I wish this feeling would go away

Hello
Please dont judge me but ive fallen for a married guy we didnt have an affair but i cant get him out of my mind. Ihave been thinking of reaching. out to him to see where. He is at in all this but im scared. I have been ignoring him for a long time because of our situations. But its not healthy. I cant help who i love ive even dated others to no pervail. I know we are compatible and do well together. Any advise and please no nastiness. Ive been called namesand i dont need or deserve that

You’re right. We can’t help who we fall in love with. Love is a feeling and feelings can do all sorts of weird and wonderful things.

But.......

We CAN control how we act on our feelings.

Please, for your own preservation, do not contact this man with the intent of telling him how you feel.

If he cheats on her, he will cheat on you.

You don’t need to settle for second hand deals in relationships. He would be very low if he had this affair and you’d be dropping your standards.

Right now you have this person on a pedestal, to make matters worse they're unavailable which makes them even more desirable. In most cases the reality doesn't equal the fantasy. Whilst thinking about him you'll be thinking about all of the great things about this person.

For a moment, can you suspend this belief, nobody is perfect, what's not perfect about him. You won't get rid of these feelings overnight but if over the next few weeks /months you think of a new way in which he's not perfect everytime you see him you have a good chance of diminishing these feelings to the point where you are no longer in love with him.

When he does something that bugs you, remember it, come back to it your mind. This is pretty much the same way many people fall out of love. They start noticing more of the bad qualities than the good.

What do you want people here to tell you? To go for it? You're not going to get that on here.

Why would you reach out to him? Then you would be starting down the road of the beginnings of an affair.... and starting down the road towards breaking up a marriage. That is not a good thing to do for many reasons.

It's morally wrong number one, and number two, you'd be part of a cheating equation. That's not a good footing upon which to start a new relationship. It's tainted. And he most likely would also cheat on you. Not only that, even more importantly, you're harming another person, the woman who is married to him. Do you not care about other people's feelings? Do you not care about hurting other people? Number three, it's really bad karma. Do you really want to be the reason a marriage breaks up? Do you really want that negativity on your shoulders?

As a married woman myself, if I learned that some woman approached my husband to say she's in love with him, I would locate her, go to her in person, and there would be big trouble. I can't say on here what I would do, but she wouldn't ever want to come near us again, I can tell you that. So be warned.

Many people view a marriage as a sacred union. You would be encroaching upon the sacredness of that union. There's a reason why adultery is said to be a sin.

Just don't. Find someone else to fall in love with. Forget about him.

I dont think hes perfect at all. Im very aware of his flaws. He pursued me while in this situation. Maybe he dosent love his partner anymore. We all deserve happiness. I wish it was as simple as you say believe me ive tried that. Sometimes we marry the wrong person

I can be strong. I have for so long. No iim not going to tell him how i feel if i do contact and no expectations but its hard either way. How is ignoring it helping

Welcome to PC Denise!----you will find others to talk with here and some good articles in the resource section that are worth your time.
I agree with Crazy Hitch and DarrenPH---
You can have this feeling for someone else who is available. It may not feel that way now but it is true. And, the idea of picking up and noting his "faults" or things you think might "change" is good, he is just another person after all.
Think back to a young crush you had...this is a lot like that...you are projecting all kinds of qualities and interests onto someone you idealize. That passes.
Drama is highly overrated.
I don't know what your "situation" is but if it is work and you need to distance yourself do. You can do it without 'ignoring', stay cool, work focused and busy.
As for being a wife, I was married 20yrs but it would be my husband and not the woman I would be upset with...he's the one I have/had the relationship with. I have trouble with women blaming women for "their" s.o.'s behavior.

I would be upset with both the woman and my husband if an affair occurred. The woman is just as responsible as the man in the equation of an affair. Why should the woman get off that easily? She's making a choice to have an affair with someone who is already taken. That is her choice. She is just as responsible, in my own opinion. Neither would be innocent. It takes two to tango, as they say.

And if the OP decides to reach out to this married man? Is that not HER being responsible for starting things? She can't get off that easily. It's her CHOOSING to shake things up in a marriage. She's fully responsible for her own actions and choices.

