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Magnate
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#41
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#42
No, it doesn't really go away with age, it's something that most humans practice throughout their lives.
I remember there was a girl in my highschool that had that rare disease where someone ages rapidly. She looked like an old woman and she was only a teenager. So, many of the students did not know what to think when they saw her as it's not something someone sees very often. There was gossip about her, not mean or bad, but more as a way to learn about why this girl was different. It was more of an effort to not fear her but to understand her instead. That made others more comfortable around her and to respect her better. So not all gossip is bad. |
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Magnate
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#43
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#44
Yes, sadly these individuals don't live full lives. This particular girl happened to be one of the longest living with this rare disease too. If I remember correctly she lived until early twenties. She was small, not quite 4' tall even and very petite. She always wore a wig as often these individuals don't have much hair of their own.
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rdgrad15
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Magnate
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#45
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#46
Yes, and I got to know her and other than her age appearance, she was a nice person and kind personality.
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rdgrad15
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Magnate
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#47
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#48
So, you stayed involved in education rgrad, can you tell me why you decided to engage that kind of career?
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rdgrad15
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Magnate
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#49
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#50
Oh, that sounds like a good direction for you regrad. And because you changed your mind you can let others know it can happen during our path. My daughter was going to be a teacher, she loves education, but she changed her major and works in the corporate world instead and earns more money. I think a lot of students get stressed when they begin to change their mind. It's pretty normal actually.
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#51
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#52
Earlier in your thread you mentioned you had a gut feeling about a certain individual that had a superior air to her. Well, a lot of the time, our gut feeling is right. We actually do learn a lot about others during our childhood, we do tend to develop these gut feelings as we experience different individuals that can prove to be unfriendly or invade or try to control our boundaries in ways that contribute to our not feeling safe.
When you realized how some individuals never change, never grow out of the behaviors they portrayed in high school that they developed and used to navigate, yes, that's how it is more often than not. If someone did not have any respect for authority figures and took pleasure in breaking the rules, and found joy in doing that, that is often the same type of behavior that individual maintains even as an adult. Often they don't really grow out of it, but instead just learn more ways of maintaining and achieving it better. When I interact with you rdgrad, I learn you are a "nice" person. And I think at your core, you were always that way. And because of that, you are always going to observe behaviors that you will feel in your gut that the other individual isn't one who has depth or ability to be trusted. And what is important to remember about that, is that when that other individual fails to be responsible, they are always going to blame that on others, it's how they NAVIGATE. One of the things I experienced recently is how an individual like what I described can pick up another individual that will actually support them while they choose to go on their smear campaign. I am sure if you sit and think about that rdgrad, that's what you experienced in high school. You said, it was the worst in high school, yet, you think about the more recent you experienced of that which is in college. The reason for this rdgrad, is that it was worse in high school due to how high school is smaller and more intimate and in college it isn't that way because high school is a more intimate environment like a very small town compared to a large bustling city. It sounds like for you, even though college has some elements similar to high school, it felt safer because it was not smaller and as confined as high school is. In another thread of yours, you described how you felt once old friends you had in college began to disappear. Well, because college is a larger community, you were able to come across other nice people and you did not have that old feeling you experienced in high school as much, instead you exerienced some more rewarding relationships. Even in a place you spent time with these friends socializing and had some good times in is now somehow changed. It's there, but it's not there the way is used to be. When a person once again reduces their environment, like for instance instead of being a college student where you meet so many others and find a nice group of friends, and now its a smaller community of faculty? Something becomes familiar again as you have shared. Often that's because you are now dealing with a smaller group again, and you are noticing behavior patterns that can be so similar to what it was like in high school. You miss something, something you experienced on that large campus that provided you with good memories and experiences. It very possible that your friends moved away because they began to feel it too depending on what their career goals were. You stayed because you felt the environment could continue providing you with a place you can flourish. When my daughter graduated from high school, and she did like high school because she liked a lot of the teachers, enjoyed the support they gave her while she was learning and she does like that even in the horse world too, she enjoyed being a student with different teachers. When it came to college I sat and listened to the meeting the staff had for the parents. They talked about how