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catches the flowers
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Location: Downtown Vibes, California
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#81
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#82
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Bill3, Have Hope
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#83
Well you asked why the wife stays? We have no ways to know. You said he stays for the money. perhaps she stays for the same reason. Who knows. They might be in open marriage. There is no way to tell. We can only control ourselves and our actions and we don’t have a magic ball to see what’s happening with other couples. You can’t possibly know everything there is to know
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Wise Elder
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#84
Forgive me. It’s just hard to interpret your true intentions based on some of your posts. You had stated earlier if it’s meant to be you’ll make sure everyone is cared for. Which comes across a certain way. You had also stated you’re worth more and are in love with him..
If you truly don’t intend on meddling then tell him so, if you must talk to him, and walk away... and if you truly intend on not meddling, you can wait until the day he files for divorce to do anything or to be involved with him in any way. Even then I'd proceed with caution. People can file and change their minds. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes Last edited by Have Hope; Feb 24, 2020 at 07:18 PM.. |
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#85
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Bill3, Have Hope
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Wise Elder
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#86
It always feels that way in the moment, like you’ll never get over them. But you can. And it’s true. You never know whom you’ll meet, when or where or how. It hurts now but that pain will lessen over time.
May I ask how you met him, how long you’ve known him and how it is that you two come into contact so frequently? It almost seems like you might work together since it’s so hard for you to ignore him and to distance yourself? If you see him more frequently by chance, then it’s harder. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Member Since Jun 2019
Location: Canada
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#87
I have read this entire thread, and am glad to hear you won't settle for an affair.
I find it a little troubling you want to apologize and also tell him how you feel. That puts you in the position of "waiting in the wings" should his marriage end. What a lowly position to be in. Yuck! While not directly interfering in his marriage, it is providing enticement or incentive as there is a replacement waiting. While I hear you say you don't want an affair, I will share what did happen to two women I know who did have an affair, and the men left their wives and married them. The outcomes of both were remarkably similar. Both men lost their relationships with their children. The children would not even speak to the new wife, who they blamed 100% for the breakup of their parents marriage. That may not be true, but it is how they perceived it. And the fathers now have no relationship with their grandchildren. They missed their children's graduations, marriages, pregnancies and other accomplishments and rights of passage into adulthood. One woman was even referred to openly as "The Witch". That is basing a new marriage on great sadness. One woman found out years later that she was just one of many he had had affairs with. She eventually came to see herself as gullible for having fallen in love with him, and there was very little joy in the marriage due to all the pain caused to others that had come as a result of their falling in love. And she eventually blamed him for chasing her and causing her to fall in love with him. Kind of like what you are saying. He chased you first. |
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divine1966, Have Hope, Middlemarcher, Open Eyes
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catches the flowers
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#88
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I entirely agree. No one is responsible for marital problems except the 2 people in the marriage. Please read my post about the affair I had. I am not always opposed to affairs. I will say, however, that it takes 4 mature adults to handle the situation. It seems to me that you are defending yourself to everyone who has posted on this thread. Perhaps I am misreading, but I'm just saying that's the feeling I'm picking up. Maybe you feel that none of us understand your feelings and intentions? I don't. Your initial post sounded like you're interested in a relationship with the man...I'm confused. Is it possible that you're confused yourself? __________________ |
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#89
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With all seriousness. Yes i do have love for him. Thats what makes this hard cause im not affair material. Do i want a relationship. Yes but not one off lies and deception. Thats why im hurting. And no matter what annyone says that love is not going anywhere. Yes i do feel others here arre assuming things and discounting my feelings. I underatand this might hit home with some but keep in mind i want to act with integrity no matter what i do |
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*Beth*
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#90
Denise, please understand that in your original post, you said you wanted to be with him, that you want to tell him you love him, and that you want to see where he stands. All of that implies an intention for an affair. You've also implied and have told us in not so many words that you've crossed the line with him already.
