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Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#101
Thank you for your honesty! While I need validation desperately, I can also take some constructive criticism I have burned her pretty hard before on being left out. That is probably why she nitpicks the issue on the smallest things. I also agree that it is getting harder to remember her on stuff because I'm shutting down emotionally. It's like, the more I close myself off the calmer I feel. But everything in our relationship becomes so mechanical. It sucks when things you used to do spontaneously out of love become something on a list that you do periodically to keep her from harrassing you.
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Breaking Dawn, Have Hope, MsLady, Open Eyes
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2020
Location: Earth
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#102
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Breaking Dawn, Open Eyes
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guy1111
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
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#103
Well, now I'm worried. Everything seems to be smooth but I'm starting to get chest pains and other stress induced physical problems. I don't feel particularly more stressed out. So I'm wondering if I'm pushing my feelings down and mentally I feel fine, but now it's popping up physically.
So this morning I was thinking this might be a good excuse to start looking at couples therapy. I could say that I'm not sure what the problem is, but I'm starting to have stress issues. Then when we get there, just tell them everything I'm going through with her behavior. But we went on a hike with some other people and we had a great time and went to bed feeling fine. So, I don't know... |
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Breaking Dawn, Open Eyes
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
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#104
Yes, stress can certainly cause physical issues, particularly when we push it all down and inside. I think you have a good idea regarding couples therapy. I would say especially if the physical issues persist, then it's definitely a good thing to follow through on. It may be a good idea, regardless.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Breaking Dawn
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guy1111
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#105
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I'm struggling to accept that I have to share my feelings here in an anonymous public forum. I'm so sensitive to issues of infidelity that even this feels like I'm not being faithful to her. As a dude, I feel weird working on emotional issues. I contemplated reading romantic books or something to get my needs met. I'm very much not into that stuff, but I know that sexual fantasy can be an outlet for excessive sexual energy that a partner can't help you release. Safer than cheating. So wierd. I feel so weird right now. Maybe not being able to go to the gym is lowering my testosterone? Maybe I need to just go smash something? Just kidding. |
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Have Hope, Open Eyes
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,143
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#106
What about seeing a sex therapist, either on your own or with your wife?
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guy1111
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#107
One of the things I have been thinking about lately is that maybe part of the frustration is due to experiencing a relationship with someone who tends to need to "control" their availablity to "my" needs too much.
Some people interact in ways where THEY need to control too much. That tends to come out as often knowing you like XYZ, but only giving you XYZ when THEY want rather than respecting your needs in a more consistent way. This can lead to feeling you are at their mercy more instead of having the feeling of consistent mutual respect. So, you have a nice day hiking with your wife, was that because SHE had a nice day and things ended up ok? Sometimes that's the glitch that tends to produce this feeling you are having that you have not quite identified yet. In other words, do good connections ONLY happen when SHE decides it's ok? That can trigger when that dynamic took place in one's childhood where fun/good/positive things happened only when a parent decided they can happen. I am also thinking about "well, things went ok and we had good sex last night" and yet, wasn't that UP TO HER and you don't know WHEN you can have that happen again? |
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guy1111, MsLady
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#108
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#109
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Have Hope
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
6 |
#110
I don't think sex is the problem. If anything it's intimacy. I can't get close enough to her to care. It's more like we are back to dating. It's like I'm not fully invested any more and we just have some weekend flings. It's fun, it's ok, but it's not deep. Maybe I should just be grateful I have a life partner and the kids have some stable parents.
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,095
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#111
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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guy1111
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,143
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#112
Quote:
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guy1111
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,143
4 360 hugs
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#113
Quote:
Predicting Divorce: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalpyse |
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guy1111
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#114
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Open Eyes
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#115
Your marriage sounds incredibly stressful to even read about let alone live through this. It can’t be good for your overall health and well being
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#116
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
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#117
I think being assertive might help to a degree but it’s likely to cause fights and won’t make it any easier. I am pretty assertive (I am the same way irl as I am here, I am straight forward and don’t buy BS) yet I’ve met a few men who were just not considerate and were self absorbed. Me being assertive didn’t make them less selfish. It’s likely contributed to me not sticking around and leaving them but it sure didn’t change who they were. They were who they were. And they certainly aren’t any different now. It’s just that I am not around. Your wife is who she is
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guy1111, MsLady
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,143
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#118
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guy1111
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,143
4 360 hugs
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#119
I resorted to texting/emailing. Maybe you can revisit this idea? Careful not to get sucked into a whirlwind, though.. it'll undoubtedly happen. Keep it minimal, objective, and focused. If she diverts the conversation, bring it back to point.
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guy1111
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,095
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#120
If it were me, I would say point blank "we've got a serious communication problem and either it gets worked on and improved or we're going to continue to have marital issues -- and right now, we have marital issues that are preventing me from being happy in this relationship".
That's also what I am working myself up to saying in my own marriage. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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guy1111
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