I was listening to some YouTube videos by Jay Shetty. Perhaps this video will be helpful:
6 Healthy Ways To Heal and Move On From HeartBreak
YouTube

[AltruisticTrout]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Were you married 10 years or more? If you stayed home during marriage, you’d be awarded spousal support in divorce. You can have peaceful divorce, just ask for what’s yours. The house just sits there trashed up? Can’t wrap my mind around it. Why don’t your ex sell it? You’d be entitled to some proceeds from the sale I hope

We we legally married (get this) 3 weeks before he called it quits. I had no real idea he had any desire to not be married at the time we did so. We did live together for a couple years first, but he made sure to bail just before the laws in our state would look at contesting community property. As for why he doesn't sell the house? My guess is that because my daughter and her boyfriend damaged it so heavily in the short time they were there his only options are put money into it or take a hit selling it for less than the mortgage still owed. A third option is he is waiting for the divorce to finalize before he does anything major financially.
He has no need for the house. The family he lives with provides him everything he wants and needs. He is the sort I think that he would rather it sit than allow me to gain anything from it.

[divine1966]

Oh 3 weeks. Yeah then it’s different. Not much that you can gain from short lived marriage. Strange he lives with this family. Makes me wonder if it’s polyamorous situation. No one just lives with other families. I guess you have to just move on.

[CARMSTRO]

Trout, I feel your pain, although my situation (which is no where as desperate as yours) I do feel your pain. I too am here because I have no one that I can talk to about my soon to be life altering situation....the hardest thing I've done is "try" to repair issues with a husband, that I do love (inspite of everything!) and he absolutely REFUSES to talk to me about our problems! You can't fix anything without communication, right? Well, I just thought after reading your post that I would say....if you have no one to "talk" to and maybe just need an "ear"....I have big ones! (Just kidding) but seriously, if you feel like talking to someone who would listen and commiserate with you....I'm your gal! I love to laugh, have fun and just enjoy life but with a husband who is a chronic "very sneaky" alcoholic (that he thinks I'm too stupid to realize, I guess so he hides it everywhere) and now I find out he's been smoking DOPE (which he knows that I HATE!)….his attitude well, I'm sure you can imagine so I won't go into it on here but it's BAD! I would love to chat if you would ever want too. I just went back and saw the date on your post so maybe by now you are in a better place. I sure hope for your sake that you are! Take care and if you want to let me know we could do a phone conversation....Take care and hoping for you to have found a terrific life like I know you deserve!!! Carol