[Fenfaerielee]

I have been seeing someone new since my abusive rship ended. We've been together for nearly 3 years now but there are a few issues in our rship.

Nearly everytime I open up about things that've been going on in my life such as dealing/living with a narc parent and toxic family, Asperger's, chronic health condition, bullying at work etc my OH usually will just dismiss it / act all positive or will say how I've got it all wrong.

He is not a 'macho man' type nor a cold emotionally unavailable type, and I could've sworn this guy was nothing like my exes. He is certainly nothing like my nparent anyway.

Any advice and help for me/us?

[Bill3]

What if you talk with him about the problem?

[Hi IM Dan]

What if from his perspective he believes theres nothing he can actually do to solve any of the problems mentioned so the next best thing is to praise positivity in the situations.

How would you like him to approach the problems you've listed? Ask more questions? What if he feels its not his place to comment on your family, he doesn't know much about the health related problems, and bullying his opinion is to walk away from a fight? Be specific with him for all you know hes handling the best he knows how to.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Fenfaerielee: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

You asked if there is any help for you & your OH. One way to look at this is, perhaps, that it may be a matter of communications. So, below, I've provided you with links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on that subject. I would have to say, though, that I'm a bit of a fatalist. Plus I'm married to woman who tends to have the same sorts of reactions your OH does.

Over the years, I've simply learned to keep most of what I might otherwise like to talk about to myself because I already know what the response will be. So my inclination would be to say "the tiger does not change his stripes", as the saying goes. And so, if you can't learn to just keep it all to yourself, the alternative may be to find someone else you can confide in perhaps by seeing a mental health therapist or finding a support group you can join. At least that's my admittedly jaded perspective on your situation.

Of course, if your OH would be willing to participate in some couples counseling, that could certainly be another option as well. So I've also included a link to an article that discusses reasons to seek couples counseling. Here are the links to those articles:

9 Steps to Better Communication Today

Communication Pitfalls & Pointers for Couples; Psych Central

6 Ways Men & Women Communicate Differently

Conflict Resolution and Communication Styles

How to Ask Your Spouse for Support—Without Sounding Like a Nag or Critic

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-sign...es-counseling/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[MsLady]

I would have a talk with him. It sounds like you're saying he's not validating you're feelings.

I think it's important for our partners to hear us out without trying to "fix" our issues (being discussed) or "teach" us how to "look on the bright side". At the end of the day, he needs to be supportive to "you" and not every "D.ck and Harry" you're talking about.

I'm guessing he's unaware and thinks he's being supportive to you by being so positive about things. Talk with him.

On the flip side, if he's aware that you have Asperger's (from what I understand) who has difficulties understanding social cues, he could also be gaslighting you to think it's your condition (and not the other person) that's at "fault". It's a far stretch so, again, find out.

[Have Hope]

If he says you've got it all wrong and dismisses what you're explaining and detailing to him, he is minimizing and dismissing the impact it's had on you, and he is not validating your experiences or your feelings. That would really bother me in a relationship, if it were me.

Can you talk to him about his responses to you, tell him what you need from him when you talk to him about these things, and tell him that you feel invalidated because he tells you you have it all wrong? You're not wrong. It's your experience. If you are being bullied, you are being bullied. And if you have a narc parent and toxic family, that is going to effect you negatively, and that's very valid. Sounds like he cannot be supportive of you, which is what you need from him. I would talk to him about this. You need support and validation. Hugs to you.