The ELEPHANT in the relationship

Sat and listened to my husband this morning and he is very fatigued. As I mentioned he has been sober for about 32 years now and still attends AA meetings and supports others who commit to living a sober life.

The sad fact is that there are those who fail and sadly drink/drug themselves to death. A good friend of my husbands together with my husband tried to help the friend’s son get sober and sadly he drank himself to death at age 55 leaving a wife and two children.

Some people lie to themselves and decide they will just cut back. However, given how the body needs more to get that desired high and how alcohol affects the nervous system, they begin to consume more. Keep in mind that consuming alcohol creates anxiety as it withdraws. So the person begins to struggle more with anxiety and sleep problems. They don’t realize how all the alcohol they consumed one night with friends etc created these problems over the next few days.

There are times where it is just too unhealthy for your own mental health to stay with someone who continues to embrace their alcohol use or drug use disorder. These individuals want to continue to lie to themselves and often want to continue drinking in bars and hanging out with other drinkers and embracing the DRAMA that goes along with that lifestyle.

It’s OK to walk away and take care of your own mental health.

It is emotionally exhausting to live your life around their changing mood cycles due to the ebb and flow of their cycle of using alcohol or drugs. One minute they are nice and then they are short tempered and mean. It truly is living with a Dr. Jeckle and Mr Hyde personality.

Gillian May
Gillian May
Former nurse turned writer
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As someone who’s personally lived through alcohol addiction and watched others cope with alcohol addiction, I know that this is not a simple problem that can be solved overnight. The reasons we drink are complex, much more than we once thought. As a former mental health nurse, I also have a unique perspective and passion for this topic.
I see so many people comment on alcoholism in a way that blames the alcoholic for their own misery. While it’s true that people need to take responsibility for their actions in life, it’s never simple to say, “well, you chose to drink so you can choose to stop.” Yes, we need to choose to stop, but the way we get there is a messy ride full of complicated socioeconomic, health-related, mental health, and cultural issues. If people were able to easily stop their addictions, then we wouldn’t even need to worry about it the way we do.
After going through my sobriety journey (and witnessing other journeys, too), I know that sobriety takes looking deeper into why we drink in the first place. Focusing all our energy only on “not drinking” isn’t going to work for the long haul. For example, you can’t just slap a bandaid on a wound and expect it to go away. You have to actually understand how the wound got there and work patiently to clean and extract the infection before it can heal. The same goes for getting sober.
So let’s go back to why we drink heavily in the first place. Research says that most people who drink heavily have some degree of adverse childhood experiences, which is a fancy word for trauma. It’s trauma that introduces us to the profound need to escape. And it doesn’t have to be the worst trauma ever, just enough to overwhelm us wanting to escape from the present moment.
And when we look at it that way, we can see that trauma may even be at the root of most of our escapist behaviors. And if that’s true, then heavy drinking is one of many ways we, as humans, escape our uncomfortable feelings. Other ways we escape are through the internet, tv, gambling, shopping, working, and even working out. Unfortunately, some ways to escape are more dangerous than others, which is why heavy drinking is so problematic.
If you notice, I’m not using the word alcoholism here — instead, I’m referring to heavy drinking. What people need to understand, and what experts have told us, is that heavy drinking is not vastly different than alcoholism, and it affects far more people than we care to admit. This lack of insight about our drinking is because we’ve lulled ourselves into thinking there’s a difference between people who are “alcoholics” versus people who like to drink a lot.
In 2016, alcohol and heavy drinking were the leading cause of death and disability in people ages 15–49 years old globally. And according to the WHO:
The average person in the US consumed 9.97 liters of pure alcohol this past year.
Heavy alcohol use contributes to 3 million deaths worldwide annually.
Alcohol plays a significant negative role in over 230 different diseases.
Alcohol causes significant harm to those around the drinker as well.
Heavy drinking is anything past the safe drinking standard, which is no more than 1 drink a day for women and 2 drinks a day for men. Also, we need to consider heavy episodic drinking as well, which is anything over 4 drinks on one occasion for a woman and more than 5 drinks on one occasion for a man.These facts are important because many people believe their drinking is safe simply because they may not drink every day. The truth is that heavy drinking is quite prevalent in many parts of the globe.
We also know that PTSD and trauma issues are very pervasive as well. In the US, around 70% of people have experienced trauma in their lifetime. One study shows that heavy alcohol use is correlated with heavy alcohol consumption in adults with PTSD or past trauma.
Those who end up engaging in heavy drinking likely do so to self-medicate. While this is an understandable goal, it also sets us up for worsening mental health and trauma-induced symptoms as well as a host of serious health problems. Understanding these facts can help us see our alcohol use for what it is — a potentially dangerous way to cope with the disturbing and uncomfortable aftermath of trauma and adverse experiences.
The more we shine a light on this, the more we can take matters into our hands. Defining the root causes of heavy drinking gets us away from the delusion that alcohol abuse is due to weakness or lack of concern for ourselves or others.
The other truth we can’t ignore is that trauma care is sorely lacking at the moment, and the demand is high. It makes sense that in the absence of mental health care, trauma therapy, or other accessible interventions, people are likely to choose self-medication. So instead of asking why the drinker chooses to self-medicate and doesn’t stop, maybe the question has to be — what do we do with all of our pain?
The more that people understand this, the more we can have new conversations that look at how we can help ourselves. How can we increase support for people working through trauma? And what can we do to heal so that we’re not forced to self-medicate with dangerous substances like alcohol?

