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Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 43
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#1
As far as introductions go, this one couldn't be more uncomfortable, but where else am I to turn for non-judgmental assistance? I have been "happily" married for just over five years and have a four year old son who I love with my entire being.
For over a year I have been feeling stagnant in my relationship with my spouse. I have love for him, how could I not with the life we brought into this world together? But, after more than a year of quiet reflection of not only myself, but our life together, I've realized that having love for him and being in love with him are two vastly different things. I feel alone even when we're in the same room. There's a distance that I can't seem to cross. However, I don't know if he senses it yet. I've attempted to broach the subject, to gently bring up that I'm not happy, but I don't think he gets it. I'm struggling with how and when to come forward with my feelings of dissatisfaction and let him know that I'm not happy and I want to peacefully and lovingly move on for the sake of our son. |
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Threadtastic Postaholic
Member Since Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006
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#2
Has this been something gradual or more recent?
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 43
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#3
My feelings of wanting to separate from him have been gradual becoming more and more insistent. I've become more steadfast in my idea that that is what is best for me. It's been more than a year that I have been considering the best path for me, in our relationship.
__________________ chords that were broken will vibrate once more - fanny crosby |
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Account Suspended
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: USA
Posts: 49
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#4
That sounds really hard. I don't know your situation, but I do know of a few cases where somebody felt this way about their SO and were able to rekindle their relationship through couples therapy. You mentioned that you haven't been outright with your feelings, and that your spouse doesn't seem to understand them. It's good to have separation on the table, and accept that it might be necessary, but it sounds to me like you haven't really tried to work through things with your spouse yet. I don't think that's fair to either of you.
I'm not saying you haven't done anything, but I question your commitment to change when you seem more ready to talk about separating than to talk about working through things. That doesn't sound entirely like the fault of your spouse. Are you having second thoughts about settling down? |
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Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 43
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#5
I am not placing fault on him at all, it is me who has changed. I have become complacent in our relationship. I agree that I need to sit and speak candidly about what I'm feeling, but I want to approach it in a level manner, where we can speak as adults. Is it wrong to place my needs as a person as priority? Why do I feel such guilt?
__________________ chords that were broken will vibrate once more - fanny crosby |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2020
Location: USA
Posts: 3,628
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#6
I'm so sorry that you are not happy. It must be so painful for you!
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Member
Member Since Dec 2019
Location: South Africa
Posts: 48
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#7
Try and genuinely feel if your heart is still with him. Is there a flame that can be reignited? If your heart is not with him, it may be a challenge to try and work things out. You shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting to be with him or even not wanting to work things out. What’s more important is understanding why you don’t want to make it work and why you feel separation is inevitable. Because the grass is not greener else where. Every spouse has his/her baggage they bring with them in a relationship. So before calling it quits, it will be cool to understand what within yourself has turned you off about this relationship and why you feel separation is best. Then atleast you won’t repeat similar relationship patterns in your next relationship.
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,927
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#8
Quote:
Perhaps individual and/or couples therapy can help you understand the guilt better and come to terms with it, and thereby help you to find peace in whatever decision you make. |
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New Member
Member Since Jan 2020
Location: PNW
Posts: 8
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#9
Marriages have seasons, sometimes there is love sometimes there is indifference, sometimes there's even hate. The type of love we have in the first few years is not sustainable over time and marriages must mature to survive into a comfortable peace, companionship, shared interests, and loyalty. Most people looking for the 'spark' to last feel disappointed. Most who divorce too soon come to regret it. No spark lasts and a marriage counselor may help you both rebuild before it becomes too late.
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Threadtastic Postaholic
Member Since Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006
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#10
Hey @passivezero if you told him you wanted a divorce would he somehow withhold your child from you?
Quote:
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,134
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#11
Quote:
Life is far too short to be lived in an unhappy marriage. Why do that to yourself, or to him? We have just one lifetime to live, and I can tell that you want to be happy or else you wouldn't be thinking this way. I would just simply tell him one day that you need to talk about your marriage and where you are at with it. Then tell him straight up that you're unhappy, that you have been unhappy for a long time, and that you think it's best to separate and go your own ways. Tell him that you've given it much thought, and this is what you want and need. Just pull that band-aid off. Be brave. You can do this! ![]() ![]() __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 43
4 47 hugs
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#12
Quote:
__________________ chords that were broken will vibrate once more - fanny crosby |
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Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 43
4 47 hugs
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#13
Quote:
Thank you for the kind words. I will try to keep my chin up. It is for the best. __________________ chords that were broken will vibrate once more - fanny crosby |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,134
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6 3,643 hugs
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#14
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Legendary
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Italy
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#15
I am so sorry things are being so hard for you, @passivezero!
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,927
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#16
If feelings of guilt persist, I think it will be worthwhile to attend to them with a therapist.
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Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 43
4 47 hugs
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#17
@MickeyCheeky and @Bill3 I do see a therapist and we've spent the past several sessions going over my feelings of guilt. I have gotten a handle on it, though I know I still have much work to do - nothing is solved over night. I worry about my son, but I know with the proper help from both sides, and also a family therapist to help, he can understand and hopefully thrive in a new family arrangement. This is where my guilt is stemming from, the hardship that my son will face. But I will work hard to make sure that I make him feel as loved and as cared for as he has been since he was born. I steadfastly believe that.
__________________ chords that were broken will vibrate once more - fanny crosby |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,134
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#18
@passivezero, your son will be OK in the end. It will most likely be tough for him in the beginning. It always is. But he will adjust eventually, and in the end, he will be far better off for witnessing you being much happier than you being not quite yourself and miserable within a dying and distant relationship. Your happiness will show and things will improve, all around. My sister went through a divorce with three young boys, so I have witnessed this first-hand. The boys all eventually adjusted and they're all better off with my sister being far happier. In fact, she was happier the moment she left her husband. Then eventually and after dating some, she found someone else special and they're now engaged to be married. Also, in the end, it is not healthy for a young child's upbringing to witness an unhappy marriage. It can be more damaging. It's better if the child can witness a happy and healthy partnership. So you're doing yourself AND your son a big favor. Know this, and hopefully, find some comfort in this knowledge. Hugs!
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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