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Member Since Feb 2020
Location: NoLa
Posts: 5
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#1
I am in a long term relationship with someone that I cannot talk to when it comes to anything of significance in terms of how I feel, good or bad. There is a conversation we need to have but I literally cannot speak whenever the opportunity arises. I can think of the words in my head when he’s not around but as soon as I’m face to face with him my mind goes blank, almost like a heavy cloud in my head and chest. I cannot say anything and when I try I say something so dumb it only makes him mad. Today I drove around for a half hour then sat in my car for fifteen minutes to avoid contact and when I got inside and thought I might be able to at least say “Can we talk” I couldn’t even get that out. I have shared this with him but he doesn’t believe me and thinks I’m trying to hide something. What is this?
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Skeezyks
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Disreputable Old Troll
Member Since Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
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#2
Here's a link to DocJohn's article, from PC's archives, on the subject of why people sometimes can't say what they feel. And then there are links to 2 articles one that talks about signs a person grew up with childhood emotional neglect (one of these being difficulty expressing emotions) & one that offers suggestions for how to communicate your feelings. Perhaps something in these articles may ring a bell for you, as the saying goes:
10 Reasons You Can't Say How You Feel 7 Signs You Grew Up With Childhood Emotional Neglect How to Communicate Your Feelings | Happily Imperfect __________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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Be Still, Bill3
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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: limbo
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#3
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#4
Is he difficult to share things with? Does he share anything of importance himself? If he doesn't share or if he gets angry with you for sharing, perhaps that's why it's so difficult for you? As said above, it's hard to know with so little information. Can you tell us more about what is happening in your relationship that makes it hard for you to talk to him?
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Member
Member Since Dec 2019
Location: South Africa
Posts: 48
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#5
From what you wrote you sound really scared of disappointing him. I grew up being terrified of my father. I would rehearse what I wanted to say multiple times before I approach him (especially money matters). I would try and see what mood he’s in and try to speak at the perfect moment (it was always difficult to tell). But I believe it was because my dad had a temper but more than that, all I wanted was for him to love me and accept me. So I feared receiving rejection from him. Sometimes I would talk myself out of voicing my opinion if I felt it would start a debate or confrontation. That’s how much I didn’t want to compromise how he saw me.
This led me to substance abuse and now I’m on the recovery side (yay!). But honestly, being a people pleaser, or seeking to be seen, loved, validated, approved by someone is suppressing your needs, your voice, your desires. It’s not worth the toxic life it brings. Most of the times I believe the people’s we are trying to please don’t even notice our effort and how much energy it takes for us to just be normal around them. For me this was my dad, so I couldn’t break up with him. But to be in a relationship with someone is a choice. I sincerely hope you see that this relationship is toxic for you. You shouldn’t be scared of your partner or feel the need to be more than who you are around them. They should be your safe place. ❤️ |
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