The above information gives another reason someone can develop a problem with alcohol. It becomes a way to self medicate to escape the affects of trauma and ptsd.

That’s why it’s important one who’s spouse develops AUD to pay attention to children as a high percentage of children are traumatized by the behaviors of the alcoholic parent who’s mood changes are unpredictable and confusing. Often the child will also begin self medicating with alcohol and other drugs.

Given that about 60% of those with ADD/ADHD self medicate with alcohol/marijuana/and stimulants like cocaine, caffeine and nicotine. A partner or child never really knows what state they are in.

What people don’t understand about ADD/ADHD is that it’s a disorder of SELF regulation, not attention. It’s a struggle to produce dopamine due to how their brain is and they can have many discussions going on in their minds all at once. My husband who has ADHD talks out loud a lot in the shower, while working on his boat, and it can get distracting because you wonder if he is talking to someone or himself.

People with this challenge like to go to clubs and drink and listen to music and interact. They like drama and people because they derive a dopamine rush. They become addicted to this life style along with several failed relationships.

Yes, these individuals have a problem they need help for. Yet, it’s important for a partner or child or friend to understand it’s not their fault when this kind of individual is unhappy and takes it out on others.

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When a person abuses alcohol, either by consuming large amounts or for an extended period, it can have detrimental effects on their physical and mental well-being. These effects can significantly disrupt a person's life if left unaddressed. One example of such consequences is alcohol-induced psychosis, which can lead to irrational behavior and other adverse outcomes. Understanding the implications of this diagnosis and seeking appropriate help is crucial for addressing the issue effectively.
What Is Alcohol-Induced Psychosis?
Alcohol-induced psychosis can occur in individuals who engage in prolonged and excessive alcohol consumption. It is characterized by the emergence of psychotic symptoms, including delusions, hallucinations, and disordered thinking. These symptoms indicate the toxic effects of alcohol on the brain and can be distressing for the person experiencing them, impairing their daily functioning.
The exact cause of alcohol-induced psychosis is not fully understood, but it is believed to be associated with the disruption of neurotransmitter systems in the brain that regulate mood, perception, and cognition. Chronic alcohol abuse can also lead to structural and functional changes in the brain, contributing to the development of psychotic symptoms. Treating alcohol-induced psychosis typically involves addressing the underlying alcohol abuse through detoxification, rehabilitation, and therapy, with the goal of preventing further episodes of psychosis and promoting long-term recovery.
Symptoms of Alcohol-Induced Psychosis
This serious condition can significantly impact a person's mental health and overall well-being. The severity and duration of symptoms may vary, and can include the following:
Delusions: False beliefs or ideas that are not based on reality, often of a paranoid nature, involving unfounded suspicions of others plotting against them.
Hallucinations: Sensations of sights, sounds, smells, or sensations that are not based on reality. Alcoholic hallucinations can manifest as auditory, visual, or tactile experiences.
Disordered thinking: Difficulty organizing thoughts and making sense of the surrounding world, leading to confusion, disorientation, and challenges in communication.
Agitation: Restlessness, irritability, and heightened emotional arousal. Agitation can be intense and may result in aggressive or violent behavior.
Depression: Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness. Depression associated with alcohol-induced psychosis can be severe and increase the risk of suicide.
The Dangers of Alcohol-Induced Psychosis
The symptoms of alcohol-induced psychosis can cause significant distress and impair a person's daily functioning. Delusions and hallucinations may lead to irrational and potentially harmful behavior, while disordered thinking and depression can heighten the risk of suicide. Additionally, this condition often indicates an underlying alcohol abuse problem, which can have severe long-term health consequences, including liver damage, heart disease, pancreatitis, and cancer. Seeking help promptly is crucial for individuals experiencing these symptoms to prevent further harm and promote long-term recovery.

