Troubled by a sibling relationship.

Last month, on my birthday, I received a big, beautiful floral arrangement from one of my sisters. It was a very expensive-looking bouquet. I live thousands of miles away from my family of origin. One of my sisters keeps in close touch. We talk for hours on the phone a few times every month. We confide freely in one another. The flashy bouquet was not from her. It was from my other sister. My "other sister" shows much less interest in keeping in touch . . . and I'm not sure how I feel about getting fancy flowers from her. It seems a slightly odd gift to get from a sister. What do you think, anyone?

Over ten years ago, our widowed father was falling into declining health. I'm the eldest. He wished I was closer, but I wasn't. Plus my S.O. had very serious health issues, so I couldn't fly back to where he and my sisters were all that often. I encouraged him to make "other sister" his P.O.A. which he did. She's well-educated, responsible and experienced in handling real estate and dealing with involved financial matters. (The sister I'm closer with lives paycheck-to-paycheck on a waistress's wages.)

So "other sister" handled my father's affairs capably. She also pursued her own interest a bit more assiduously than I had expected. When my father died, "other sister" was the heir of most of what he had.) I was shocked to find that baby-sister, the waitress, had been disinherited. (I got a good-sized, financial asset that my father had promised me, so I was not especially disappointed.) But I was kind of horrified and heart-broken at what one sister did to the other. I'm unmarried and childless, so being on good terms with all my siblings means the world to me.

That "other sister" had such a wide greedy streak truly surprised me, but that wasn't the worst thing. At the time that all this came down, "other sister" started accusing everyone of not being nice to her. I guess she had to rationalize what she was doing, so she painted herself as "the victim." She started accusing me of having been mean to her on this, that and the other occasion. Her examples were laughable, but she cited them. (Like she claimed that I once said that my dog was my best friend and that she was highly offended that I put my dog higher than her.) (I never said any such thing, but who gets jealous of a person's regard for their dog?) I just did not react and tried to keep the peace.

Then a year or two after my father died, she started sending me expensive birthday gifts. (For years my siblings and I were not in the habit of exchanging gifts on birthdats.) She started making flattering remarks to me about what a good person I was. I was so relieved that the bad feelings she displayed around the time of my father's passing seemed to have evaporated.

Something's not right though. I texted her that the flowers were lovely and "thanks so much for thinking of me." (She prefers exchanging texts to talking with me on the phone.) But a part of me wants to say, "Why?!" I don't understand how, 13 years ago, I was accused of offending her and not appreciating her. Then, a year or two later, I'm worthy of these lavish gifts on my birthday. I don't get it. At my father's wake and funeral she was barely speaking to me. I did absolutely nothing to deserve her cold shoulder then. I don't know what I've done right since.

I'm glad she got over her prolonged snit-fit that she took 13 years ago. But the way she acted toward and talked to me then was extremely hurtful. It was about the most hurtful thing I've ever experienced. At the time, I refused to react to any of her mean behavior. I just let that stuff pass. I was so afraid of making things worse. In a way, my strategy worked. Now she sends these pricey presents, like we have this great relationship. But I was very hurt, and I still am. I need her to take some sliver of responsibility for being a real poop-head back when she was. Otherwise, this nicey, nicey stuff seems like phoney baloney. I don't want to continue in this charade of sisterly devotion with someone who was that hurtful of me. She's the self-righteous type who can never admit being wrong. I tell myself that maybe, these presents are the closest she can get to trying to take back her mean comments made back then.

I tell myself to just let go of an old hurt. But I've been doing that for 13 years, and the wound doesn't really heal. We live far apart, and we really don't have that much to do with each other. It can stay the way it is, without me being being much inconvenienced. In life you don't always get closure on every upsetting experience. I don't go around feeling I have to extract an apology out of everyone who ruffles my feathers. However, the way she treated me back then felt like a knife close to my heart. I'm sick of pretending that nothing very wrong happened.