Then you kind of changed your tune a little through the course of the thread, yet you still claimed you wanted "clarity" from him. I still am unclear on what you need clarity on. You said you want to apologize for ignoring him, which I honestly do not think is necessary. He IS married, and you've already crossed the lines with him... ignoring him is completely understandable in this situation where he is married. I agree with one of the statements above that you seem confused now about what you really want to do. Since your original post, you've said you won't have an affair several times, you've said you won't tell him you love him, and that you won't meddle. But you've also implied the opposite in some ways, by saying that he deserves to be happy, that his wife doesn't make him happy and that you would... and that you will be sure no one gets hurt through this. I understand that it's painful to love someone you cannot have, but given what you've last stated to us, what choice do you have BUT to try to move on with your life? I don't think people here are unsympathetic, but I think many protested against your original stance on this matter and against pursuing someone who is married, and with good reasons. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Denise70
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*Beth*
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#91
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My goal is not to tell him how i feel. When i do. Reach out but i think he deserves some underatanding and peace just like i do. Ive tried to ignore it. And its just made things worse with keeping things bottled up from guilt and. Feeling bad. I need clarity cause there is so many unknowns. That way i can have some peace im sorry if u dont understand but please try. U can pm me. I know the pain affairs cause but im hurting now. So there can be a middle ground if i reach out and step back. I wont be telling him how i feel and at the same time release some bottled feelings. Maybe he needs to hear what i need to say |
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Have Hope
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#92
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I return to the story of my gf who DID have an affair. Now I know that's NOT your intention. She, too, had bottled up feelings she wanted to express to this married man. She too resisted and did NOT want to have an affair or meddle in his marriage. She, too, felt the same exact way as you right now. She tried to stay away from him by NOT being in touch with him, yet she had already fallen for him and they had already crossed the line once. Well, she eventually caved and contacted him. She told him that he deserves to be happy (he claimed to be VERY unhappy in his marriage). She told him that she wants to be with him, but that she DID NOT want to have an affair. Well, what happened? He pursued her even further! He didn't care about not having an affair.. he wanted one, and she, because she was SO in love with him, ended up NOT being able to resist his advances. So they got together. And this was ALL the result of her reaching out to him to "talk", to unload and tell him he deserves to be happy. What happened next? They had an affair for a month or two until she pushed him to get a divorce. And when push came to shove, he couldn't go through with a divorce, and she ended up being completely heartbroken. It messed with her head for a VERY long time afterwards. She still hoped he would leave her, and he never did. She felt VERY used and thrown out, as a result, and that hurt her beyond belief for a very long time. So, just be VERY careful. You are in a VERY vulnerable spot right now because you DO love him. And he COULD end up pursuing you further.... he already has pursued you, which you told us about before. If you really DO NOT want an affair, you're going to have to be VERY strong IF he does pursue you again after reaching out to him. Just be aware of the door that this COULD OPEN. Married men who want an affair or sex will honestly stop at NOTHING to get what they want. And they will SAY ANYTHING necessary to get what they want from a woman.. including taking advantage of her vulnerability and love for him. Just be aware that men who want sex will tell lies in order to get it. This man told my gf that he WOULD leave his wife for her.... then didn't. So be very very careful. I still stand by my original advice: to NOT contact him. But you're going to do whatever you feel is best for yourself. Hugs to you. I do feel for you, even if it seems I don't. Because my gf was in a similar spot as you, I have sympathy. PS. I know what twin flames are. My gf said that this married man was HER twin flame too. Know and understand that the law of twin flames is that they go through MANY lifetimes of not being able to be together until finally, once they've BOTH learned ALL soul lessons necessary, they are able to finally be together. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes Last edited by Have Hope; Feb 25, 2020 at 07:10 AM.. |
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*Beth*, Middlemarcher
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#93
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
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#94
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Yes, twins often try to be together and cannot for one insurmountable reason or another. And yes, this man STILL reaches out to my gf now and again, wanting an affair again with her. She refuses. If you have past abuse, perhaps it's best to focus on your own healing instead? And work on yourself? __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#95
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Wise Elder
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#96
I see 444 all the time myself.
Just be careful.. please be mindful of the story of my gf. Hugs. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#97
I will. Vthank you. Im glad your friend has found the strength to say no. It is tempting for twins to have affairs but in the end itcdelays union and creates karmic cycles.
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#98
It sounds like your feelings of love are about "loving, rescuing, fixing" to help someone else be happy. You tend to use this "I just want him to be happy" and for "all to be happy". You may even unknowingly operate on "codependency" when in reality, YOU cannot change this individual's plight. You have said that you have been hurt in your past as well, so you are empathizing what you think this man may be experiencing. The hard truth is Denise, you cannot rescue this man, this man has to do this himself. And if he really IS unhappy in his marriage, he may not really be strong enough to break away and change that. And, if you put yourself in the position of "I care enough and want him to be happy cause I love him" you can end up really getting hurt because this man simply is not able to break away from whatever pattern he is used to living by.
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#99
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Not my job too. Look up empaths. We experience others emotions and we have to really ground ourselves. Not to let it affect us. Its a learning process. Reiki healing and chakra balancibg can help i can help and. I am doing that but not reike yet saving for it. Also meditations |
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Bill3, Have Hope
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catches the flowers
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#100
I wish you all the luck in the world.
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Denise70, Have Hope
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