the first year for many students is very scary. They talked about how many students express a desire to return home, and how as parents we need to not give into that and instead encourage them to stay and adjust. The bottom line is that because they no longer have that smaller sense of community they experienced in high school, they often feel very out of sorts and lost. Fortunately, my daughter was not like that, my daughter embraced and loved it. My daughter loved the fact that it was not such a confined community and thinking back on why, I think it was due to how I raised her to expand her exposure to many instead of just being confined. Basically, my message to my daughter was "you don't like the bus when it has bullies?, find another way of transportation and I always let her feel free if she wanted me to drive her to school. I paid attention to when she experienced that contolling trainer, he told her how she would not find another trainer if she left him, and I proved to her NEVER listen to that, instead leave and find another trainer. I also told her, if you find yourself in a group and there are bullies that like to make you feel bad?, leave that group and find a nicer group. So basically, by the time she got to college, she did not need that sense of smaller community, she had already learned important navigational skills so she was not scared. She learned how to develop a group of friends just as you had in collage. She also was more capable of handling a larger corporate world that has a bigger community verses a smaller confined community. She flew out to San Francisco from the east coast to a big corporate gathering, she sat in a large conference room with strangers, many of which were on higher levels. She presented as more mature and presented questions that many of these individuals were impressed by. And a lot of that was because she learned to expand instead of just staying confined in a smaller group. Because she learned how to walk away from the control of that one trainer and learned how to engage more than one trainer, she learned how to find better mentors too. Sometimes if the sandbox is little and someone only learns to play in that small sandbox, they can feel uncomfortable playing in a much bigger sandbox that isn't so confined. This is expecially true for individuals that control the sandbox and get angry if that is somehow challenged. I think you enjoy the bigger sandbox rdgrad, because you learned there are better things to experience when the sandbox is bigger and you found nice people because of that. I think it's possible that when you returned to that smaller type of community, you may have started to experience old anxieties that are due to how often a certain type of smaller community can have the same dynamics of individuals that interacted in unhealthy ways. So it could be that while you are at a big college campus, and you have found memories, the faculty you experienced meant something different then how you are experiencing the faculty now. Now, that faculty is in itelf a smaller community within that biggered town size campus. So, the social dynamics can lend to the behaviors you encountered before that did not agree with you. Often it's that kind of transition that can present challenges that a person did not do well in. And YES it's not unusual to run into those with that Superior attitude and those that gossip and can be controlling and blame others instead of admitting their own lacks. Actually, it's taken me a while to write this post to you because I have been inturpted by things I am dealing with here on my farm. I have a young man helping me with the barn work and for him it's helping him feel useful and productive. This young man has a very challenged history, grew up via state care verses a normal family because his parents were not able to provide a safe home for him. He struggles with ADHD and relationship challenges and turned to alcohol to help him deal with not only the ADHD, but also never really experiencing a normal home environment. He also struggles with PTSD. So I had to go out and talk to him and discuss what I needed and I know that once he gets that, he will do it all the way that works best for him in terms of organizing how he best gets what I want accomplished. The other thing he shared with me is that the one mentor role model he had, his uncle, just passed away two months ago. He is a very lost young man right now. Just needed to talk a bit but also be allowed to do something that is productive. Well, for myself? That happens to be what I do well at, working with individuals one on one. That's what I did when I taught, worked with children one on one and figuring out how they function that works best for them and helping them understand it as well. Then I have another guest arriving, a policeman that is bringing his young son here to fish in my pond. I had to tell him to bring bug spray because the nats are out early. To stay away from the rocks due to snakes, and to be careful when casting lines in the water because I have a pair of muskrats and I love my muskrats and don't want them to accidently get hooked. Also, we only do catch and release here too. Also, not to venture up to the barn or around my ponies so as not to pet them because I touch them a lot and I want this young man to have his space so he can do the work without being interupted, he likes to work without being inturupted. I GET THAT, no problem it's how he functions best. So, everyone gets to have their space to enjoy what's here, including my muskrats and the other wildlife I have here. I want this young man to stay sober, to have some space with a sense of personal control. I am not one that needs to micro manage and he does best when it's like that so he feels he has control over what needs to get done. As long as he stays sober and is productive, I am fine with him coming and getting to feel productive. No one gets owned here, it's more about respecting and sharing, no space hogging and gossiping or smearing and dumping and hovering crap. So getting back to you rdgrad, I think you would fair best in finding a way to share the experience you had with students so they can navigate that big world they are entering into looking to figure out what would work best for them and getting an education that can help them do just that. I think if you can have that kind of career without having to deal with a small community that gets too much like it was in high school, you will fair better. You may fair well too if you develop some good relationships with some students that are more free ranging like your group of friends were. It's really ok if you prefer to distance yourself from that smaller type sandbox, experience has showed you it's not really your cup of tea and that's ok. Last edited by Open Eyes; Apr 05, 2020 at 03:05 PM.. |