It is important to remember that alcohol-induced psychosis is a serious condition that requires professional assistance for proper diagnosis and treatment. Seeking help from healthcare professionals, addiction specialists, and mental health professionals is crucial in addressing both the immediate symptoms of alcohol-induced psychosis and the underlying alcohol abuse problem. With the right support and treatment, individuals can regain control of their lives, manage their alcohol consumption, and work towards long-term recovery and improved mental well-being. Remember, there is hope and help available for those facing alcohol-induced psychosis, and reaching out for support is a courageous first step towards a healthier and more fulfilling life.

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Anyone that like to pop their benzodiazepines?

How Alcohol Affects Your Mental Health
22 days ago
Gillian May
Gillian May
Former nurse turned writer
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I’m 7 years sober, and I’ve suffered from depression, anxiety, and alcohol issues most of my life. My father also suffered from the same thing, but unfortunately, he didn’t make it. He was able to seek help for his depression, but he couldn’t bring himself to quit drinking. And this eventually took his life.
Alcohol was the single worst cause of my anxiety and depression. I knew this from both my personal experience and because I used to be a mental health nurse. The research is quite clear when it comes to alcohol and mental health — if you suffer from any type of mental health issue, alcohol will make it worse.
Within a month of quitting drinking, my anxiety and depression symptoms improved and not just a little — a lot. I was more relaxed, slept better, and didn’t wake up anxious the way I usually did after drinking. I also seemed to digest food better and could gather my thoughts more rationally.
During my drinking binges, the worst anxiety I ever had was after I stopped drinking for a few days. And of course, I knew why that was — the most common symptom of alcohol withdrawal is anxiety.
And even though I knew this as a nurse, I was addicted to alcohol, so I couldn’t face it. It was my crutch, and as horrible as it sounds, I preferred to stay sick rather than quit drinking. This was also the same reasoning that my father followed.
I suspect this is a popular story amongst many who have mental health issues and who also drink too much. We know it doesn’t help our physical or mental health, but we can’t stop. More so, we can’t really talk about it either because doing so would force us to reconsider our drinking habits.
Most of us with mental health issues choose alcohol because it relaxes us and seems to help our symptoms at first. Indeed, one or two drinks usually has a calming effect. The reason for this is that alcohol seems to calm our our nervous system, which is why we initially feel good.
Unfortunately, once we have a few drinks and then stop for the night, the nervous system rebounds from that calm state and snaps in the opposite direction. This is why we feel so anxious when the alcohol starts to wear off.
It’s important to know that even a few drinks can cause this challenging effect. Even more importantly, those who suffer from mental health issues are already known to have a sensitive nervous system. This means we’re already prone to significant swings in our neurological synapses, so adding more irritating substances can have devastating effects.
The problem is, people with mental health issues already have a lot on their plate. Not only do we have to deal with our life-altering symptoms, but we cope with stigma and judgment everywhere we turn. And guess what else has a lot of stigma attached to it? Alcohol addiction.
So those of us with mental health and addiction issues can really find ourselves in trouble. No matter which way we turn, someone is going to judge us for both our mental health and alcohol problems.
This is why most of us stay silent. And even if we begin to speak out about our mental health issues, we will usually maintain our silence about alcohol. After all, why would we tattle-tale on our favorite coping mechanism? Unfortunately, this leads to worsening mental health and addiction symptoms.
This was the case for me until I reached out for help and quit drinking. However, my father stayed silent, continued his drinking, and paid the ultimate price.
In the mental health system, we usually refer to people with both mental health and addiction issues as having concurrent disorders. The research shows that those with concurrent disorders are at higher risk of suicide, severe disability, and death.
However, the reason people stay silent about their alcohol issues, is because they feel it helps them cope with their mental health. But what if people knew more about the effects of alcohol and exactly why it makes their mental health worse?
Yes, many of us know that excessive drinking isn’t good for us, but most of us don’t understand why. More so, when you’re already hanging by a thread due to severe depression, you might need a damn good reason to give up the one thing you believe helps you, right?
The best we can do now is to talk about this more openly and with better information. As a former nurse and alcoholic, I’m committed to getting this info out there the best way I can.
Quitting drinking helped my nervous system find balance again. Only then, could I address my depression and anxiety adequately. Alcohol only further confused my mental health and made it virtually impossible to find the root cause.
You should also know that if you take medication for depression or anxiety, alcohol will prevent it from working correctly. Alcohol interacts with most mental health prescriptions by blocking the body from metabolizing it properly. Even more frightening is that adding alcohol with prescription medication causes severe stress to the liver and possibly other organs.
If that’s not bad enough, you should know that a stressed liver also causes problems in our nervous system, which may further our mental health problems.
So you can see that alcohol causes a vicious cycle that only feeds into worsening addiction and mental health issues.
If you’re someone who drinks heavily and also has mental health problems, please talk to your doctor about it. Staying silent can have severe repercussions. I know it’s hard to find non-judgmental help, but with a little perseverance, you’ll find what you need.
You’re not alone, and trust me, help is out there. There are better ways to cope with and relieve the symptoms of mental health issues. But unfortunately, alcohol is not one of them