One day soon, my S.O. will come to the end of his long struggle with severe health problems. I'll be back where we both came from for his funeral. My sisters will make gestures of sympathy and offer condolences toward me. I'll welcome that from one of my sisters. But, from my "other sister," I'll think it's just sort of fake. It's awful to have this old hurt souring things still. I wish I had taken her to task on it way back when it was going on. I was so afraid of precipitating a permanent rift. That's what I'm maddest over - that she made me feel so afraid. I walked on eggshells 13 years ago because I was so afraid. Having no children, I felt like I had to let any insult go by, so I wouldn't end up isolated in my old age. I'm older now and not so afraid. I'm not so afraid of growing old alone. I fee like telling her that.

What would anyone suggest?

Hey Rose ,

I just have a brother and we have a good relationship. No sisters although I always wanted one, but after seeing friends with sisters fight like rabid wolves at times I’m glad I don’t.

I don’t always respond to your threads as often I just can’t think of much advice to offer , but I read a lot.

Your life has been hard in so many ways on a million levels and you are struggling with a big loss coming at some point , maybe soon.

My advice ? Maybe I’d just leave sleeping dogs alone. Yes I’d probably like to know why such a gift? But I think I would really try and balance things out mentally Will it help me to dig up the past or is it best to just leave it as you did by saying Thanks.

I have some sleeping dogs in my past and some I have decided to leave alone, they could become a rabbit hole I might not survive falling into.

I’m sure the flowers are beautiful , maybe focus on that, instead of who ordered them online

Sometimes it’s just what it is. Can’t change people. Certainly can’t change family. At this point id probably not hash out something from 13 years ago. I have a slight suspicion that your sister was maybe hurt that she was caring for the father alone. She might have her own grievances. Maybe she got over it, accepted what is and now wants a connection. Maybe

I am sorry it brings you pain

Thanks for the responses. I think you're probably right. No point rehashing the past.

I don't trust her. Maybe it's wise that I just keep it that way. I guess I was looking for a way to restore the trust I used to place in her. She's smug, self-righteous, inauthentic, opportunistic. Still, if I was in a jam, she'ld want to help me. I don't want her ever going out of her way for me. She isn't all that thrilled with how her life turned out. I suppose I just should accept that I will never feel too close to her. She can't change. Neither can I.

When my guy dies, she'll send me something and invite me to come stay with her. I won't have the time. I'll thank her and say I'll visit her another time. Then I just won't. She'll wonder why I keep my distance. I don't have to explain anything.

I was going to say that you have every right to politely confront this if you so choose and ask what's the deal...but also, you have to weigh the cost/value of bringing it up and asking her about it. I'm sort of in the favor, for myself, of just bringing these things up with people and asking why all of a sudden I'm in their good graces again. But that's me. And certainly there are times when it's not worth it and say thanks and move on. I think this is one of those times. Unless you have any desire to be closer to your sister, I'd let sleeping dogs lie and just thank her for the gift and leave it be. However, if she wants to be closer to you, then a conversation needs to happen.

Thanks seesaw. I think it might be foolish to go opening up old wounds. She got real ugly back 13 years ago. I'll always be wary of her. She is an extremely defensive person. She probably thought-blocks any realization that she treated people pretty shabbily. Some in the family say she probably has a lot of sublimated guilt.

She's not someone I want to get close with. She can be icy and dismissive right when that's the last thing a person needs. I don't want another taste of that. For years, she hasn't been much of a presence in my life. I'ld rather we be distant than have her give me an emotional gut punch again. So she can keep sending the flowers. I guess it makes her feel good. It doesn't do me any harm.

Somethings in life are just mysteries. Maybe I'm best off to just accept that I don't understand her. I don't have to understand everything. She's someone I am distrustful of. If things can be superficially pleasant, maybe that's good enough. We have very different values. That came as a big surprise when I discovered how different. In some ways, she is a decent person. Most of my life I thought we were very good friends. That fizzled out a long time ago. I was saddened when I realized that it had. Something that I don't understand prompts her to send me expensive bouquets on my birthday. There's no harm in receiving those flowers. (This was not the first time she sent me flowers.) I'm kind of mystified. Life can be puzzling. I sure could have worse problems.

