I wish this feeling would go away

The longing goes away. You just have to let go of it.

No. But by apologizing. Will show i care. By clarity i mean the part when i shrugged him off tryibg to ugnore him like he didnt exist that last time we interacted. No im not telling him how i feel

If you really care about him, you can apologize to him, and tell him that he needs to figure out his marriage issues without you in the picture. Then exit and do not contact him so he can do this on his own.

If that was the case. It would have by now. Im let go of the outcome. I dont expect anything

Right...

Look, if you really want to keep holding out hope for this guy, then no one can stop you. We might advise you against it, and we have, but ultimately it's up to you.

But if you really want these feelings to go away, then you have to commit to letting them go.

Hi Denise70, I so feel for you.

Years ago I fell in love with a man; we were both married. My own marriage was not in a good place. I fairly begged my husband to go with me for marriage counseling, but he refused to go. I fell hard for the other man. We had an affair for 3 years. At the end, he had to move away, and wanted me to come with him. I had children and pets I definitely did not want to leave...and I really didn't want to get a divorce. So I broke off the relationship.

Like everything in life there were goods and bads about having the affair. The bad part was that ending the relationship was terribly difficult. I went into the situation so naively...I was desperate for a man's attention and devotion and I really was in love with the man, yet I thought leaving the relationship would be as easy as getting into it.

Well, leaving was not easy at all; it was miserably painful for both of us. It was a pain that has lasted to this day - and it's been 20 years. And notice that there is a stark difference between infatuation and love.

The good part was that I actually felt more loving toward my husband. I stopped feeling that I had to focus on him as if he was the only source of romantic male relationship in my life.

So without going into a list of details I will tell you that should you pursue the man you're interested in be aware that he will never stop loving his wife. Or at least obsessing over her. You will be in constant competition with his feelings for her. Even if you don't hold any negative feelings for her, that feeling of being in competition for his attention is so very painful.

And know that while it's easy to get into an affair it is not easy to extricate yourself from it. There will be a massive amount of pain and hurt that a lot of people have to cope and live with.

Bottom line: don't fool yourself into thinking an affair will be all sunshine and roses, because it isn't.


btw, his wife and I became close friends. He did eventually divorce her (years later), but they remain friends.


As for me, I don't care if anyone judges me or not. I did what I thought was best at the time and no, I do not regret it as ultimately, it strengthened my marriage. Life it not black/white.

Which just goes to show how hard it is to actually leave a marriage, in the end and at the end of the day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope Which just goes to show how hard it is to actually leave a marriage, in the end and at the end of the day.

Oh, I didn't leave my marriage. I've been married for 36 years.

Yes that’s what I meant. You had an affair but didn’t leave your marriage in the end. Very common.

Along the same lines I have a gf who got involved with a married man. He claimed his marriage was unhappy and that he wanted to leave. They had a child. He had an affair, fell in love and my friend fell in love with him. He lived on opposite coasts from his wife at the time he had the affair. My friend didn’t want an affair either and had a hard time staying away from him, just as you are having a hard time now. She did confess her feelings which resulted in the affair.

Well in the end he decided he loved his wife and couldn’t leave her and break up the family. They had twelve years of history together. And a child together. My friend was most heartbroken and devastated because she loved him and thought he would leave for her. His wife also found out and was devastated. But they fought through it and remained together. Who knows what the affair did to them but they are still together today.

Which again goes to show that typically people will remain married rather than divorce and break up a family.

And my gf? She felt very used and tossed away as a result. She got the short end of the deal.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope Along the same lines I have a gf who got involved with a married man. He claimed his marriage was unhappy and that he wanted to leave. They had a child. He had an affair, fell in love and my friend fell in love with him. He lived on opposite coasts from his wife at the time he had the affair. Well in the end he decided he loved his wife and couldn’t leave her and break up the family. They had twelve years of history together. And a child together. My friend was most heartbroken and devastated because she loved him and thought he would leave for her. His wife also found out and was devastated. But they fought through it and remained together. Who knows what the affair did to them but they are still together today. Which again goes to show that typically people will remain married rather than divorce and break up a family.

Yes, that's true. I think it's especially true for men. Their marriages are a security blanket.

Im sorry it was painful for you. I underatand why. And im not sure why other are asuming i want an affair i do not. Just to be clear.
However i do not want him to leave her for me
But i love him and he is not in love with her.
But i also know people stay regardless. Its a hard spot to be.

How do you know he’s not in love with her? People don’t just stop loving their spouse unless something drastic happens. Even through rocky times people still can love each other. Beth’s story and my own point to the fact that one spouse can even fall in love with someone yet remain married.

What I am trying to tell you is my gf was very very hurt in the process. She loved him, fell hard for him, and he claimed he was in love with her and that he would leave his wife. Then he didn’t. It’s just a very dangerous position to put yourself in affair or no affair.

True that. I was in the same position recently with a guy who was supposedly so unhappy in his marriage that At the very end, he seemed committed to walking away, said they had seriously talked about divorce and that this would be best for both of them.

He still ended up staying with her.

I got too close, and even in my state of emotional bankruptcy, I was still pretty rocked by it. So when I say all of this, I am fully and unabashedly projecting. This is the same ******** I had to go through about a month ago.

But, you know, lesson learned.

Denise,

I know you are having a lot of conflicting feelings that are distressing you. And probably feeling very judged for those feelings too. It's okay to be honest and acknowledge you have feelings for someone, to yourself, at the very least.

I've had feelings for male friends who were married before but of course would never want to harm them or their families and made sure to put them in the brother zone and be super clear about our friendship.

You cant control how you feel but you can control what you do, how you act on what you feel.

I dont know him and I dont know you. I know that my stepdad and mom were friends for a long time, both married to other people, and unhappy, and when their marriages finally ended, they married each other and are very happy now. I dont want to tell you there's no hope, but other members are right that if he cheats to be with you, he'll also cheat on you. If he's unhappy in his marriage, he will leave on his own.

I think the best and safest thing you can do is to.distance yourself, because unless he leaves his wife and seeks you out on his own, there is little chance this will be healthy.

I know you want to reach out and just speak to him, but I really encourage you to examine if that is for you or for him. Does he really need an apology or are you seeking an excuse to get close again? It's okay if you are. When we are attracted to someone it can be hard to fight these feelings. But again, ask yourself what is healthiest for you in the long run, and maybe it's best to refrain from contact, even to apologize.

While it's quite simple that he is married, I know your feelings are not so simple.

Ok i didnt put myself into it. It happened before i even realized it. Then i found they were real.

I know that. And thats fine if you truly love them butif not let that person go find their own happiness. Why stay with someone you dont truly love Otherwise its a marriage of convienance and. Im worth more. Thats just my thoughts. And he may love her on a level but thats different then in love. Nothing compares

Quote:

Originally Posted by seesaw ... if he cheats to be with you, he'll also cheat on you...

Definitely true.

Sounds to me like you want to convince him to leave her, despite you saying the opposite on here to us. Seems like you think he would be happier with you. You seem head strong on ignoring what most likely will happen.