I thought I would bring up this thread again because I see here and there how the use of drugs and/or alcohol is very much a part of a failed relationship.

If you are in a relationship with someone who uses drugs or alcohol it’s important to understand whatever the addiction is IT ALWAYS comes FIRST. People who have problems prefer to ignore the fact that they do have a problem. They often have failed relationships both at work and with friends and partners. Often they blame others and play the poor me card yet they are very much THE problem. Part of blaming others is so that the addict can be in denial. Part of addictions is DENIAL.

People with addiction problems don’t drink or use because you are not good enough (you meaning the non addict). The problem is in the addict themselves.

People that have addiction problems like to be around others that also drink and use drugs. This is part of their denial because others party and go clubbing too. Yet, these individuals lead VERY DYSFUNTIONAL lives. Often they go from one dysfunctional relationship to another. Always wanting the high of love only to end up with one disaster after another.

ANYONE who chooses to consume alcohol while on antidepressant and other psych meds like antipsychotics or benzos has AUD.

If you are in a relationship with someone that thinks it’s ok to go to clubs etc and consume alcohol and hang in these social scenes has a problem and often they engage with others that also have a problem and enable them. These individuals are NOT friends. Instead they just want to be around others that drink, drug, and party and embrace discarding self awareness.

When someone is on antidepressants like Cymbalta for example it is hard for their liver to filter out toxins. If a person chooses to consume alcohol as well that is hard for the liver to filter often causing damage to the liver it increases developing liver disease.

People who have AUD notoriously prefer to practice denial that they have a problem. They can get nasty and quite mean towards anyone suggesting they have a problem.

DO NOT ENABLE this person. This kind of person likes to blame everyone else and can become quite mean and narcissistic.

It’s very much like a narcissist with flying monkeys when it comes to these social scenes built around using alcohol and other drugs.

People who develop an addiction to alcohol/drugs tend to have a problem regulating their emotions. They can get to the point where they are self medicating all day. However others bing and tend to self medicate when they socialize. Unfortunately, should others in their social scene somehow challenge them emotionally they consume more alcohol and blame how drunk they get on other people. The reality is, it’s not other people but instead due to their own inability to regulate their own emotions.

People who develop alcohol/drug abuse problems will often embrace denial that they have a problem because they don’t want to give up their go to fix when they can’t regulate their own emotions.

Having a relationship with someone that is challenged this way is ALWAYS unhealthy because you will suffer through their rages and be blamed whenever they can’t regulate their emotions. Also they will tell you that YOU are the one with the problem when you try to point out their behaviors and your concern about their drinking.

It is not just the alcohol but how the person never learned how to regulate their emotions. So if there is no therapy for that when not using the alcohol/drugs the person often becomes a dry drunk and will often take out their emotional upset on you or others.

This is always hard on spouses and children who often end up thinking the problem is their fault or that they are not good enough.

If your spouse or friend has a problem it’s not your fault.
If you use alcohol to regulate your emotions then STOP blaming others and face the fact that you DO HAVE A PROBLEM.

My husband contributed his time to set up the Alcothon for Thanks giving where they served a Thanksgiving meal and had all kinds of speakers. Almost 2,000 people showed up from all over and all walks of life. Don’t just assume you are too good for AA or that only losers go to those meetings. As in anything there are jerks, however, there are also good people who offer support to others to learn how to live sober and learn how to better manage the challenges with regulating emotions.