Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

I have to second Divine that if there is any hope of saving your marriage, you need marital therapy now, not with the next blowup. It will be too late by then, as you stated you can already feel yourself emotionally withdrawing.

You also don't have to tell him what your reasons are. Just tell him it's best left to discuss in therapy, but they are for the health and happiness of your marriage.
And the bottom line is, therapy may just delay the inevitable anyways.

From what you've posted, he just doesn't seem to be a good fit for you. He sounds like he would be happiest with a sugar mama. Someone taking care of him, doling out his weekly allowance like a ten year old. And I'm not making that wrong, there are women willing to fill that role, especially if they are lonely and rich. They both benefit in their own way. They're using each other, but they're both happy and know it for what it is. He'd be her pet.

I would also like to point out that you want to save money to move. This is a question for a lawyer, but that could be considered joint money, as it was acquired during the course of the marriage, and he would be entitled to half of whatever you save. It would be no different than when a man makes much more than his wife (which sadly is often the case), socks a bunch of money away, divorces his wife, then tries to keep all that money for himself. Judges won't often agree to that.
You will have to look closely at whether it's better to move out using credit, or save knowing you may only be able to keep half of it.

I also acknowledge you seem to truly love your husband, you just don't like him. That makes it very tough.

Was he upset you didn’t discuss it with him first and that you didn’t pick the place together, regardless who is paying?

I am not trying to excuse his behavior, but was it a surprise purchase like a birthday gift or something he preferred or expected you two discussed together? My husband wouldn’t care what I book and where because he is very easy going. He however knows better to not book anything without discussion of all options because I am not easy going at all, I don’t like surprises and mostly just because how I am.

Was he supposed to pay you back half of it, maybe he didn't feel like paying half for something he doesn’t like. If it was a gift from you, then of course he just had to say thank you and be quiet.

Oh yeah under the circumstances it’s understandable you just booked it and he had to be happy about it. I had scenario in my head more like a vacation planning. Yeah him complaining is ridiculous. He should be especially happy that there are no rooms left and you got it! He is difficult

@divine1966, you had pointed out the roller coaster nature of my relationship right now. A woman on an abuse forum on Facebook said the yo yo effect is the effect of an abusive relationship. I suppose the same could be said in general for any toxic/unhealthy relationship dynamic -- up and down, up and down, up and down. And that's exactly what I am experiencing from one day to the next. One moment, I can feel totally content and happy with him, and that's when I have doubts about leaving him, and in the next moment, he's exhibiting yet another irksome/enraging toxic behavior that sends me into a downward spiral of wanting to divorce him. There's no emotional stability here. It's very up and down, and I do feel very yanked around by the inconsistency constantly.

I felt like this for the last year in my last relationship. It was up and down. Very draining. It was over a specific issue but I noticed that made me into an angry person. I had to get out to save myself

Sounds like relationship with my dad. You don’t know one day from another how things will be and what he’ll say or do. The only way to maintain sanity it’s keep your distance which isn’t possible with one’s spouse.

It did come up in therapy (I mentioned it), that I think my husband is trying to tear me down. The mean jokes that are put downs disguised as "jokes", his comment about preferring dark haired women, his attempts to keep me from sticking to my diet and losing weight.... all of this tells me or points to the strong possibility that he wants to ruin my self esteem.

I am SO saddened by this potential and very realistic reality. It breaks my heart and it HURTS badly to know or think that my husband is trying to mentally and emotionally hurt me, especially when he claims to "love" me soo much. This freaking HURTS.

You mentioned that you were afraid that if you tell him you want to do couples therapy that this might lead to early divorce before you have your ducks in a row.

Then you mentioned he said that if it comes to couples therapy that in his eyes, it's already over.

I think his attitude shows that he is afraid to face his issues. This is his way of trying to scare you out of couples therapy.

If you bring it up and he gets upset, you still don't have to mention divorce. Then you can say at least you tried your best. If you expect him to get upset you can mentally prepare yourself for it. You can remind yourself that he's not really mad at you, he's just lashing out because he's afraid of confronting his problems. Plus it's more affirmation that you are a good person trying your best. You deserve respect.

Sounds like a deep cut. I feel for you.

I am not ready to bring up couples therapy. That's just where I stand. I am not ready to.

And yes, he's afraid to face his issues.

Sounds like a deep cut. I feel for you.

I know the feeling. Maybe just focus on your own growth some more. Can't hurt. You are strong to seek help and keep working towards your own peace.

My husband used to make mean jokes at my expense like that even in front of my own family. I would just laugh about it and go with it. It took me a while to realize how much this putting down was affecting me. When I finally told how I felt about him making jokes at my expense he was surprised as if he didn’t realize how it was affecting me. After that he didn’t joke like that about me anymore.

@HaveHope, I know you have been for something more than a year with your husband and that makes things more difficult because I can see you love him so much. But, from your posts in this thread I knew you are gonna do the best for you and you aren't gonna cope with more yelling and emotional mistreat. So, I only wanted to tell you that I support you and that I think you are right when taking your time to consider all possible options and a way out if needed.
Didn't want to write a lot here because I'm myself living relationship problems and I wanted to avoid to project at any coast.
I understand how much you are struggling and I wanted you to know.