I am not choosing to shake things up or wanting to. The marriage was on the rocks before i came into the picture which by the way im not ad i keep distant

Hey @Denise70
I am not judging you- but I will be honest. Lets say you tell him this and he agrees to have a relationship with you? #1 if he decides to then you should know that nothing will stop him from deciding to move on to someone else if he is with you.
#2 I find it hard to believe that relationships that start with cheating can work. I dont see how it could being that there is a lie right in the beginning.
#3 are you willing to accept your roll in breaking up a marriage?
#4 How do you know what you feel is love and not infatuation? If you are not in a relationship now what is that love built on?
#5 what situation are you in? Do you mean he is a coworker? Or are you also in a relationship?
I dont think you are a bad person but an affair is a bad choice. Bad choices dont always mean a bad person but we have control over our choices. I dont know how you came to the conclusion that is is love unless you are already having a relationship. "Loving" someone is built on a relationship with them. I do not believe you can be in love with someone having had no relationship with them.
And how do you know he would be receptive to this? Has he told you he would cheat on his wife?

I want to clarify i dont want an affair but i also have been ignorighim like pretending he dont exist. This is a hard place to be. Between a rock and a hard place and dont qish it on anyone

Along the lines of Sarah’s post, how do you know you’re compatible and do well together if you’re not already involved? And how do you fall in love if you’re not already involved?

Again, I emphasize to you the devastation that can occur because of an affair. I would be boiling red at the woman and my husband and there would be a hefty price to pay. I would make sure that woman never came near my man again. Physical blows would be involved.

“hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”.

I’ve known women to slash others’ tires over such conduct. Only bad things come of affairs.

I am a very untitive person and based on out careers and the talks we have had. My soul just knows. I can say it did go a little to far but not in the way u may think. I qctually went out of my way to avoid him

Just keep avoiding him and find something (or someone) else to do. It's only a feeling, and it'll pass eventually, like any other.

Yes, it's true there are times someone's marriage is not working out. And yet, sometimes a man will say that just to see if he can fool around with someone too. Some men DO cheat on their wives and yet have no intention of leaving their wives, but want to have their cake and eat it too.

Yes, it's very possible to meet a man that is very charismatic and the attraction can be very strong. Truth is, we are designed to have these attractions. And there is a lot more to it than we realize too. It's about faramones and hormones and certain facial bone structures that can be an attraction a woman often is not consciously aware of. Some of that is included in that "feeling of love" too. We are designed this way so we procreate. Birds and the Bees you know?

It's understandable that you have such a strong attraction. However, this man IS married and it's important to respect that. If he is unhappy in his marriage then he needs to divorce his wife, not have an affair. Does he have children too?

If you are attracted to a man that is married and it's really strong like this, the best thing to do is distance. Just because you have a strong attraction, it doesn't mean HE is THE one either. Sometimes the chemistry can be strong and it's hard. Yet, keep in mind our design by nature is to be like this, it's the trick of nature.

If you talked to him, what would you say? If he doesn't care about cheating, you would be opening yourself up for heartache. Then you get hurt and his wife gets hurt, SO NOT WORTH IT. And this guy cheated and hurt two women.

How old are you and how old is this guy? Does he have any children?

He does and i want to make it clear that ibdont want an affair.as a matter of fact ive done my best to avoid him. And yes i know they stay sometimes despite being unhappy. My purpose to reach out is to get answers not hqve an affair.
I have ignored him which is not doing anyone any good. Inc his wife. I know if i my partner had feelings for someone else i would set them free. Let them have happiness life is short. Its only hurting both of them by staying really

Hey @Denise70 what did he say to you that makes you think he is unhappy and would be with you? What happened that may have crossed a line but not in the way we would think?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Denise70 He does and i want to make it clear that ibdont want an affair.as a matter of fact ive done my best to avoid him. And yes i know they stay sometimes despite being unhappy. My purpose to reach out is to get answers not hqve an affair. I have ignored him which is not doing anyone any good. Inc his wife. I know if i my partner had feelings for someone else i would set them free. Let them have happiness life is short. Its only hurting both of them by staying really

As a woman of intuition we just know. And i wont elaborate on crossing the line but it was on a subconscience level at first without realizing we were even doing it. At first then became real the feelings . If someone was happy in their relationship it wouldnt havr happened.

Denise, people can be on the rocks in their marriage, they can even develop feelings for someone else, and they can also work it out and remain together. I’ve seen it happen. Do they have children? It’s not good to mix yourself up in a marriage on the rocks. I don’t understand why you’re wanting to tell him how you feel or find out how he feels. It sure seems like you want to break up their marriage.

What do you think will happen if you tell him AND he admits he has feelings for you?? An affair will start while he’s still married!

Your actions would be very selfish if you approach him. Let them determine on their own what they must do without another woman in the picture. And if there’s kids involved?? Just stay away.

Leave them alone. Leave him alone.

Have i not said i do not want an affair. Nor do i want to tell him how i feel. Yes he needs to make that decision and do that on his own but ignoring him is not the answer either