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rdgrad15
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Magnate
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#53
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The interesting thing about my college is that it is built more like a high school. There are four academic buildings all connected to each other which makes one big building. If they wanted to convert it into a high school, it would be so easy to do so. It is more of a series of wings rather than separate buildings, although they still have individual names like most colleges and universities have. The only buildings you have to walk outside to get to are the dorms, the gym, and the library which is actually connected to the other academic buildings on the outside, but can't get to it from the inside. Different design for a college/university campus since it has recently become a university. Just some interesting fun facts there. So I can see why you would think that it would be much bigger. In a way though, I do like smaller environments better just because the crowds aren't as big but at the same time, bigger environments can be more beneficial since it's easier to get away from drama and you have more people to choose from in terms of friends. And in terms of my work, the high school I work at has around 1,400 students, roughly the same size as the college/university I attended. So it is a smaller environment and the fact that I work in a high school, even though it's a different district than the one I attended as a student, some of my coworker's behaviors does remind me of my time in high school. In high school, there was gossiping and rumors which wasn't pleasant. And at my work, there is gossiping that takes place. Even then it's not as bad as it was in high school, but at the same times, there is that general sense of having to be careful and not trusting others that much. In college, I had to be careful too, honestly you have to be careful anywhere you go. But it wasn't as bad. In most cases, if there was rumors being spread, either the person just had a superiority complex or, in one case, it was the work of someone trying to find a way out of a friendship in a ver cowardly way. As soon as the person was out of the friendship, she stopped talking bad and even went back to being nice. Really weird. But yeah, anytime I see someone acting in a way that was similar to high school, it raises alarm bells. And the one friend that seemed to distance herself, if you're referring to the casual friend I've mentioned multiple times, we are still friends and still hang out. She went two years acting way more distant but then suddenly wanted to reconnect. In fact, I think I know why she did that and it relates to another thread I started that was about others not wanting to associate with you if you're friends with someone else who's toxic. We were both friends with someone who always acted like she was better than others and loved to complain to get her way. Her way of getting the things she wanted and just in general getting her way was to act like she was depressed and angry only to be super happy and even rub it in when she got her way. Eventually, once my casual friend left the school, I still maintained a friendship with the toxic friend thinking and hoping she would change. She never did and was very rude to me. At the same time, the casual friend began to talk less and less. Even after I graduated, if I was going back to visit the school, I would let my casual friend know and she would make up lame excuses that she admits now that were just ways of getting out of seeing the toxic person. The only times me and the casual friend did hang out was when I was not going to visit the campus. As soon as I completely stopped hanging out with the toxic friend, my casual friend suddenly wanted to hang out way more. I took this as a sign that she just didn't want to hang out with me when I was still friends with the toxic person, hoping she would change. I give people too many chances and wait too long, hoping they would change. But yeah, overall, it usually depends on who the people are in a specific environment. My high school was bigger but there was more drama and rumors. My college/university was smaller but people were overall, generally nicer. My work is also smaller, especially if you count just my coworkers which is about 10 of us average give or take each year and I don't get good vibes there. So it really just depends. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#54
Thanks for explaining it all rdgrad so I understand it better. Yes, usually a college campus is much bigger than that of high school so that's what is comonly pictured. What you shared helps me understand the dynamic much better.
YES, it can be a problem when you happen to be friendly with someone that another person had a bad experience with and they choose to distance because of that. It sounds like the one you reconnected with was just trying to repsect your right to be friends with anyone you chose, but she kept her distance due to her really not wanting to be around that person. That does happen and it's not really that you are not liked or are a bad person. And you are right, some individuals simply don't change and it can get to a point where you need to distance as well. Quote:
I gotta be honest in that rather than be involved with a toxic person I experienced, I myself will often just distance altogether. I have tried to at least explain how I simply don't care to engage in things if that person is also going to be there too. Yet, I don't want the person I like to feel I am telling them who to like and not to like either. I think people have a right to like whomever they want and I personally don't like it when someone tries to tell me who I can and cannot like either. And it sounds like you found out why this girl kept her distance and feels safer now that you yourself have distanced to interact with you more. |
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#55
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#56
I think you are a nice person rgrad, and you don't like conflicts. Often that can come from a person's history where a parent or some other adult or even sibling engaged in yelling, hitting, and emotionally abusing.
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Magnate
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#57
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