Yes, like I said, it goes back to if you want a closer, deeper relationship with her or if that's even possible. I have people in my life like this too, and I just accept whatever it is from them but just ignore the other stuff, mostly because they are incapable of resolving whatever conflict was between us, so I just accept their superficial stuff, and don't expect or engage in anything deeper with them. If that makes any sense?

I think that about sums it up. There's probably zero chance that my sister is ever going to admit that she was dishonest in making me out the villian and herself out the victim back when she was acting badly. Short of her doing that, nothing she can say will atone for her being the witch she turned into at that time. If she did it once, she is capable of doing it again. I don't plan on opening myself up to ever getting treated like that again.

Playing the role of "lady bountiful" now gives her some self-satisfaction. She likes making others the beneficiaries of her largess. She puts a lot of effort into cultivating the self-image she wants to have of herself. She does do nice things. She likes to offer her charity to her close relatives. I'm not interested in her handouts. To insult someone repeatedly and then give them expensive presents is crazy. I think, in future, I'll just continue to thank her politely and then move my attention elsewhere.

It may very well be that your sister is a narcissist and is grooming you. She walked away with the Lion's share of your father's estate, did not even CARE that your other sister struggles and really should have gotten something too, even YOU know that. She showed you who she really is all those years ago.

I have been learning the HARDEST lessons of my life from my older sister. The things she chose to do and manipulated and gaslighted has been incredible. Stuff I honestly could never imagine doing, so I did not see it until it was too late to change it.

She wants you to remember her for reasons most genuinely don't even think about. You are going to be single, no children, you are older so who will you leave whatever is left of you to? (even if there will be nothing, she really doesn't know that)

Thats what they do, throw you crumbs like this. It's more for themselves and that rarely changes. And bringing up the past will be a waste of time too. It's always nice to get flowers, just enjoy them. If there is something at all left, leave it to the sister that struggles and works so very hard and should have gotten something of what your father left.

It's sad that someone in one's own family can be this way. That's why it's best to not even try to talk about how badly she behaved because she may very well just answer that with some kind of emotional gut punch. However, you can choose to remain cordial as you have to keep some peace. It's nice that you are close with your youngest sister and the two of you can share so much with each other.

I have to admitt that I was hesitant to post to you Rose. I am still struggling badly with what I experienced that was so toxic with my own sister that I am actually still dealing with. Yet, I can totally relate to being on the recieving end of being treated in ways that for me were extremely gut wrenching and severely so.

Your being distant from it the way you were may have helped you avoid a lot more toxic than you realize too. Also, this sister may be the apple that was actually closest to the tree (your father). And she developed some traits that are very similar to the very traits your father had where you could never experience any true closeness with him.

In recalling what you had shared a while ago, your father's attitudes and strong opinions had an affect on the self esteem of all three of you.

Dear Rose (Open Eyes),
Oh my, you sound like my soul mate . I too have issues with my 2 sisters. My mother passed away a few months ago and the stories I could tell you....well maybe ours are pretty similar! I have no one really that I 'talk' too about this. My poor daughter has heard too much of it already and I don't like to burden her with silly issues like narcissistic sisters, she has a husband and two teenagers so even though we talk every day I try to steer away from those issues and keep our relationship the way it is which is the best in the world! Boy, I feel for you knowing your SO is ill. I am retired (officially) but still work with the elderly where I live and I know the struggles that people go through when caring for a loved one. IT'S HARD! Do people on here ever exchange phone numbers and talk? You sound like someone I would LOVE to know and commiserate with. LOL, not making light of it but sometimes ya gotta laugh just to keep your sanity when people treat you like crap and you don't know why....been going through that for years myself with my sisters unfortunately! Well, dear I wish you peace and happiness and all that is good! Take care of yourself....that is of the utmost importance! Have a great day! Carol

Yes . . . people do have way worse issues with siblings than what I complain about. Living on the opposite end of the country shields me quite a bit. I'm doing alright at the moment. Some relationships with immediate family change as time rolls along. Sometimes it's probably best to just put less time into thinking over what gets hard to understand.